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Charlotte, NC - Unpopular fifth grader Dougie Epperly,
was overwhelmed Friday by dozens of unexpected Valentine's
Day cards from his classmates, after a mandatory card exchange
was implemented by his teacher.
Epperly, 11, who admitted in years past, he received only
one or two cards at most, said he was "blown away"
that he got so many cards this year. He can't seem to figure
out what he's done differently.
"I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I really
like being popular and I plan to stay this way," Epperly
said. "I got cards from actual girls that said 'be mine.'
Some even said 'you're special.' Usually when someone calls
me special, they really mean I'm retarded. This time, I'm
pretty sure it means they want to sample a little of the 'Dougie
Donut,' if you know what I mean. It's like I won the lottery.
The lottery of hot little schoolgirl mommas."
Epperly said he always suspected in years past that his parents
had a hand in a few of those secret Valentine's Day cards
which would appear suddenly in his backpack and lunchbox,
but now he feels they were real all along.
"Of course they were fake," Dougie's father, Donald
Epperly admits. "For the love of God, just look at that
kid. The other children crap in their drawers when they see
him coming. Speaking of crap, there's no underwear on the
planet absorbent enough to handle that kid after he's finished
off a case of hot dogs and Snickers."
Ironically, Dougie's mother Carol is a child psychologist
and insists Dougie is simply doing what lots of kids do around
his age. "He's blossoming, that's all," Epperly
says she has encouraged her son's unpopular behavior these
past years because she felt it was important for him to create
his own identity. "Dougie may have been fat, smelly and
gross last year but look it him this year. Those same prepubescent
pheromones have now made him the most popular kid in school.
I always knew this would happen."
Dougie plans to spend the evening reading through all of
his new Valentine's Day cards and choosing which girl he'd
like to have as his girlfriend.
"I dunno how I'm going to choose, Dougie said. "Hopefully
whoever the lucky girl is, she'll put out. I need to make
up a lot of time."
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Editor's
note: This is Dougie. This is also is the funniest photo ever
taken. Period.
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