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Washington, D.C. — According to well known spoon
bender and professional psychic Uri Geller, Michael Jackson's
recent nasal collapse is not an effect of multiple plastic
surgeries, but is a very serious omen that we are headed for
a prolonged global thermonuclear war.
Geller, a close friend of Jackson's, together with group
of famous spiritual advisors and celebrities, headed to Washington
to explain the undeniable connections between the King of
Pop's facial disintegration and escalating conflicts from
Iraq to North Korea to Chechnya and East Timor, as well as
a half dozen civil wars in Africa.
"If Michael says he hasn't had plastic surgery then
I believe him," Geller said to the Congressional committee
headed by Former First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY).
"We cannot ignore the spirits as they attempt speak to
us through through Michael Jackson's freakishly distorted
nasal cavity." The [spirits] are obviously telling us
something is very very wrong."
Several friends, including singer Liza Minelli, testified
that in the early 90's during during the Gulf War, they suddenly
noticed Michael's nose had begun to look more like his sister
LaToya's.
"Michael told me this occurred while he was sleeping
and not related in any way to reconstructive or plastic surgery,"
Minelli said. "Then two years ago when all the fighting
started in Israel , I remember Michael came over for dinner
and he suddenly experienced tremendous pain in his right nostril.
That's about the time he began wearing a mask -- he was trying
not to undermine any peace efforts in the region."
Longtime friend Elizabeth Taylor who also testified to the
committee, explained it differently. "Michael [unintelligible]
get and then he uh, [unintelligible] my pills and and I'm
so scared. We're all going to die! We're all going to die!"
Secretary of State Colin Powell announced the U.S. would
pursue war if Iraq did not begin disarming by next weekend.
Meanwhile, Michael Jackson's nose hangs by a thread.
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