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Heaven - God cites exhaustion, poor time management
skills and a recent diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder
(A.D.D.) for his continued inability to create impressive
new miracles and save innocent lives from utter doom.
In particular, The Creator blames the popularity of the
Super Lotto Jackpot and its accompanying millions of new prayers
every weekend for sending him over the edge. Beginning Thursday,
he will now reduce his workload to a new five day schedule,
admitting for the first time he hasn't worked Saturdays for
the last three millennia. Now he wants Sundays off as well.
Billions of believers across the globe expressed frustration
that their prayers might not be heard during Sunday worship,
while others, like Pastor Darius Biggs of Emory Baptist Church
in Atlanta, GA believes that "the truly faithful will
try even harder to raise the roof and let our voices be heard
to the mighty heavens above. Hallelujah!"
According to God, that's not likely. The phone is pretty
much off the hook.
"It's not that God is apathetic or doesn't care about
his flock," explains social psychologist Wallace Thatcher."Appearing
lazy, disorganized and flighty are all just symptoms of attention
deficit disorder. He needs our understanding and special pharmaceuticals
more than ever -- not our collective condemnation."
While many were disappointed to find God would no longer
be working weekends, others felt better knowing just when
God was listening and when he wasn't. The world's population
of Jews, for example, now understand why they've suffered
so much bad luck for so long. Instead of worshipping on Saturdays
as they have for thousands of years, they have announced they
will shift their Sabbath prayers to Monday, indicating the
day is pretty much a wash anyway.
Much to the chagrin of Catholics, the Pope was quick to grab
Friday evenings as the new worshipping hour, promising the
traditional afterwork "happy hour" would now take
place in the sin-free comfort of the Church.
"The good news is now I can spend all weekend drinking,
gambling and having premarital sex to my heart's delight without
any consequences," said 18-year-old Catholic Rusty Anderson.
"I think if God needs a break for awhile, I'm cool with
that."
Super Lotto officials had no comment but announced the winning
powerball numbers for Saturday were: 3 17 21 32 7 and 6.
There were no winners.
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