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Abuja, Nigeria — During a festive ribbon cutting
ceremony Monday, Mr Mbeki F. Grote an executive accountant
with the Dept. of Finance of Mineral Resources and Energy,
took the time to thank generous American internet donors for
helping to disperse account payments in excess of Twenty One
Million, Five Hundred Thousand U. S. Dollars ($21,500,000.)
in a most discreet manner, thus allowing them to build schools,
equip hospitals and build a shiny new gold-paved road through
the center of town.
"Thank you America! Thank you for trusting us with your
bank routing number and thank you for the gift of gold plated
bricks. It's a miracle!"
The "miracle" was further assisted by a heartfelt
plea from Mrs. Amadika Makoni, the wife of the Late Benson
Makoni, who was murdered in a famous land dispute in Zimbabwe.
Apparently, Makoni was trying to get her husband's money back
after he was murdered in cold blood by the agents of the ruling
government of President Robert Mugabe for his alleged support
and sympathy for the opposition party.
"Yes, that's right," Makoni said as she led a marching
band and parade through the center of town."My rich husband
was murdered and and prior to his death he deposited the sum
of US$15.8 Million (Fifteen Million Eight Hundred Thousand
United States Dollars) with a private security company, sensing
the looming danger in Zimbabwe. And I couldn't find anyone
that would help get his money, except the brave and generous
Americans. God bless you."
How that affected the Nigerian claim or why it necessitated
a stranger to transfer the account is very complicated, according
to Makoni.
"Didn't you hear what I said? There was this giant pile
of money from a safe...and it was a big, big pile of money...
and then I couldn't get it...so I needed a brave American.
We are so blessed. Please excuse me."
When pressed for further explanation, Makoni suddenly felt
"lightheaded" and promised to reply to questions
and discrepancies by email at a later date.
According to several anonymous government workers who were
"fully authorized to distribute the funds," they
began the internet campaign using the top secret code "urgent
and confidential" to target only a few specific, hand-picked
individuals.
"Yes, only people we could trust," Mr. Grote said
as he handed out Sony DVD players to eager locals. "Rich,
smart computer people who won't try to be greedy and steal
the $100 million U.S. dollars-- I mean $25 million. What did
I say? You know -- whatever I said in the email. I'm just
delirious with excitement over our town's new shiny streets!
I have to go."
In addition to new gold plated streets and Sony DVD players,
Nigerian citizens were each given a gift pack loaded with
jewelry and imported foods and then treated to a performance
by the recently reunited Jackson 5 in the brand new soccer
stadium.
Strangely enough, there's not a computer in sight.
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