Bob From Accounting: "Life as a Trainwreck"

BOB FROM ACCOUNTING BEGINS LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN TO TONY DANZA

Dear Tony,

How are you? I'm fine. I just wanted to write and tell you I am your biggest fan. Much has been said and written about your new foray into daytime TV. Ignoring all that, I think you're doing a fantastic job. I love the guests, the cooking segments and that call-in contest you call "Extrava-Danza" (really clever, btw!) Despite what everyone says, I know you didn't purposely steal this idea from Regis or several other daytime talk shows. Your show is original and unique and includes a blend of wholesome, non-gay family entertainment, which the world desperately needs to combat those trashy whores on "The View". Anyway, please write back when you get the chance.

Dear Tony,

How are you? I'm fine. I hope you got my last letter dated October 27th. I really loved that you dressed up as Spiderman on your Halloween show. That was really funny when you made that comment to your attractive guest— "Careful,I'm wearin' tights." That was so funny! Popping a boner is always funny, but maybe not on national television. I didn't wear my costume at work because people who show up to accounting offices in Halloween costumes make me want to stab them. I did wear my bunny costume at home, however. I've attached a photo. Anyway, the purpose of this letter is just to tell you I love your show and I think you are a completely underrated singer and soft-shoe dancer. Please write back.

Dear Tony,

How are you? I'm fine. I've been thinking a lot about the quality of television these days and I can't help but be nostalgic when I think of your performance as Tony Micelli on "Who's the Boss." Your interaction with Samantha and that young boy was both amusing and very realistic. Did you know that he was a homosexual during taping? Did it bother you? I don't really hate gay people, but I was wondering if he tried to hit on you or sneak into your dressing room while you were changing or try to cop a feel. That would really suck. On the other hand, that Alyssa Milano girl is really hot. Did you ever see her cootchie? I mean that in the most respectful of ways, since I realize you're not actually her father. Anyway, as your biggest fan, I would really like to be considered as a possible guest on your show. Possibly in one of those human interest segments that middle America seems to love so much. I have so many funny stories I could share! Please write back so we can discuss it further.

Dear Tony,

How are you? I'm fine. Why haven't you written back? You must be super busy. I've tried repeatedly to be a contestant for "Extrava-Danza", the call-in contest where someone tries to answer a question he or she claims to be an expert in. Unfortunately, "Peter North movies" probably wouldn't be appropriate for daytime TV. I'm not sure what else I'm an expert in. I can bring myself to orgasm in under a minute, but again, I realize that's not the kind of expertise you were looking for --though Jimmy Kimmel seemed interested. Anyway, the reason for this letter to again inquire about the possibility of appearing on your show and tell you I think you are more generous (and thinner) than Oprah, who thinks she's so great because she gave away some cars. You give away money. Well not actually money, but Disney gift cards, which is almost as good as money (especially in Canada). By the way, I've attached an MP3 of me singing "99 Red Balloons" in both English and German along with a photo. I might even be able to do it in Italian on your show. Please, please write back so we can discuss this.

** Please send letters to Tony Danza requesting that Bob get a chance to appear on his show. Click on the link here, sign up and write them a note. He might be able to ignore one slob, but not 50,000 slobs.

MARTHA STEWART'S PRISON DIARY

Nov. 12, 2004 - New entries!

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THE ELECTION IS OVER AND ALL I GOT WERE THESE LOUSY RAMEN NOODLES

by Scott Howard-Leva, Editor in Chief

Thank God this election is over. Just a few more op-eds, a few more weeks of analyzing what went wrong, a few books about American's fallen Democracy and warmongering neo-conservatives, and then, finally, things will be back to normal. John Kerry will fade away to a Dukakis/Mondale-style escape to irrelevancy (on a ski slope in Aspen, slathered in ketchup), while the rest of us concentrate on killing Arabs and working on our fake tan. Thank God.

It astonishes me that people are surprised that John Kerry lost this election. There are 56 million surprised Americans and an untold amount of surprised foreigners who believed those 56 million surprised Americans. If they were smart, they would have listened to me, not Michael Moore. Not Puffy. Not Cameron Diaz or Leonardo DiCaprio. I know the slacker electorate better than anyone.

The Kerry campaign may have correctly opined if they could get the youth vote (18-29 year old first time voters), they would win by a landslide. If they contacted me, they would know that this particular demographic walks really fast past anyone with a clipboard and goes to great lengths to avoid telephone calls from parents/collection agents and anyone that sounds like a parent/collection agent. It shouldn't surprise anyone that a mere 17% showed up at the polls-- exactly the same number that showed up in 2000.

The inanity of the "Vote or Die" campaign didn't work. Neither did Michael Moore's Slacker Uprising Tour, where that self-aggrandizing, bloated propagandist would show up at your college campus (for a mere $50,000 speaking fee) and bribe you with cheap eats to get you to vote for Kerry.

Handing out ramen noodles and socks to starving college students gets the same result as those fat ladies in the grocery store hogging all the little sausage links on the sample tray and tossing those horrifying pink lipstick-covered toothpicks back just nanoseconds later. Fat, pink lipstick-wearing middle-aged housewives never buy the sausage link samples in the grocery store. They just eat, do a little shopping, then arrange to coincidentally pass by the sample tray again and again to grab more free sausage links, while making that "hmmn, I'm pretending that I might actually buy a package" expression so they don't give away the fact that they're greedy, obese suburbanites who just want the handouts.

And so it happened just as I predicted. Kerry lost and Bush was reelected. The disenfranchised slackers (myself included) are still disenfranchised, but now we have warmer feet and a belly full of fatty-laden complex carbohydrates. If that's not American, I don't know what is.

SHL

**We are putting the call out [again] for writers, columnists, reviewers and most importantly, flash animators. Many of you have sent emails in the past and, well, I threw them in the trash because that's the kind of asshole I was. But I've had a change of heart because of a recent near death experience which made me both more likable and more patient with children and shitty, amateurish writers. If you think you got what it takes, we're hiring, so send us a note.

RETRO BOB:

BOB HAS 'EPIPHANY' WHILE RETURNING STAINED HALLOWEEN RENTAL COSTUME

Reprinted from Bob's Journal
(Nov. 5, 2003)

Dear Journal,

I'm not paying a fucking late fee on my Halloween costume. They claimed I left some kind of stain on it and they wouldn't take it back until I got it cleaned. Anyway, it was WAY too tight and I had serious male cameltoe, which I know people at work noticed because they were staring at my crotch and then looking away quickly as if something was wrong down there-- which is EXACTLY what I do with Mary Kate from payables who also wears spandex and obviously has some kind of giant freakish vagina. I was so angry I stopped at the corner store to get some bourbon to calm my nerves and I witnessed a robbery! I saw this movie once about a smalltime actor who got a job doing public appearances as a superhero and one day he stopped at a store to buy bread and somehow foiled a robbery and everyone thought he was an actual superhero since he was still wearing the costume. So the actor guy started listening to a police scanner so he could keep fighting crime and he became totally famous and slept with a really hot neighbor! Basically the same exact thing happened to me, except I bought a bottle of Jim Beam instead of bread and I didn't stop the crime because bourbon is very expensive and the clerk was distracted so I just got the hell out of there. But it still gave me an incredible idea. I can't remember what the idea was because I passed out before I got home, but it either has something to do with fighting crime or bourbon... or maybe both. Note to self: Buy police scanner

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