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Humor
Links Below
Please
don't use them. Please. I'm asking you nicely. Stay here.
It's nice and warm here. Fine, pants are optional.
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BOB ARRIVES IN HOLLYWOOD, HOLDS CANDLELIGHT
VIGIL FOR TONY DANZA
Reprinted from
Bob's private journal
 Dear
Journal,
I finally found a cheap place to stay in Hollywood.
It's the cutest little youth hostel right next to the famous Mann's
Chinese Theater. It's sort of like a bed and breakfast, except
with homeless people. I can tell already it's just like
a big family
because everyone on my floor shares the same toilet. My bunkmate
is named Ziggy and he's a young musician that ran away from home
and moved out here to be famous.I told him all about my plans
and that I probably could help him once I meet Tony Danza because
Tony  has
just recorded a
brand new single and most certainly has contacts in the record
industry. At first he didn't believe I knew Tony, but then I showed
him my letter from his attorneys. Gotta run now, I'm about to
clean the urine off Tony's star while Ziggy gets his scrotum pierced.
I'm so bohemian!
READ
MORE OF BOB'S JOURNAL»
**New entries 6.26.02**
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 EDITOR'S
RANT
6.26.02
— Debby is back from vacation! New Shizzy and Yu
columns as well, so check 'em out and send in a question.
Next week is gonna be huge—we will be releasing an all
new Dress Up Bob Page and more
importantly, we will be officially announcing the Bob From
Accounting World Tour, which promises to be a blast. Please
help support this endeavor and we will bring the winnebago
to your po-dunk town, no matter how small and boring it is.
Also, I love the feedback letters we've been receiving, so
even if they're nasty and mean, go ahead and write them. I'll
publish the best ones.
Talk
to You Soon,
Scooter
6.19.02
— Prom. As millions of high school students celebrate
prom around the country, it got me thinking about my own prom
back in the days when bands like Van Halen kicked ass and
Molly Ringwald was actually considered sexy. My date Kelly
was no Molly Ringwald. In fact, I barely knew her, but her
friends began lobbying me into asking her by early May, knowing
full well that I was her last, best chance. Okay, no biggie.
Girls like that are MORE appreciative, right? Plus, I don't
mind hanging out with a group of friends and having sex with
a near stranger on the most special night of the year. Unfortunately,
because I didn't have the money for all the luxuries of prom
night, I did something that changed the course of my life
forever. MORE»
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 SHIZZY'S
MAILBAG
New
entries 6.26.02
Cruel, Cruel Email From
Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send comments or
ideas to
Shizzy.
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 1970's
Chinese action star, Jimmy "Yu" Weng Po offers
advice for losers, substance abusers and flabby, out-of-shape
Americans. Weekly.
ASK
YU New
Entries 6.26.02
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 Get
dating and relationship advice from Debby, the somewhat
bitter, mediocre-looking friend of several really hot chicks.
Weekly.
Read
Debby's Column New
Entries 6.26.02
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The
Worst-Case Scenario Handbook
Volume
1, Chapter 1
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"Summer Rain"
I sit on the porch and
listen to the rain
The sweet sounds that come from the sky
Drip, drip, drip, drip goes the rain
As it landeth in my eye
Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter,
Drip, drip, drip, drip,
Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, drip, drip,
And then it stops
There is nothing but silence
Only the sound of my heart is heard
Thump-thump goes my heart
Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump
My tender organs beat and you ask why?
Oh! I see a bird flying by!
Zoom, zoom goes the bird through the sky
Chirping and flapping, flapping and chirping
Flap, flap, flap, flap, goes his wings
Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp
Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep
And then it stops
There is nothing but silence
I obviously need to take more Ecstasy
Are you a crappy poet? Send
it in
.
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Dress
Up Bob —
NEW HOLLYWOOD EDITION!
Go»
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Americans
Demand Solution to 'David Blaine Problem' Read
Article »
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Prison Inmates Eagerly Await Arrival of Martha Stewart
Read Article »
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Israel
to Block Out Neighbor with Giant Fence; Palestinians
Demand Garden Tools Back Read
Article »
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Baptism
Recall: Those Baptised Between March 1979 and June 1985
May Have Been Blessed With Pisswater Read
Article»
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A Benny Hill Tribute to the Late John Gotti Read»
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Showtime At the Apollo Runs out of Talentless Black
Performers; Whitey Now Invited
Read Article»
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FEATURES
LifeStyles
Herbalife
Distributor Loses 40 Pounds, Friends
Showbiz
Woman
Really Nails Hand Model Audition
Photo of the Week
Prom:
Not the Way I Remember
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"John
Gotti "
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Vital Stats
Marital Status: Prison bitch currently
battling wife for estate
Nicknames: The Dapper Don, The Teflon
Don, The Cancer Capo, That Poor Sick Fuck, The Illiterate
Mafia Boss Who Forgot to Pay His Taxes, Johnnie "Loose
Bowels" Gotti, The Prison Book Hog, The Bedwetter, The
Guy from Cell Block D With The Deviated Septum, The Meatball
Sandwich
Positives: Wears
expensive suits; made of Teflon; vast network of subordinates
would do anything for him unless they were caught by the FBI,
in which case they would rat him out for a jar of Prego.
Negatives: Teflon
not good at fighting cancer or a 300 pound prison bunkmate
named Blacksnake
Famous Quote: " I love doilies!"
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