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NEW YORK - While Federal prosecutors prepare their criminal
case against home decorating diva Martha Stewart, the nation's
female prison population eagerly anticipates her arrival.
"I just finished a beautiful lace and floral broom handle,
based on a pattern from her magazine," said convicted
murderer Donna Poier. "I think Martha would feel lucky
to be sodomized by such a lovely, sweet-smelling thing."
Several prisoners at the Women's Correction Facility in Frontera,
CA were busy readying their cells with silk window dressings,
macramé toilet seat covers and hand-painted steel shanks,
just in case Stewart is convicted on charges ranging from
insider trading to obstruction of justice.
"I know everyone here expects me to rape her immediately
because of my seniority status with virgin meat," admits
longtime inmate Bernice Benning. "But you can't just
rape a sophisticated businesswoman like Martha Stewart. First,
I'm going to help her get acclimated to her surroundings and
then hope she falls in love with me without the need for force.
After that, I will probably rape her, but in a very loving
way that doesn't leave ugly scars."
Stewart, chief executive of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia
Inc. and considered one of the richest and most powerful females
in the world, has denied the charges but says she's not scared
of prison.
"Those inmates don't scare me," Stewart said as
she prepared a summer curried chicken salad on her cable show.
"Everyone knows I invented prison rape."
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Photo:
Donna Poier and her cellmates made this beautifully decorated
broom handle which will be used to sodomize Stewart when she
arrives
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