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WASHINGTON, DC - In yet another effort to push a "lifestyle-choice"
bill through Congress, top Democrats led by Sen. Tom Daschle
(D-SD) and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) have
proposed legislation that would for the first time provide
same-self benefits to chronic masturbators.
The bill would require that same-self partners get equal
access to medical, life and disability insurance, hospital
visitation and other medical decision-making privileges, including
spousal support, certain rights of inheritance and homestead
protections.
"We hold that the state is constitutionally required
to extend to same-self couples the common benefits and protections
that flow from marriage under state and federal law,”
Daschle said. "Whether this ultimately takes the form
of inclusion within the marriage laws themselves or a parallel
domestic partnership system rests with Congress.”
The proposal was made on behalf of former State Dept. worker
Terry Frugal, who filed a federal lawsuit in 1998 after he
was terminated for masturbating in his office. Afterwards,
he was only provided the paltry unemployment and health insurance
benefits reserved for individuals.
"I know I'm never going to have a wife in the traditional
sense," the morbidly obese 53-year old said. "But
to me, I am married -- Lord knows how much time and
money I spend on my partner and I'd like my benefits to reflect
that."
Republicans remain firmly against the proposal on the grounds
that passing this kind of legislation would send the wrong
message. Still, they don't seem to be taking the lawsuit very
seriously.
"Whatever these dolphin-floggers do in the privacy of
their own homes is their own business," Senate Majority
Leader Bill Frist said. "While many of my Republican
colleagues feel that we need to have them arrested, I think
in the end, cooler heads will prevail."
Masturbation, once taboo, has been pushed into the limelight
with the recent rise to fame of such prominent jack-offs as
Ben Affleck, Justin Timberlake, and Josh Hartnett. Paul "Pee-Wee"
Reubens was the first celebrity to come forward in this march
"out of the bathroom." Today even some elected lawmakers
admit to occasional experimentation with the "no-lifestyle."
"It doesn't seem right that Americans should have to
hide the fact that they pleasure themselves behind closed
doors...behind closed doors," Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-Conn)
said through a bathroom door in the Senate chambers. "It's
just not kosher."
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