Charlton
Heston may have Alzheimer's, but he has come out of retirement
one last time for this short film produced by BFA animator
Sheryl Carter, with special emergency funds from the Centers
For Disease Control and our parents.
It's
been several weeks and the hatemail keeps coming. It got so
annoying that I invited Shizzy,
American's favorite prankster, to help reply with the correspondence.
Shizzy decided to set the record straight with some shocking
insights from behind the scenes of American Idol II. When
the shit hits the fan, remember you read it on BFA first.
6.25.03 -
Thank you to the three nice folks who listened to my rant
last week and made a donation.
You represent less than one tenth of one percent of regular
readers who took my desperate call to action. I've now decided
I need to approach this in a new creative way. Sort of like
those annoying PBS funding drives they run all year round.
You are gonna actually get stuff. Good stuff. Stuff that you
can't get anywhere else. Stuff that you can't live without.
And I'm not just talking about a handsomely packaged video
tape of the program you just watched. That only works on stupid
people. Our readers aren't stupid, they're just lazy underachievers.
And lazy underachievers are usually greedy. I'm also going
to feature a new BFA donor every week. You can use this venue
to promote a website, your dogsitting service or an ex-girlfriend
you want to humiliate. Are you single? Well, let the world
know. Make a donation
and see results fast (hint: single girls seem to love the
generous, giving types).
Also you'll
be happy to know that Shizzy has promised me a new column
for Monday. Yu and
Debby will also
be posted before the next issue. Hope everyone is having a
wonderful summer of picnics and barbecues and relaxing days
at the beach, combing the sand with one of those neat metal
detectors -- and not stuck in a sweltering, non-air-conditioned
grocery store watering down vegetables like myself. One would
think they would at least fix the AC in a grocery store, but
I digress....
6.18.03 -
Does anyone know the meaning of summer hours? Summer hours
means on occasion when we update every two weeks we don't
get 500 emails wondering where the hell the funny went. Summer
hours mean that everyone writing for this website is broke
and has to take on part time work bagging groceries for movie
stars to make ends meet. Do you know how difficult it is to
flirt with hot actresses or show your new screenplay to those
important VIPs after you accidentally crush their loaf of
organic bread with a family size jar of Marshmellow Fluff?
It's not like in the movies. Not even porn. Please, for the
love of God, leave
a $5 donation or I'm shutting this puppy down.
I'm not kidding.
Hey, speaking
of celebrities who ignore me, I forgot to mention that I met
Catherine Zeta-Jones a couple of weeks ago. I went to the
premiere of "The In-Laws" (total crap) cuz my friend
Jake was the lowly accountant and he couldn't drum up a date.
I stood by Ms. Zeta Jones and pretended I was with the older
couple she was greeting. I laughed when everyone else laughed
and nodded in approval when everone else nodded in approval.
I'm quite sure she thought I was their handsome young son.
I'm sure the older couple thought I was part of her security
apparatus (I'm very muscular and intimidating) See how great
that strategy works? I stood within 12 inches of her. I didn't
really need to measure but trust me on that. Okay, maybe it
was more like five and three quarters inches. Anyway, she
would have been really attractive except she had this thick
disgusting glob of sweat across her entire upper lip. I just
kept staring at it, waiting for it to dribble in her mouth.
It was really quite gross. It totally ruined the moment for
me. Also, she just had a baby so she had that pouch thing
hanging around her midsection. I know what you're thinking
--it's Catherine Zeta-Jones. She's one of the most beautiful
women in the world. Well, you heard it here first: she's a
sweaty, bloated mess. And she talks funny.
Don't forget
the donation. Five
bucks is all we need from every reader, though
we won't protest if you you leave more. And if that happens
you'll never see a late issue ever again. That's a promise.
**
For now on winning poetry entries will be awarded prizes on
a weekly basis. This month's prizes are awesome: A "Dukes
of Hazzard" 8x10 photo, autographed by James Best, aka
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane. Dig that!
- Those Beautiful Eyes-
When
I look into your eyes
I see mirrors into your soul
Shades
of blue and green
It's like nothing I have ever seen
And
i'm not just saying that because
Last year i thought your eyes were brown,
It's
just I wasn't looking at your eyes
When
we first met downtown
I was looking into your soul
Which is sort of brown colored
Or maybe more like gold
Charlton
Heston may have Alzheimer's, but he has come out of retirement
one last time for this short film produced by BFA animator
Sheryl Carter, with special emergency funds from the Centers
For Disease Control and our parents.
It's
been several weeks and the hatemail keeps coming. It got so
annoying that I invited Shizzy,
American's favorite prankster, to help reply with the correspondence.
Shizzy decided to set the record straight with some shocking
insights from behind the scenes of American Idol II. When
the shit hits the fan, remember you read it on BFA first.
