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There were lots of criminals
in the Kodak Theater Sunday evening, but none quite as ravishing
as Halle Berry, the 33-year-old star of "Monster's Ball"
and 1999's "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge." She
became the first African American, Best Actress Winner doing
mandatory community service in Los Angeles County.
Berry, who cried like a girl for more than 5 1/2 minutes
as she accepted her award on behalf of idols Dorothy Dandridge,
Lena Horne, Diahann Carroll and more than 20 others, didn't
shed as many tears when she smashed her Chevy Blazer into
a car last year, leaving a young woman alone in the street
with multiple fractures, as she drove off to get a facial.
Oops. Okay, maybe that's not fair. She is, after all, really
easy on the eyes. I think that needs some additional emphasis:
I'm guessing there's not a Grand Wizard in the Ku Klux Klan
who would kick her off the old posterpedic. Anyway, there
were plenty of other criminals in the audience being celebrated,
so why pick on the sexy one.
There was Russell Crowe, Oscar winning star of last year's
"Gladiator" and nominated again for "A Beautiful
Mind." Turns out he's got a trial date set for the end
of the month for breaking someone's thumb and taking a bite
out of his neck in a Aussie bar several months ago. Hey, things
happen. Two time Academy Award Nominees are allowed a little
latitude. Sheesh.
Woody Allen got a standing ovation...from everyone except
women. The aging director of "Annie Hall" and "Curse
of the Jade Scorpion," who was caught with pornographic
photographs of his four-year old, eventually denied every
one of Mia Farrow's charges before he married his eldest foster
child, Soon Yi. But he makes such splendid movies.
Then there's Will Smith. No known recent arrests, but everyone
knows he's "from West Philadelphia, born and raised,"
as the song goes. His only public crime is his John Gotti-sized
ego, but I'm not sure even John Gotti would brag to Oprah
Winfrey he could be President of the United States if he wanted.
And without a high school degree. What empowerment.
Sean Penn, another actor up for the night's top honors, also
has a lengthy rap sheet and a penchant for violent confrontations.
He was also lucky enough to snag one of the few, coveted retarded
and/or schitzophrenic roles this year. A great actor. Frankly,
I think he should have won over Denzel Washington, who by
the way, DOESN'T have a known police record. Who says nice
guys finish last?
You may think I'm jealous and bitter. That couldn't be further
from the truth. You see, I live within 2 miles of Hollywood
Blvd. and Highland Ave. For those of you that don't live in
Hollywood -- that's in Hollywood. I've never been arrested
for anything. I also have a drawer full of brilliant screenplays
and big dreams and I can't get within 3 miles of the police
barricade. Did I mention I only live 2 miles away?
Look, it's 1 a.m. as I write this and really and truly I
couldn't be happier for all the winners, including the criminals,
the really hot women wearing gowns nobody really cares who
made, all the pomp and circumstance, and the parties. Can't
forget the big parties with endless supplies of free expensive
champagne and caviar and prime rib and lobster buffets and
...AAAAARRRGGHH!!!!!
Did I mention Hugh Grant got a blowjob from a hooker?
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