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INDIANA -
In a desperate effort to encourage summer traveling, Rand McNally,
the world’s largest publisher of American road maps, has
produced a special summer issue ranking the 10 best highways
in America to give oral sex.
Rand McNally Chairman Andrew McNally III, explained the
new rankings were a necessary tool to combat limp sales of
roadway maps as well as tap into a whole new population of
would-be road trippers.
"The dysfunctional family driving along in the Winnebago
on their way to Yosemite just isn't sexy or hip anymore,"
McNally says today. "Our nation's highways and recreational
areas are also meant for young people to not only experiment
with the wonderful pleasures of the skin, but learn geography
as well."
McNally used several benchmarks when ranking the nation’s
10 best highways for oral sex during its two-year study. “We
judged the highways first by width and size of shoulder. It’s
really important to have a really wide highway so you have
room for error if need be. Secondly, if you are bold enough
to engage while driving, you need a moderate speed limit and
plenty of runaway truck ramps in the case of violent orgasms
or a potentially deadly case of lockjaw."
"Then there's the scenic factor. I'm telling you from
experience, there's no better way to get a partner in the
mood then riding along the gently sloping lanes of the West
Virginia Turnpike. It's like seeing a little piece of heaven.
But seriously, watch out for the lockjaw. It has a way of
really ruining the moment."
A SAMPLE OF THE RANKINGS
1. Interstate 64 - West Virginian.
Deep in the heart of Appalachia. It's quiet and romantic,
but be careful - if a local asks your boyfriend to get on
all fours and squeal like a pig, get back in your car and
flee.
2. Interstate 95 - The border between North
Carolina and South Carolina. A roadside tourist destination
replete with imported hookers makes this a handy destination
for the whole family.
3. Interstate 20 - A long stretch of road
through Southern Texas It is recommended you turn on the air
conditioner several minutes before you begin oral copulation.
High intense heat is known to cause lockjaw.
4. Interstate 15 - It's the golden
road from Los Angeles to Las Vegas. Here you may even get
odds on the time it takes you to finish. If you're good, you
might just get recruited for one of the many brothels in the
area, so give everyone a good show.
5. Interstate 94 - Minneapolis is
beautiful in the summer but cold as a witch's tit in a brass
bra during the winter. If your car stalls on a remote strip
of this highway, oral copulation may just do the trick. Your
partner will surely die however. Beware of severe frostbite
to the testicles. Severe cold is also known to cause lockjaw.
6. Interstate 95 - (Again) This time
it's Washington, D.C. The politicians are experienced and
you will be competing with many young interns ready to take
over when your mouth gets tired. Always tell a parent where
you are going. Bring ID and a videocamera whenever possible.
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