Can
you believe it's already 2005? And can you also believe
it's now been three years since we began this trainwreck
of a website? That's right, 3 years. And don't think
we're not gonna have a drunken
orgy to celebrate another year of delayed adulthood
and food stamp eligibility. Keep the entire month of February
wide open. We promise 2005 is going to be really special
year: we're filling several new bobjobs,
we will FINALLY have a forum, and Bob himself promises to
be slightly less angry this year if we get a TV show. Of
course, no matter what happens, we will continue to provide
the kind of bitter, demeaning humor you've come to expect,
while maintaining a level of arrogance that makes us feel
better about ourselves while making Clay Aiken look like
a complete tool. Welcome to 2005 and happy friggin' anniversary!
BOB SETS RECORD FOR BREAKING NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
TIMELINE Jan. 1, 2005
12:03am: Tells girl
at New Year's Party he has to leave to get early start on
"first day of the rest of his life"
12:06am: Phones hooker, but says he "just wants to
talk"
12:33am: Has intercourse with hooker
12:44am: Wakes up. Discovers he was robbed. Resumes smoking
habit
12:46am: Resumes bourbon habit
12:55am: Obsesses about hot Asian girl at work that barely
knows he's alive
1:01am: First self-gratification of 2005
1:20am: Begins new low carb diet by eating 2 sticks of
butter, no bread
1:49am: Second self-gratification of 2005 involves butter
9:00am: Gets up early to begin work on novel and/or screenplay
9:14am: Gets distracted by Tony Danza's new talk show
9:27am: Third self gratification of 2005
Nickname(s):
"Lord Almighty", "Big Kahuna", "Jesus's
Dad", "The Anti-Satan", "All Powerful
Guy Who Could Make Our Lives Miserable if He Doesn't Have
a Good Sense of Humor", "Tsunami-Obsessed Megalomaniac"
Claim
to Fame: Once dated Mother Nature, now they're just friends;
Gave fame to John Travolta, then took it away, then gave it
back, now regrets the whole thing
Hobbies:
Judging people; Complacency; Playing with Earth's tectonic
plates near underdeveloped countries with little or no weather-reporting
skills
Pros:
Family oriented, extremely wealthy, ability to grant wishes
disguised as prayers
Cons:
Translucent; Somewhat intimidating before you get to know
him; Always knows when you're lying; Power hungry; Moody
Turnons:
Generosity, kindness, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Turnoffs:
Breaking 10 Commandments; Taking name in vain; Sports-related
prayers; Mel Gibson movies
Favorite
invention(s): Volcanoes; Ability of insects to walk upside
down; Boobs
Least
Favorite invention(s): lice, backhair, the French
Recent
Quote: "If I knew then what I know now, I would have
never given you opposable thumbs"
It's
been 2 years since we parted
And
still, I remain 4 ever broken hearted
Wondering
where you are, what you're doing
I
hope it's stuff that's not life-ruining
You
and I were once so great together
I'm not blaming you, really, but maybe Heather
Are
you still with her? I hope you are happy
I
hope she's nice and not treating you crappy
You deserve nothing but the best
I'm
sorry back then I was such a big pest
I
know I made many mistakes
There is so much I would like to erase
The
jealousy, anger and even some cheating
Is what made our love so powerful but fleeting
It
wasn't about being a skank
Or
finding a guy with more money in the bank
It
was just my own dumb neurosis
and
also even a slight bipolar diagnosis
But
now things are really great
I've
moved on and get plenty of dates
So
if someday you want to write or call
Or stop by TCBY at the Hill Center Mall
Just a hello would be really sweet
Even if it's
just for something to eat
I hope you know you don't need to hide
I will always be there for you to confide
Please give my best to your girlfriend Heather
Or if you don't want to tell her, it's probably better
Can
you believe it's already 2005? And can you also believe
it's now been three years since we began this trainwreck
of a website? That's right, 3 years. And don't think
we're not gonna have a 
The
Craptastic Movie Reviewer
