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HUNTSVILLE, AL — A local woman admitted Friday she is
having trouble deciding which is more important to her: enjoying
Rosie O'Donnell's daily talk show, or honoring her inborn
hatred of homosexuals.
"I am so darn confused right now," said Rebecca
Smith, 59, after watching Rosie O'Donnell give actress Mena
Suvari a much longer than usual hug. "I mean, on the
one hand the Bible clearly says queers are minions of Satan,
but that woman's show is really funny. I just don't
know what to do."
Smith says she has kept her love for the Rosie O'Donnell
Show secret except to her immediate family, since the recent
admission that Rosie "likes to bump fuzzies with other
women." Around her friends, however, she now refers to
Rosie as "devil-whore" and helps write vicious letters
to the show's sponsors.
Smith's husband, Billy, says he understands what his wife
is going through and admits it's a tough choice. "She
has to make this decision for herself," he said.
"She's a loving woman so that's just her nature to be
seduced by Satan and his followers."
"You should have seen her last year when she found out
Harrison Ford was a Jew. She was inconsolable for a month."
"It's just so hard to decide," Smith admitted while
listening to Rosie talk about her recent children's charity
work. "But right now I need to take a bath. She's really
giving me the heebie jeebies."
Smith said that she will make the decision this weekend
to either continue to love Rosie O'Donnell or pray for her
quick death.
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