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WASHINGTON, DC — In what is sure to be a serious blow
to young fans and followers of Jesus across the country, the
Federal Trade Commission announced a sweeping recall of all
Christians baptized between March 1979 and June 1985, fearing
many of them may have been accidentally blessed with piss
water.
"This should really come as no surprise," said
Cardinal Roger Mahoney of Los Angeles. during a press conference
Tuesday. "We have an entire generation of young Limp
Bizkit-loving, baggy pants-wearing, school-shooting, Ecstasy
freaks. We knew something was wrong but not until recently
did we know they it was because they were baptised in unblessed
urine."
According to FTC Spokesman Charles Dewhurst, the nation's
supply of holy water became adulterated when several rogue
priests in charge of distributing the water began siphoning
public swimming pools, at the same time swindling churches
out of millions of dollars earmarked for future molestation
lawsuits.
Though neither confirming nor denying the FTC's claim, nearly
every Christian denomination from Anabaptists on down to Unitarians
have issued statements to assuage the fears of those who may
have been affected by the recall.
Spokesperson for the U.C. Catholic Church, Cardinal Frances
Macalahan, echoed the feelings of most religious leaders.
"We don’t really know what happened with our holy
water, but we are urging all young people to come on back
in and get re-blessed, just in case. But please, for the love
of God, take a shower first."
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Above:
This baby was accidentally dunked in a vat of human refuse
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