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Washington, D.C. - According to the recent findings
of the nonprofit American Self-Esteem Foundation (ASEF), you
are not special at all. You, your friends and family members
are neither special, unique, nor are you possessing of any
singular gifts or talents. In effect, you are just a random
cell combination similar to billions of other random cell
combinations that serve no other purpose than to suck air
and collaborate in the collective food chain.
The full report, commissioned by private sources, will be
released early next week, and researchers are expecting the
findings to cause controversy, especially those which compare
the average school child to that of simple pond bacteria.
"There's absolutely nothing in the world wrong with
being totally unspecial and unimportant in the grand scheme
of things," lead researcher Charles Umbert said. "Just
like God has no special plan for sea plankton, he also has
no special plan for little Timmy or little Sally or any of
your doltish offspring -- no matter how much you want to think
otherwise."
Not only does the report give ample proof of your total unimportance
and general ineffectiveness but it incorporates why you are
mostly unlikable, why you will continue to fail at most tasks
and why it wouldn't matter if you were never born at all.
"We did extensive analysis of theories popularized by
[children's television host] Fred Rogers as well as the more
adult-centered philosophies of motivational speaker and author
Anthony Robbins," Umbert said. "What we found is
that these greedy, money-hungry con artists are falsely and
indiscriminately telling people they are valuable, constructive
and special members of society with important roles to play
no matter how unintelligent, uneducated or unattractive they
are. We'd like to stop this kind of dangerous thinking. There
is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy and if you die tomorrow,
it doesn't really matter—except there would be more air
and food for the rest of us."
Furthermore, the report states that low functioning children
and unattractive adults in particular are only unique in that
they are easily duped into thinking that they can overcome
such disabilities and that they have other, more important
qualities, which, in the long run, will overshadow their obvious
shortcomings.
"I'm sorry it just doesn't really matter. You will fail,"
Umbert said. "And if you want to find out just exactly
how and why, then please go to your local bookstore and order
the full report. All four volumes will be made available to
the public for the unheard of price of just $129.00 or $200
for you super-unimportant Canadians."
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Photos:
Motivational speaker Tony Robbins and children's TV host Mister
Rogers are "big, fat liars," according to a new
report
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