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Punxsutawney, PA — At precisely 7:25 am Wednesday,
February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his stump at
Gobbler's Knob amidst thousands of revelers eager for his
traditional proclamation of a warmer February or six more
weeks of winter. Instead he took one look at his shadow and
began hurling paw-fulls of steaming feces at a dumbfounded
crowd of onlookers.
The unprovoked attack continued for several minutes as the
groundhog catapulted his dung with surprising accuracy and
disdain for public safety.
According to witnesses, the nugget-sized chunks of woodchuck
excrement seemed to come from every direction and without
any warning. Many fled the scene while others stood in awe
of the groundhog's odd behavior, watching his little trigger-happy
arms unleash an endless peppering of crap cakes.
So how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?
"It was pretty much raining turds for a good ten minutes,"
witness James Riggins said afterwards. "I don't know
where all that came from, but apparently he's been a busy
beaver...I mean groundhog."
To the thousands of children in attendance, however, it was
a terrifying scene. In between their shrill screams and tears
was the question on everyone's mind -- why?
"It doesn’t take a genius to understand that Punxsutawney
Phil was trying to tell us something more profound than six
more weeks of winter," local science teacher Ernest Gotzkamp
said. "It’s fairly evident he was trying to deliver
a more spiritual message—possibly one that will save
humanity from the wrath of God Himself."
"Well think about it this way," added Animal Control
Officer Joey “Joe” Jones, "imagine you’ve
just woken up from a 6 month sleep and there's 10,000 people
watching you take your morning leak. I'd probably throw some
shit too."
While there was much speculation among the crowd as to what
the feces-hurling meant in regard to the weather forecast,
others took a more scientific approach to the incident.
Punxsutawney Animal Behaviorist Ed Labia scoffed at the
layman theories, explaining that Phil’s response of hurling
fecal matter provided important cues to the distress he's
experienced under captivity. Added Labia, "How the hell
is he supposed to forecast the weather when we're clipping
his toenails and feeding him Fritos?"
Despite the theories, Punxsutawney Mayor John Hallman was
quick to defend the groundhog’s weather forecasting ability.
“Granted Phil has only had a 39% success rate over his
116-year-career, but I think it goes deeper than that. Our
town’s economy relies solely on that groundhog’s
forecast. Did I say our town’s economy? I’m sorry—I
meant to say America’s livelihood. Edit that.”
For those interested, several examples of Phil's personally
made "ground round" will be on display in the sitting
room of the Punxsutawney Chamber of Commerce. Viewing hours
are Monday through Friday 10am - 4pm and costs $2.00
By the way, there will be six more weeks of winter. Get used
to it.
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