Bob From Accounting: "Life as a Trainwreck"

BOB DISCOVERS KARAOKE, CHERRY-FLAVORED WINE, GOD

Reprinted from Bob's private journal

March 16, 2004

Dear Journal,

Last night I had another epiphany. This epiphany was WAY better than the last epiphany about writing a sequel to "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" That book really speaks to me. Anyway, I was drinking at Jumbo's Clown Room like usual, when suddenly they roll out this karaoke machine! So after redeeming all my beer coupons, I gathered up my courage, climbed onstage and sang "Wind Beneath My Wings," by the legendary Bette Midler. And you know what? There wasn't a dry eye in the house, even though I vomited twice towards the end of the song. I think this singing thing is truly some kind of gift, possibly from God. Then, on the way home, I nearly trip over a mostly full bottle of cherry-flavored wine just sitting there, like totally free. Another gift from God I think.

MEMO:

To: All Employees
From: Bob (from accounting)
Cc: Darren Browne Senior VP

Hi, This is Bob. I just wanted to invite all of you to my vocal performance at Jumbo's Clown Room on Thursday night. It should be a great time and I hope I can count on my coworkers to come out to show your support. Can't wait to see you!

MEMO:

To: All Employees
From: Bob (from accounting)
Cc: Darren Browne Senior VP

Hi, this is Bob again. I just wanted to say that my performance on Thursday went fantastic. I couldn't be more pleased. You really missed a great show. I'm sorry that none of you showed up, but thankfully I will be performing again on Friday during happy hour and I know that it's probably easier for many of you to show up on a non work night. That's THIS Friday, so mark your calendars. Please get there early because I am expecting a lot of people. If this goes as well as I think it will, I may be looking for a new job soon. Don't worry, I won't forget you guys!

BOB TO COWORKERS: "YOU SELFISH BASTARDS"

MEMO:

To: All Employees
From: Bob (from accounting)
Cc: Darren Browne Senior VP

Hi. This is Bob again with another memo for my wonderful, close knit family of coworkers. I'm sorry that nobody showed up for my performance this past weekend. No big deal, really. Hopefully, you got the memo, but maybe you lost it. Maybe it was because you were busy or had other plans. Maybe it's because most of you have families and loved ones and other people to go home to during the week, and seeing a lowly coworker live out his dream onstage just isn't high on your priority list. Perfectly understandable. Well, you missed an incredible show. Probably the best I've ever done. Did I mention that there might have been talent scouts in the audience? That's right, they were invited by one of the bartenders who said I was possibly the next Norah Jones. But the male version. I don't have to tell you that Norah Jones sold more than 5 million records on her first album and won a whole lot of Grammy Awards. Now she's super rich and everyone wants to be her friend. I of course will not change with fame even though I will buy my true friends gifts and let them use my hottub whenever they want. Anyway, that's fine. Whatever. See if I care, you selfish unsupportive bastards. Just more room in the hottub for me!