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Miami, FL - Jesus H. Christ's miraculous return to
Earth on Easter Sunday was marred when the field of intense
radiation which surrounds the planet caused second and third
degree burns to the majority of his body.
"The Prince of Peace continues to drift in and out of
consciousness, but is expected to make a full recovery once
he’s strong enough to heal himself," said Dr. James
Gorcey of the Immaculate Heart Medical Center during a press
conference. "In the meantime, we're watching him very
carefully."
Christ, who had not made the trip in years, was ill-prepared
for the searing heat caused during reentry into the Earth's
atmosphere. While the Space Shuttle and other orbiters must
take special precautions when passing through the Van Allen
Belt, Christ apparently thought because of his special relationship
with God, he could handle it without protective gear. According
to physicians, Christ made the trip wearing only his shepherding
outfit and and a light windbreaker.
Witness Virginia Lopez happened to be looking up at the sky
when the accident occurred. “I seen a flashing light,
holy holy. Then I look up, and I seen Jesus come back to Earth,
oh holy holy. He was yelling and cursing his own name,"
Lopez said.
Biblical scholars are perplexed as to how the second coming
of Christ could have eluded them. According to Raymond Chow,
professor at Claremont Theological College, a visit by Jesus
could only mean one of two things: he's here to cleanse us
of our sins or to do battle with some Earthly incarnation
of Satan.
Jesus says he’ll reveal the purpose for his visit when
he’s feeling better, but for now he insists his followers
not read too much into rumors of a Jesus/Satan grudge match
or any recleansing of sins. “Remember the time I got
crucified? Anyway, sins already paid for so don't worry about
that. Anyone who accepts me into their heart and asks forgiveness
of their sins will be guaranteed a cushy, front row seat in
Heaven." Added Christ, "But who really knows, that
could just be the painkillers talking.”
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Above:
Jesus is not covered by Medicare, say hospital administrators
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