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WASHINGTON, DC —It’s going to be a long winter,
America. The White House is predicting six more weeks of cold
weather after both Punxsutawney Phil and Vice President Dick
Cheney emerged from a secure location and saw their shadow.
German superstition holds that if a groundhog sees its shadow
on Feb. 2 - the Christian holiday of Candlemas - then bad
weather is in store. Nobody is really sure what it means if
an overweight politician with congenital heart disease sees
his shadow. Most agree it's probably not very good.
White House spokesman, Ari Fleischer, provided a timeline
of today’s events. "At approximately 7:25 a.m. this
morning, the Vice President exited his undisclosed secure
location. He looked up, sniffed the air,blinked a couple times,
and then looked around. At 7:26 a.m., Mr. Cheney observed
his own shadow. I repeat, the Vice President is confirmed
to have seen his shadow at precisely 7:26 a.m. Approximately
one minute later, at 7:27 a.m., Mr. Cheney clutched his chest
and was escorted back into his undisclosed secure location."
Mr. Fleischer stressed that the President was on top of the
situation at all times and it was he who made the final determination
to release today’s forecast. "The President was
in constant contact with the Vice President throughout the
day and received numerous briefings as the events unfolded.
It was the President’s decision, with much thought and
deliberation, and based on the facts laid before him, to issue
today’s weather predictions."
Although Americans were hoping for a quick end to Winter,
they seem to be taking today’s predictions in stride.
"After everything that's gone on this year,, I was really
hoping for some good news," said Philadelphia resident,
Jimmy Lee. "I guess we’ll have to wait six more
weeks." However, Mr. Lee was quick to add, "I’m
behind the
President 100%. God bless America."
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