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Vatican City - The stress begins just before Christmas and then occurs again right before birthdays, laments Archbishop Stanslaw Dziwisz, longtime confident of Pope John Paul II. People are scrambling. The lines at the giftstores wrap around the block. Local artisans work doubletime on tiny Jesus statues made from soap. What do you buy the guy who has everything?

"I was all set to buy him an IPod but then found out that he still prefers vinyl," Dziwisz said. "He's kind of traditional that way. Plus, all the other guys got him the same thing and I really wanted my gift to be special."

The simplest gift is often the best one for someone who frowns on personal possessions and flashes of wealth.

"Not the Pope," Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi admits. "I tried that last year with a collage of children's nativity drawings. He threw them back in my face and told me he wanted a comfy leather chair with secret compartments in the armrests. That, or a Playstation II. Ungrateful bastard."

This year, George W. Bush presented the Pope with a tiny statuette of Mary. The Pope smiled politely and tossed it in a room with more than 35,000 other tiny Mary statuettes.

Added Dziwisz, "He's an old man. He's tired of Mary. Wouldn't you be? I sure am."



 

Above: Pope John Paul II fakes interest in another crappy little Mary statue.


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