Bob From Accounting: "Life as a Trainwreck"

BOB CONSIDERS QUITTING JOB TO WORK ON MUSIC, ABS

Reprinted from Bob's journal

March 28, 2004

Dear Journal,

I'm thinking about quitting my job. It's just way too hard to concentrate on fighting white collar crime, working on my music AND looking busy at work. Right now I'm doing all three so I can see which one makes me the most money. Last night I wrote a letter to Norah Jones asking her for some advice and also giving her permission to use some of my stuff on her next album. I haven't heard anything yet. I think she's really hot even though she doesn't write any of her own songs. She's not as hot as Kim Soo in shipping, but if I wasn't already in love with Kim Soo, I think I might possibly go for Norah Jones since we're both creative types. Plus, Kim Soo has a restraining order against me. I think this is really strange since Kim Soo barely speaks English. How the hell did she figure out how to fill out all that paperwork?

P.S. I've been working out a lot lately. I'm huge!

BFA SALUTES DONORS!

Single? Want to publicly humiliate an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/deadbeat dad? Want to share your angry beef with the world? Show your boobs? Make a large donation and we'll hand you a million readers.

INDEPENDENT FILMMAKER EXCEEDS PARENTS' LOW EXPECTATIONS

Name: Joel Goodman, LA, CA
Donation: $100

Why the donation? Your site rocks and I wanted to invite everyone to the premiere of "Lana's Rain," a fantastic movie opening in Los Angeles and around the country soon afterwards.

Is this a well-meaning and extremely ambitious piece of crap? No, in fact, this film has won several awards and even got three stars by Roger Ebert.

That fatass Roger Ebert really saw your movie? Yes, you can read about it here. Or check out our website. Actually, he's lost a lot of weight.

Are your parents proud of you? Yes.

More surprised then proud, huh? They are proud. They support me 100%. They always have.

They tell neighbors you're a doctor, don't they? No.

Wow, that girl starring in it seems pretty hot. Is she naked in the film? She's great and she won "best actress" at the Milan International Film Festival. And yes, you can see her naked.

Does Jesus appear in your film? No. How about Ben Affleck? No.

Any controversy? I'm appearing here aren't I?

Good point. Does the success of this movie mean you're no longer delivering pizzas? The money isn't important. No matter how much it makes, it has opened doors to make other movies.

I'll take a large pepperoni with extra cheese. Thanks, but l don't deliver pizzas.

You don't have a date for the premiere, do you? No, but if there are any cute girls that would like to attend, the film is playing at the Laemmle Theatre on Beverly and Fairfax beginning Friday, April 16th. The director and I will be there doing a Q & A.

Any last thoughts? "Lana's Rain" is sort of like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" -- except totally different.

BFA SALUTES GREG AND HIS 'FATASS EX-GIRLFRIEND'

Greg's former girlfriend before she got 'all fat n shit'

Name: Greg T., Buffalo, NY
Donation: $50

Why the donation? I like the website but mostly I wanted to humiliate my ex-girlfriend. Her name is Julie ~~Falcone~~. Don't post her last name because her brother is slightly bigger than me. LOL. Just use her initials or something. He's a dumb wop but he can read (Nothing against Italians LOL!) By the way, The photo I sent was when I first started dating her -- not later when she got all fat n shit.

Favorite part of the website: Shizzy. His prank emails are awesome. Are they real?

Yes they are real. So why do you hate Julie? I got her a job at ~~Dunhill Staffing~~-- it's a temp agency outside Buffalo but just write "temp agency." She started messing around with her boss and finally I confronted her and she admitted she was cheating on me. She borrowed money from me for more than two years to pay off her student loans. Then she used the money to buy a car AFTER she broke up with me. She didn't even graduate from college (SUNY Buffalo) but she still lies about it on her resume.

What do you want us to do about it? Nothing I guess. Just post that she's a bitch and a cheater. If any of your readers know her, maybe they could email her asking for my money back. Actually, I would rather if could you just have Shizzy do some kind of prank or something.

Sure, Shizzy would love to do that. What is her email? It's ~~italykitten101@yahoo.com~~. Thanks, tell Shizzy to give that fatass hell. She deserves it!

We agree.

COREY LOOKS FOR A DATE

Corey, circa 1981

Name: Corey C., 25, Chicago, IL
Donation: $25

Are you some kind of rich guy who can just afford to throw money away on some website just 'cuz we asked nicely? I love BFA and used to work in the dotcom business. I've definitely gotten my $25 out of your site. Plus, I'd like to meet some ladies. Yeah, us too.

Favorite part of the website: Ask Yu (when it's updated, which isn't often) Screw you.

Okay, sell yourself now: I'm a grad student (journalism) who does stand up comedy on the side. I'm attractive, about 5'9", I have light brown hair, blue eyes and good teeth. I'm a good listener and I am honest to a fault. Any girl who loves this site will also share my sense of humor. I'm good at fixing/building things and love camping. Can Anyone say 'drifter handyman?'

Do you take any psychotropic drugs, medically prescribed or otherwise? No, unless Nyquil counts. Only as an excuse to get out of traffic tickets or sex with your significant other.

Have you ever killed? Even if they deserved it? No.
He's a keeper, ladies!

Do you love you mother and if so how often do you speak to her? Yes, I love her but not in a "weird" way. We speak maybe once a week. Correct answer: when rent is due.

Who would you sleep with on "Friends"? I'd probably sleep with Rachel but I would actually date Phoebe because she's fun and she plays guitar. Correct answer: Joey.

Anything else you want to plug? I do an open mic at The Edge Wednesdays in Chicago. Please come see me! And I'd love to get emails from cute single ladies from 20-27. Long live Bob!!!

Email Corey C. at corey2150@yahoo.com