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Boston, MA -- Harvard University President Lawrence
Summers announced the creation of the first ever telemarketing
major, created for upperclassmen who had not yet chosen a
more conventional field of study and other students battling
self-esteem issues.
Summers cut the ribbon on the $88 million high-tech AT&T
University Phone Center Friday, launching the private college's
first foray into the multibillion dollar telemarketing industry,
which administrators hope will not only jumpstart the sluggish
economy, but allow students to feel like they are actually
working in a job they are trained for.
"Harvard is the greatest learning institution in the
entire country and has educated more U.S. Presidents and Nobel
Prize winners than all the other universities combined,"
Summers said at the ceremony filled with incoming students.
"For the rest of you overeducated social retards who
won't get hired anywhere else, I give you the 'School of Telemarketing!'"
According to a new brochure geared towards parents and prospective
students, Harvard will "teach all of life's complex lessons
on brutal and continuous rejection, anger management, salesmanship
and the anxiety and desperation associated with commission-based
jobs," and, comparing it to the TV show "Survivor,"
promises to teach young people how to survive in a dog-eat
dog world on just $400 a week, a telephone headset and a detailed
script of polite but firm rebuttals.
The decision to create a telemarketing major at the esteemed
college came after years of research into student disinterest,
drug-induced laziness and general apathy.
"We noticed that many of our students were gravitating
towards these jobs after graduation," Summers said. "Obviously
that's not a coincidence. We realized there was either great
interest in this exciting and challenging industry or graduates
actually enjoy living in their parents' basement until they're
30."
"To me, it's a no-brainer."
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Above
: The Harvard School of Telemarketing, class of 2008
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