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Washington, DC - Newly appointed Homeland Security
Director Tom Ridge told a Senate Subcommittee today that a
new wave of Roberto Benigni movies in the United States was
"inevitable."
"For a long time Roberto Benigni movies were a far away
problem," Ridge testified."They occurred in distant
European theatres, only affecting the Italians. But now the
threat of future Benigni films on the homefront is very real.
Already a huge star in Europe, Benigni was recently allowed
to release a live-action version of the classic story "Pinocchio
in the U.S, causing fear and anxiety among a nation of already
jittery American children. Tragically, studios in the U.S.
unleashed the film nationwide without a previewing, which
is customary for foreign films staring Benigni and French
actor Gérard Depardieu.
It wasn't just the terror of children that caused the official
government alert. Many adults were frightened as well after
the FBI posted an announcment and warning on their website.
"As an American I am outraged that Benigni could continue
to release movies right here in our backyard," said filmgoer
Dave Story. "I know the Holocaust was awful, but the
people who died in Auschwitz should consider themselves lucky
that they didn't have to watch 'Life is Beautiful.' I'd personally
rather be gassed."
Ironically, the 1998 film "Life is Beautiful,"
considered Benigni's most heinous act of aggression against
the American viewing public, earned him an Academy Award for
Best Actor. According to several Congressional sources, that
will never happen again.
Ridge answered questions posed by members the Subcommittee
on the possible European backlash over the new alert. Ridge
dismissed the entire continent and their filmmaking skills
as "irrelevant," saying we must focus on finding
the sources of these films and freeze their funds immediately.
"Sometimes we have to protect America at great cost,
but as long as there are pushy foreign distributors who don't
even speak English, we will be vulnerable."
Ridge has offered to create a new coded system to gauge the
threat of future U.S. released Benigni movies -- low level
threat occurs when Benigni is safely making non- subtitled
movies in Italy, a mid-level threat occurs when American studio
executives meet or discuss future projects with Benigni's
agent over lunch. In the rare case that an English-language
Benigni movie be complete with a domestic movie release date
set, "we immediately go to "DEFCON 1. But let's
pray it never comes to that."
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