BOB
HAS 'EPIPHANY' WHILE RETURNING STAINED HALLOWEEN RENTAL COSTUME
Reprinted
from Bob's Journal
(Nov. 5, 2003)
Dear Journal,
I'm
not paying a fucking late fee on my Halloween costume. They
claimed I left some kind of stain on it and they wouldn't
take it back until I got it cleaned. Anyway, it was WAY too
tight and I had serious male cameltoe, which I know people
at work noticed because they were staring at my crotch and
then looking away quickly as if something was wrong down there--
which is EXACTLY what I do with Mary Kate from payables who
also wears spandex and obviously has some kind of giant freakish
vagina.
I was so angry I stopped at the corner store to get some bourbon
to calm my nerves and I witnessed a robbery! I saw this movie
once about a smalltime actor who got a job doing public appearances
as a superhero and one day he stopped at a store to buy bread
and somehow foiled a robbery and everyone thought he was an
actual superhero since he was still wearing the costume.
So the actor guy started listening to a police scanner so
he could keep fighting crime and he became totally famous
and slept with a really hot neighbor! Basically the same exact
thing happened to me, except I bought a bottle of Jim Beam
instead of bread and I didn't stop the crime because bourbon
is very expensive and the clerk was distracted so I just got
the hell out of there. But it still gave me an incredible
idea. I can't remember what the idea was because I passed
out before I got home, but it either has something to do with
fighting crime or bourbon... or maybe both. Note to self:
Buy police scanner and codpiece.
A
SPECIAL BOB-O-WEEN HORROR FILM!
Please
enjoy this short Halloween movie directly from BFA's animation
sweatshop. Have a safe and happy holiday and for God's
sake, there's no such thing as "The Great Pumpkin,"
loser!
Click "PLAY" to watch the movie. If you
can't see it, you probably need to download
Flash.
BOB
SUFFERS POST-ELECTION DEPRESSION; CONSUMES DEADLY COMBINATION
OF COKE AND POP ROCKS
Reprinted from Bob's Journal
Dear Journal,
It's
not like I really wanted to be governor. Mostly I just wanted
that annoying
bitch to get fewer votes than me. She thinks she
is so hot, but she's got a freakishly
long tongue, which I find very, very unattractive. I basically
decided to kill myself using the possibly deadly mix of Pop
Rocks and Coke. It didn't work, but it's better than jumping
off the friggin' Niagra Falls...
11.7.03 -
David Blaine's dirty undies are no longer on Ebay but they're
still for sale. Like a fine
hobo wine, they just keep getting better with age
so inquire within.
If you can't afford those, here's another great
recent listing on Ebay for all you collectors of
crap out there. It's funny so read all the way to the end.
For more weird Ebay listings (some were pulled and some were
not) check this
site out. If you really want to buy something original
for your friends and family this holiday season and help BFA
at the same time, then you'll buy something from one
of our two
affiliate websites. If you really must go elsewhere for your
holiday giftgiving needs, how about something inspirational? Not
classy enough for you? Then how 'bout some kangaroo
scrotum pouches? I
say it's probably safer to go for the t-shirts
or the duct
tape wallets but I'll leave it up to you.
10.30.03 -
Happy Halloween and God bless
NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox Television and all their development executives.
Now, I’m an adult and I learned one or two things,
But I never said what I thought was right for you or anybody
else,
Or that mine is the only way –
Did I?
And when I have problems, am cranky or uptight,
I may get snappy, but always let you know what it’s about
– Right?
Or that I’m not in the mood to play (Not now, anyway!)
–
Don’t I?
I let you know my nerves are on edge, and if they’re
not,
Then - everything is okay!
I know how to disagree without a fight, because I know no
one
is really “right”, It’s theoretical anyway
–
Isn’t it?
So, Tell me WHY, should I ever IN MY LIFE, expect
some of the shit you dare think to say, to sound like you
think that you are right! Because it’s not fair play
–
Is it?
So- Don't yell at me, EVER! For anything
Big, small, or otherwise,
I’m just talking here – so what bent you outta shape
anyway?
I’m the one living with the pain, while you’re being
a selfish jerk
And you know it’s not right –
Don’t you?
So – I’ll warn you once more, before
You Piss me the FUCK off –
Don’t Yell at ME, -
if you can’t just talk!
Not for anything – not anytime
Not even if you’re dying, because
I don’t care - if it gets to that point!
It’s hurts especially, because I didn’t DO nothing
And you know what you deserve for that -
Don’t you?
So – Don’t Yell At ME-
Ever Again -
Or you’ll find out real quick, that you just
picked the wrong girl for that shit –
Didn’t you?
Bearded
Man
by
Rachel Caudill
Oh
bearded man, Oh bearded man
You look so sad and weary
Oh bearded man, oh bearded man
Your eyes are red and teary
Oh look a change in hairy man's mood
You go from sad to anger crude
Oh bearded man, oh bearded man
You look so mad and angry
Oh bearded man, oh bearded man
Your eyes are crossed and firey
Your mood swings move us all
Your tears do flow, your height is tall
Oh bearded man, oh bearded man
This is last call
And melt until she's on her knees
Begging to taste your anti-freeze.
Are you a
crappy poet? Send
it inWinning
poetry entries will be awarded prizes every week!
Reprinted
from Bob's Journal 
I was so angry I stopped at the corner store to get some bourbon
to calm my nerves and I witnessed a robbery! I saw this movie
once about a smalltime actor who got a job doing public appearances
as a superhero and one day he stopped at a store to buy bread
and somehow foiled a robbery and everyone thought he was an
actual superhero since he was still wearing the costume.
So the actor guy started listening to a police scanner so
he could keep fighting crime and he became totally famous
and slept with a really hot neighbor! Basically the same exact
thing happened to me, except I bought a bottle of Jim Beam
instead of bread and I didn't stop the crime because bourbon
is very expensive and the clerk was distracted so I just got
the hell out of there. But it still gave me an incredible
idea. I can't remember what the idea was because I passed
out before I got home, but it either has something to do with
fighting crime or bourbon... or maybe both. Note to self:
Buy police scanner and codpiece.
