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Hello reader. Yu back! Wow, Yu been so busy this summer
that I not have time to answer
question from fat, war-mongering, American reader or pay
electric bill. So sorry. I kidding! I not sorry at all. It
great! Summer remind Yu of growing up in Shaolin monastery
and once every summer they remove chains and we get to go
beach and have party and go surfing. Actually, it not really
surfing. It more like forced sex with stranger. We just 10
Chinese boy with shaved head, what we know?! After Yu sold
for sack of bamboo, we end party trying to find coin in sand
with metal dectector to pay for sour wing wong soup. It never
taste so good!
Since many people not yet read my column,
I remind reader that in China back in 1970's/1980's Yu more
famous movie star than Ben Affleck. He only 10 year old back
then and not make many movie in China. I kidding! Yu become
famous after starring in series of "Jade Tiger"
movies. Every Jade Tiger movie huge box office success in
China bathhouse circuit. Then Yu write, produce and star in
final film, "Jade Tiger Ha Ha Ha!" It first movie
that combine kung fu and comedy. It first time I break cinder
block with ding dong but not the last. It brilliant! It also
completely destroy career. Then, Jackie Chan fishing around
garbage can in alley looking for food and he find copy of
film. The rest is history. Jackie Chan famous and China filled
with 1 billion idiot.
This year, Yu decide to stop being angry and blame Jackie
Chan and Chow Yun Fat for bad luck. I not call magazine anymore
to report Jackie Chan have herpes. What this solve? Nothing!
Even though it true. He also gay.
Anyway, here my big news. YU SPEND SUMMER IN HONG KONG AND
MAKE NEW MOVIE!!! It true! People finally realize I not just
ex-boyfriend to Joyce Dewitt and mother on "Little House
on Prairie." Yu have talent and still break cinder block
on first try. I decide to keep a journal while making movie.
It not very long but that just because it hard to write in
geisha whorehouse. They not have computer!
July 4th, 2004
What a day! Firework and hot dog everywhere! It great to be
back in Hong Kong! Chinese invent gunpowder, but can’t
figure a way to stop making baby. Japanese so much better
with stuff like that. Math and baby. More importantly, Yu
here to make movie. It called ‘Return of Jade Tiger’.
It about time! Nothing prepare a person for making movie than
writing for web site. Finally a chance to prove self! This
the shot I been waiting for. There no way I going to blow
this!!
July 5th, 2004
Well, Yu got fired from movie but it not my fault. I not know
what happened. It start when director ask WWJD (What Would
Jackie Do?) and I kick him in throat. That crazy! Jackie Chan
steal Yu box office thunder! He make turd like "The Medallion."
Now, Yu in Hong Kong and not know what to do. Maybe I can
look up old fan. Yu was box office king for years! People
will remember Yu!
July 12th, 2004
This longest week of life. I never see so much ramen noodle.
Old girlfriend Chee Cho not accept collect call. She also
not accept ding dong and that free!
July 26th, 2004
Brainstorm! I decide to look up parent. Yu not see them since
courtroom molestation trial. It just big joke. It only way
to get attention! They happy to hear from son. I having trouble
finding family. Phone book in China is 4 feet thick! On my
last try I get mother. She ask why I not call and I say I
forgot about family. It confuse her enough that I talk her
into letting me have old room back.
August 4th, 2004
My back hurt. I forget old room is on dirt floor in basement.
It bring back old memories. Beating with stick feel just like
old times. When I first go to parent house, they first pretend
they not home. I bang on door for hour and say " I hear
you whispering!" Finally, we have tearful reunion then
father throw a sack over head and toss me onto bus to monestary.
It just like old times. Master happy to see me, even though
he blind. He still have picture of Yu on wall when I star
in "Annie Get Your Gun." It good to be home.
August 19th, 2004
I escape from monastery and earn money with tin cup and sing
old folk song. In no time I make enough money to buy hot dumpling.
On way to dumpling stand I pass geisha whorehouse. This same
exact geisha whorehouse from childhood and it not change a
bit! Even though Yu not eaten in many day, I always follow
ding dong. It glorious experience! They break out carrot stick,
eagle rising over swan and some thing with rib all over it.
Oh yeah, it a barbecue.
August 24th, 2004
Local tough guy challenge Yu to fight. I try explain that
I not want to fight that there better way to settle argument.
He make fun of Yu lisp and then insult family in attempt to
make Yu fight. I not care what he say until he say I just
like Chinese Gary Coleman. Then Yu go completely crazy!
August 31, 2004
I spend week in jail. Yu explain to police that hand just
like deadly weapon and it not my fault. He accuse me of hitting
man with jagged rock. What the difference? Jagged rock just
as strong as Yu hand! It turn out that I going to be sent
back to United States since I not officially Hong Kong citizen
anymore. They disown me in big ceremony back in 1981. I not
know this. The worst part is that they make me shave off mustache
in shame. The best part was that I get back to U.S. I just
slip in with other terrorist and no one notice. Except one
retarded kid who think I Will Smith. Then he give me all his
money.
Today
Mustache growing back in nicely. It much thicker and stronger
than before. Just like what happened to ding dong with essence
of oak root shakes. This past summer give me a lot to think
about. I realize it important when giving advice to understand
youth of America. I need get out and see America. Really get
a feel for this great country. And try to get some young American
tang. So beginning soon, I start "Tales from the Yuniverse."
It a Yu clearing house! I not kidding! I answer question from
time to time if it not stupid and it involve money from website.
I also work on Chinese ‘Girl Go Wild’ video. So
far it just a bunch of Oriental women getting embarrassed
and laughing into hands. Until then America, stay fat and
lazy. Spring Break! HI YA CHA!
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