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When I was a kid, I was so busy
watching TV and playing computer games on my Commodore 64,
I really didn't have time to clean my room. So my Mom went
to the flea market and bought these little round coaster-like
things that had the word "TUIT" written on them.
I never understood why she did this until the next time she
asked me to clean my room. I said what I always said when
she was nagging me-- "I'll clean up when I get around
to it." She handed me the thing that said "TUIT"
and said, "There you go...now clean your room!"
Do you get it? Do you get it?Well, hoo, boy! I just laughed
and laughed when she pulled that one.
That adorable little anecdote reminds me a lot of this so-called
crematory scandal, except replace my room with the Georgia
Tri-State Crematory, my Mom with the police, and the clutter
in my room with the rotting, fetid remains of over 300 dead
bodies. Otherwise, it's exactly the same. Really.
It seems this gentleman let hundreds of bodies stack up
in mass graves, hastily-dug holes, and a pond behind the property
instead of cremating them like he was supposed to. And yeah,
some of the bodies appeared to be several years old. Wow!
Sounds to me like this guy was pretty messy, all right!
But from what I've been hearing, most people are so angry
by this guy, you want his head on a stick. Well, hold on there,
Mr. and Mrs. Nazi-pants! Just because a guy doesn't keep the
world's most orderly crematory, you're going to have him executed?
Sure, there are some real lazy slobs in this world, and to
YOU they may be disgusting, but do they really deserve to
be put to death? Just how clean and orderly must we all be
in order to live in your pristine little scrubbing-bubble
ideal of a society?
Even as I write this, I myself have a sink full of dirty
dishes that have been there since mid-February. My garbage
disposal broke three years ago, and since then I've just been
shoving food scraps down there anyway. Last year I had a pizza
box fire in my backyard that burned for three whole days.
There! I said it. I might be a lazy slob just like that crematory
operator, but I still have friends. I'm a productive member
of society. I breathe, and I cry, and I feel pain, just like
the rest of you. Honestly, can you look me in the eye and
tell me I deserve the chair?
Deep down, I'm sure this crematory operator is really an
OK guy. Probably a lot like me. I'm sure it's been eating
away at him for a long time sort of like the worms were eating
the rotting human carcasses. He probably was ready to wake
up early and give the bodies a proper cremation and burial,
but maybe he was up late the night before, and by the time
he woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon, it's X-Files on channel
9, Star Trek on TNN, Seinfeld reruns on the WB, and the next
thing you know it's too late to be stoking up furnaces and
worrying about corpses. And it's not like there's a long line
of people out there saying, "Hey, I wonder when this
guy's going to get around to cremating my aunt?" So,
why not order a pizza, pop a Japanese anime DVD into the ol'
player, and make a night of it?
Honestly, what has this guy done that makes him such a criminal?
And don't give me any of that "he gave powdered concrete
to people and told them it's their loved one's ashes,"
crap either! Shit, at least you can use powdered concrete.
Maybe patch up the walkway or something. What the hell are
you gonna do with a bunch of smelly ashes?
Face it, the only reason you want this guy drawn and quartered
is he's a slob. Well, guess what? This is America, and it
belongs to the slobs, too. Slobs deserve to live, thrive,
and run corpse incineration facilities just like the rest
of you. So unless I missed the crowning of Hitler's clone
as the new Emperor of the United States, put away the pitchforks
and nooses, people! Instead, let's talk about breaking out
some TUITS, 'cause let me tell you first hand...that's as
effective as it is hilarious!
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Above:
Keeping a messy bedroom isn't all that different from leaving
hundreds of rotting corpses all over the backyard.
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