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Kuwait -- In what is being called the largest reserve
fighting force since World War II, President Bush issued the
order for an additional 50,000 paintball enthusiasts to be
sent to the Gulf to join the nearly 100,000 already in place
in preparation for a possible attack on Iraq.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld expressed confidence
in the largest ever call-up of this quasi-military group,
saying they were tantamount to a decisive victory against
Iraq.
"The 150,000 well trained hobbyists now in the region
are vital to this war effort. They are eager, they are brave,
and they will certainly be ordered to lead our troops into
downtown Baghdad, should it come to that."
According to insiders, the call-up of paintball enthusiasts
was due in part to the lack of participation by traditional
allies and a less than eager international coalition, a charge
the Bush administration denies.
"Have you ever even played paintball?" Bush replied
angrily to a reporter in the Rose Garden Wednesday. "It
's not easy. It requires a lot of skill and training. And
those paintballs really sting!"
In the past, paintball enthusiasts were utilized to supplement
active troops and mostly relegated to supportive roles. All
that changed after the Gulf War in 1991. General Tommy Franks
admits they were part of the plan to disarm Iraq since the
beginning.
"All those weekend office parties out in the woods --
you think that happened by accident? Franks asked. "Who
do you think pays for all that so-called fun?"
Sources admitted for the first time paintball enthusiasts
have been sent on secret missions during the last decade,
ranging from the recent engagement in Afghanistan to a botched
effort to bolster troops in Somalia that led to American soldiers
being dragged through the streets.
"That wasn't necessarily their fault," former Airborne
paratrooper Lt. Col. Tony Weston recalls. "At that time
paintball was brand new and the troops probably weren't quite
ready for urban warfare. Also, we forgot to replace the paintballs
with real ammo."
Added Weston, "I would like to add that several of the
enemy targets were seen literally covered from head to toe with
yellow paint. I think that says it all." |
