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Washington, D.C. - Millions of middle-aged women are
thrilled with the results of a new study which found delusional
women in their fifties who were once considered over the hill
are now considered desirable and sexy.
The report, funded by several women's groups including the
National Organization of Women (NOW) and cosponsored by 50-year-old
talk show host Oprah Winfrey, all but proves that 50 is the
new 30 for women across the world.
"That's right, the results of our study prove once and
for all that 50 is the new 30," NOW President Kim Gandy
said at a rushed press conference Tuesday. "Thank you
for coming."
When asked for copies of the reports and a explanation of
the methodology used, Gandy, 49, became defiant.
"We just did a whole show about this on Oprah and Oprah
doesn't lie," Gandy said. "What's important to realize
is that because of healthy lifestyles and TV shows like 'Extreme
Makeover', we're as young, vibrant and sexy at 50 as our parents
were at 30. It's like getting a free 20 years, ladies!"
Fifty-one year old recently divorced homemaker Trudy Breckinridge
immediately felt empowered by the findings. "Chronological
age is not nearly important as how you feel on the inside.
And when I look in the mirror, I feel just like I'm a 23-year-old
recently divorced homemaker with no practical job skills."
"I'm 60 which means I'm just like 40," said librarian
Betty Sampson after hearing the news. "Theoretically,
I could date Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt who are both in their
early 40's. Aside from my swollen ankles, I feel just like
a little girl!"
"When a woman turns 50 she is just starting to get comfortable
with her body and become more self confident," 54 year
old actress Cybil Sheppard explained. "That's the sexiest
thing in the world to men."
When pressed for evidence, Gandy and Winfrey cited strict
polling of men in her talk show audience during the past 6
months who unequivocally stated they found their middle-aged
wives and girlfriends much hotter than Britney Spears or Paris
Hilton.
Added Winfrey, "And they said that before they got the
free car."
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