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COLUMBIA, SC— Citing ageism, discrimination,
and interference with holiday gift-giving, U.S. Senator Strom
Thurmond (R-SC) called for immediate ban on a wildly popular
Christmas song made famous by Bing Crosby.
The song and its famous opening line, “Chestnuts roasting
on an open fire,” is a holiday mainstay appearing on
more than 200 holiday albums over the past 35 years.
According to Sen. Thurmond, the offensive line offering "a
simple phrase to kids from one to 92,” is pure discrimination
plain and simple.
“It’s basically telling many of our seniors they
can just forget about Christmas because they’re just
about dead anyway and so we should just ignore them,”
Thurmond said. “I can tell you firsthand, I’ve received
at least a 35% decrease in gifts since I turned 93 years old.”
Thurmond spent more than an hour arguing the issue on the
Senate floor before he passed out. He demanded the elderly
receive full reimbursement for missed gifts, Christmas cards
and general well-wishes since the song's release in 1965.
Democratic Leader Tom Daschle called the proposed amendment
frivolous and irresponsible. “Senator Thurmond needs
to take his medication and stop being so damn greedy,.”
Daschle said. “This is just another ploy to get that
stupid Sony Playstation he’s always whining about.”
Thurmond’s response was just as antagonistic. “Tom
Daschle can kiss my wrinkled ass. I want my friggin’
toys!”
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