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Paradise, Heaven—In an unprecedented class action
lawsuit taking place in the afterworld, Mohammed Atta, Ahmad
Al Haznawi and several other suicide bombers have called into
question the legitimacy of dozens of “so called”
beautiful virgins they were allotted after their death.
“We were promised 72 beautiful virgins if we died as
martyrs. I shaved, I powdered and I drove a friggin plane
into a building," Atta said. “All I asked for were
a few dozen ‘Ji-hotties.’ I don’t think that’s
too much to ask.”
Ahmad Al Haznawi agreed. “It’s ridiculous to think
we killed thousands of infidels for these dogs,” Al Haznawi
said. “Most of them aren't even Muslim and some are wrinkled
old hags. That lady over there played Granny on the Beverly
Hillbillies.”
According to their lawyer Carl Goldstein, not only were most
of the women unattractive, but several of them didn’t
appear as virginal as advertised. “I have evidence that
at least three of the women may have worked as common street
hookers when they were alive. That just doesn’t seem
fair.”
Suicide bomber Abdul Hamatas is convinced many of the women
lied about their sex lives. “There is no way some of
these girls are virgins. No way whatsoever. It was like having
sex with a jar of mayonnaise-- if you know what I mean.”
One virgin in question fired back angrily.“I can’t
help that my hymen broke during horseback riding lessons when
I was 13. Besides, I’m not loose, that jerk just has
a small penis!”
When Hamatas tried to execute her for her comments, he was
reminded they were already dead.
The Chief Cleric in charge of distributing virgins to the
martyrs acknowledged the problem and insists they have it
under control. “Look, it’s not easy, they die and
we only have a couple minutes warning before they’re
all like ‘hey, where are my virgins?’ No talk about
visiting with Allah or Mohammed or any of their dead family
members. They’re acting like a bunch of spoiled, horny
brats if you ask me.”
Due to the unrest caused by the lawsuit, heavenly promises
to potential martyrs will be modified in the future.
“Beginning in June we are instituting a new policy that
will give each suicide bomber two virgins, six women of child
bearing years and then the rest will be sort of a grab bag.”
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