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BAGHDAD — U.N. weapons inspectors made a startling
discovery Tuesday, with the announcement that they had uncovered
a secret cache of photos, diagrams and detailed oral histories
describing the the controversial Atomic Wedgie weapons system,
first discovered by American teenagers in 7th grade P.E. class.
According to Chief Weapon Inspector Hans Blix, the treasure
trove of Wedgie documentation was found in the back room of
a Iraqi munitions factory and consisted of never-before-seen
materials, including stomach wrenching videos of Iraqi men
testing the painful weapon on unsuspecting victims.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was quick to denounce the
regime for possessing these materials, which were banned by
a 1976 Security Council Resolution, and has plans to use this
discovery as one additional pretext for war.
"The rest of the world can sit idly and ignore these
types of blatant aggressions, but the American people have
experienced firsthand the grinding, burning, scrotem-in-a-vice
torture associated with this vicious weapon. And I'm not just
talking about Richard Gephardt."
Iraqi Deputy Prime Minister Tariq Aziz was quick to deny
the accusations, saying that Atomic Wedgie technology was
far beyond their reach and they had dropped that program after
sanctions were leveled in response to their 1991 invasion
of Kuwait.
"It's ludicrous to think we possess the ways or means
to inflict this kind of suffering," Aziz said at a press
conference, while at the same time admitting his government
once tried to duplicate the technology using "courageous
martyrs" as test subjects in the late 1980's.
"The truth is nobody living in the modern world is
so cruel to propagate this kind of barbaric human atrocity
except the Americans."
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