JESSICA
LYNCH EXCITED ABOUT SPENDING REST OF LIFE IN SHITHOLE TOWN
Elizabeth,
W. VA - Former
POW Jessica Lynch, the injured Army private whose story of
capture and subsequent rescue touched millions, came home
Tuesday to her shithole town where she is expected to spend
the rest of her life.More»
BFA
NOW WHORING ITSELF OUT WITH NEW DONOR CORNER
Corey,
circa 1981
Name: Corey C., 25,
Chicago, IL Donation: $25
Are you some kind of rich
guy who can just afford to throw money away on some website
just 'cuz we asked nicely? I love BFA and used to work
in the dotcom business. I've definitely gotten my $25 out
of your site. Plus, I'd like to meet some ladies. Yeah,
us too.
Favorite part of the website:Ask
Yu (when it's updated, which isn't often) Screw
you.
Okay, sell yourself now:
I'm a grad student (journalism) who does stand up comedy on
the side. I'm attractive, about 5'9", I have light brown
hair, blue eyes and good teeth. I'm a good listener and I
am honest to a fault. Any girl who loves this site will also
share my sense of humor. I'm good at fixing/building things
and love camping. Can Anyone say
'drifter handyman?'
Do
you take any psychotropic drugs, medically prescribed or otherwise?
No, unless Nyquil counts. Only as
an excuse to get out of traffic tickets or sex with your significant
other.
Have
you ever killed? Even if they deserved it? No.
He's a keeper, ladies!
Do
you love you mother and if so how often do you speak to her?
Yes, I love her but not in a "weird" way. We speak
maybe once a week. Correct answer:
when rent is due.
Who
would you sleep with on "Friends"? I'd probably
sleep with Rachel but I would actually date Phoebe because
she's fun and she plays guitar. Correct
answer: Joey.
Anything
else you want to plug? I do an open mic at The Edge Wednesdays
in Chicago. Please come see me! And I'd love to get emails
from cute single ladies from 20-27. Long live Bob!!!
Single?
Have a business or service to advertise? Want to publicly
humiliate an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/deadbeat dad? Want to
share your angry beef with the world? Show your boobs? Make
a donation of at least $20 and we'll hand you a million
readers.
7.30.03
- August
is upon us and that means the summer is almost over. I can
look back and think of all the goals I set for myself this
summer and come to the realization that I'm a giant, lazy
failure. I didn't go to the beach even once, even though I
live 15 minutes away. That means I didn't work on my tan or
my abs and I'm no closer to publicly taking off my shirt than
I was in May. I didn't finish the screenplay I've been working
on for months. I didn't listen to an open-air concert or go
to any museums. I didn't have a whirlwind summer romance with
any beautiful Swedish "au pair", who would make
all my fantasies come true for three months with no consequences
or longterm commitments. This summer has been pretty unsuccessful
if I put it in those terms.
Here's what
I did accomplish: I watched seasons 1 & 2 of "The
Simpsons" on DVD, I sexually harassed Media
Whore (she's a babe), I discovered cheap wine at Trader
Joe's ($2 Charles Shaw Merlot), I cleaned my closet and I
spent $1500 to make my vintage Volkswagen Karmann Ghia go
five miles per hour faster.
I have now rewritten my goals for the last 4 weeks of summer
since I think I've been a bit too ambitious. I hope to: continue
to sexually harass Media Whore, sue my car mechanic, begin
a whirlwind romance with my Hispanic cleaning woman, who has
really low standards I'm told, and finally, I hope to spend
the rest of the summer attempting to match the beautiful olive
color of my arms and neck to the rest of my pasty body. Is
that too much to ask? I think not. By the way, season 3 of
the Simpson's is released
on August 26. I can't wait.
**
Winning poetry entries will be awarded prizes every week!
-Riding the Hump-
She's nine months pregnant
And it gives me the creeps,
She still has desires
Womanly and deep.
The doctor says it's fine
And healthy, matter of fact,
But missionary's out,
'Cause she can't lie on her back.
It's tough for me to do,
A mental block, for sure,
Like mowing over flowers,
Ruining something pure.
But she wants to go again,
So I crack another beer.
Our child will hate trains and rockets,
A type of phallic fear.
Steve Vanduine, Kalamazoo, Michigan
-Day
at the Races-
Another Saturday at the track,
Photo finish taunts me with the truth,
Wish I could turn the clock back,
No collegiate future for my youth,
Fuckin' number 7.
by Frank Doyle, Greenwood Lake, NY
-A
Conversation with Robert Goulet-
I first told Mr. Goulet about my dreams,
And then my insecurities
But he seemed angry and responded-
"How about I put my head up your vagina
so your babies come up Goulet!"
I nodded and had to agree with him
Nickname(s):
"Shaquille O'Neal's Towel Boy"; "The Mauler";
"That Tall Guy Who Chokes Girls"; "Big, Lying
Faker Who Pretends He's Nice So He Can Get Big Endorsement
Contracts, But Really Is a Horrible Sex Monster"
Pros:
High scoring player for the Lakers, multimillionaire, wife
thinks "he's all that"
Cons:
Known for lockerroom whining, ball- hogging, hog-balling
Favorite
Expression(s): "I'm having knee surgery in the morning
and may die under anesthesia, so we are now going to have
sex!"
I
wish: "for peace on Earth and someday there will
be no such thing as stray pubic hairs"
Elizabeth,
W. VA - Former
POW Jessica Lynch, the injured Army private whose story of
capture and subsequent rescue touched millions, came home
Tuesday to her shithole town where she is expected to spend
the rest of her life.
