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CORFU, NY —In stunning announcement by District 103
Superintendent William Geoffrey, Corfu High School sophomore
Daniel Vest was declared neither a homosexual nor a retard
by school nurses, despite assurances to the contrary.
At the same time in the high school cafeteria, Vest pleaded
with fellow students about the popular use of his nickname.
"I think all of you are missing the point," argued
Vest through a bullhorn. "Being a 'fagtard' would constitute
me being gay and mentally retarded. I am neither. I swear.
I'm just like you!"
After giving Vest a powerbomb wedgie for using the word "constitute"
correctly in a sentence, 12th-grader Peter Harris refused
to believe evidence of Vest's mental acuity and heterosexuality
saying instead that only a fagtard would be interested in
model rocketry. "Also, look at the fagtard way he drinks
milk."
According to sources, the moniker in question was first used
on Vest 8 years ago after a pathetic attempt to throw a Nerf
football in elementary school gym class. Within two weeks
of that long ago incident, the name on his teacher's second
grade seating chart had been altered to reflect his new identity.
Vest claims today he is called "fagtard" upwards
of 100 times a day by by students and faculty alike and while
he's grown accustomed to it over the years, he wishes just
for once people would call him his real name. "I think
it's Daniel actually but I'm going to have to ask my mom."
"Just look at him," said 8th grade science teacher
Bob Davis. "He keeps telling me his name is Daniel, but
I got three other Daniels —and Danny and Dan are taken.
Fagtard is way easier to remember."
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Above:
Daniel "Fagtard" Vest
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