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YEMEN — U.S. Intelligence officials announced
Wednesday CIA agents have interrogated a former college roommate
of Osama bin Laden, the alleged mastermind behind the September
11 hijackings, who described the vaunted terrorist leader
as, among other things, "a real cock-blocker" and
general girl repellent.
Hamaal Al-Jahaarah, a self-described "Allah-coholic"
recounted numerous instances of bin Laden's tendency to be
a total buzz kill during the brief time the two shared an
off-campus apartment together in suburban Yemen.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the interview was
a significant coup and was hopeful it was the kind of breakthrough
they've been looking for, especially since the numerous attempts
to interrogate Bin Laden's gym teacher and piano instructor
had failed miserably.
A portion of that translated interview follows:
CIA: Is it true
you once shared a college room with Saudi exile and terrorist
Osama bin Laden?
Al Jahaarah: Hang on, I’m still
half asleep here. Uh…yes. Only he was known back then
as 'Been Laid-en.' Get it? Hey, are you hungry? I’m hungry.
CIA: No thanks. Mr. Al-Jahaarah, please
tell us the circumstances in which you met Osama Bin Laden.
Al Jahaarah: He used to come over to
our dorm room with his guitar. He loved Cat Stevens. I swear,
if I never hear another Cat Stevens song again, that will
be too soon. But then he got all New Wave and nobody really
wanted to be around him anymore. (unintelligible) You want
any Cheez-it’s?
CIA: No thank you. So you shared a
room?
Al Jahaarah: We actually shared a bunkbed.
I was on the bottom because I had a bedwetting problem at
the time. I used to urinate all over myself, but I’m
over that now. Hand me my slippers will you.
CIA: What kind of roommate was Bin
Laden?
Al Jahaarah: Not so great, actually.
One time, right before Ramadan break our junior year, I hooked
up with this 'ji-hottie' I met during mid-afternoon prayers.
I could tell by the quarter-inch of exposed skin I saw through
her veil she was a real knockout. Anyway, I managed to get
her back to my place, but when we got inside, there was Osama
watching cartoons in his underwear, totally lit off Milwaukee's
Beast. I must’ve dropped a million hints for him to get
lost, but he just wouldn’t leave! And he kept scratching
himself in front of my date. After about 15 minutes, she took
off. I didn’t even get to see her hands!
CIA: Was there any indication he was
leaning toward criminal activities?
Al Jahaarah: Totally! One time I had
this really kickass dope [that] I scored from my buddy Faht’al.
I mean this was the kindest of kind bud. I get back from class
one day, and that f***ing douchebag is sitting there by himself,
just finishing off the last bong hit. He must’ve burned
through a nickel bag in like two hours! I tell you, I was
about ready to declare a jihad on his pock-marked ass that
day.
CIA: I see. But Did Osama bin Laden
talk about terrorism or killing Americans or anything like
that?
Al Jahaarah: Yeah, I guess so. But
at the time everyone thought he was a big flaming homo and
was just trying to act tough.
CIA: So you guys weren’t really
close friends.
Al Jahaarah: Yeah, I mean he was definitely
girl-repellent but he did teach me how to kill my sociology
professor with a pack of Sweet-n-Low. If it weren’t for
him, I don’t think I’d have made it though college.
Do you mind if I roll a fattie?
CIA: No, (unintelligible) can you give
us any idea of when he began this plot to destroy US interests?
Al Jahaarah: Okay, here’s the
deal and I’m really not supposed to tell anyone this
but he used to watch Alf religiously on satellite TV –
even though watching television is strictly forbidden in our
religion. Then, back in the early 90’s, they cancelled
the show suddenly. Bin Laden was furious and swore jihad.
He told everyone at the time he was mad at the West because
of their presence on Arab soil and all that, but we all knew
it was all about Alf (inaudible) This is good shit.
CIA: Mr. Al Jahaarah have you kept
in contact with Bin Laden?
Al Jahaarah: Are you kidding? He barely
talks to us now that he’s a bigshot. He does send me
a card for Ramadan, and once in awhile when he's in town he
lets me poke one of his wives, but that's about it. You sure
you don’t want a hit off this?
CIA: (inaudible) No -- So there’s
no information you could provide to us on his possible whereabouts?
Al Jahaarah: Sure. Just get within
10 miles of the bastard and keep moving toward the foulest
stench you ever experienced. The guy doesn’t know what
bathing is. His feet smell like ass.(unintelligible) Speaking
of which, did you just beef?
CIA: Pardon me?
Al Jahaarah: Dude you just let one
loose in my tent. It fucking reeks.
CIA: No, I didn't.
Al Jahaarah: Yeah, you did! What the
hell do you Americans eat? I think I'm gonna hurl!
CIA: I didn't! It was the mule, I swear!
END OF TRANSMISSION
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