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WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold and unexpected move,
the Republican-dominated U.S. Supreme Court voted Thursday
to overturn the Magna Carta, finally paving the way for George
W. Bush to be crowned King and Ruler of the United States
later this summer.
Though the 6-3 decision marks a resounding defeat of constitutional
democracy, conservative members of the Court were quick to
point out the many benefits of getting rid of such an old,
outdated document.
"I just wish everyone would calm down. It's not nearly
as bad as it sounds," Justice Clarence Thomas said. "You'll
like it better then that old system, I promise."
The Magna Carta, a 786-year-old document consisting of a preamble
and 63 clauses, was the cornerstone of democratic development
in England and informed both the spirit and language of the
U.S. Constitution.
"Now it's toilet paper," laughed Justice Scalia.
"And there's nothing you liberal mamby- pambies can do
about it!"
Antonin Scalia, who wrote the majority decision, ordered the
Constitution and Bill of Rights be immediately redrawn according
to the "Articles of the Barons," which predates
the Magna Carta and more closely mimics the feudal hierarchy
of 13th century England.
Scalia wrote,"the creation of democracy and protection
of liberties for the common man was not the Founding Barons'
intent and thus the weaker Magna Carta cannot stand as a barrier
to the rights and prerogatives of the Barons and our soon-to-be-King
George."
In an angry dissent, Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg included
travel literature for neighboring Canada, where she plans
to move by the end of the summer.
Chief Justice Rehnquist decreed that a coronation ceremony
for President Bush would be held on July 4th. "It is
imperative," said Rehnquist, "that we seize the
symbol of Independence Day and return it over to the monarchy
and nobles, where it rightfully belongs."
A few clauses of the Magna Carta will be left intact, including
numbers 1, 27 and 63, which assert the power and freedom of
"The Church" to the exclusion of all minority religions,
and establish the legality of President Bush’s ability
to "do crazy shit" without much legal recourse.
The beheadings will commence Tuesday in front of the Capital
Building.
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Above:
In a surprising move, the Supreme Court voted to overturn
the Magna Carta
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