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Brigham, CT
— Brigham Township librarian Mary Constable hates everyone,
it was revealed Monday during a speech at her retirement party.
She hates adults, young readers and particularly you.
Well known to patrons as a strict disciplinarian,
Constable has been a librarian in the township for nearly
four decades, first working as a volunteer back in 1965, then
as a paid employee where she rose up the ranks to head librarian.
Now, at age 65, the hatred is too overwhelming to continue.
During a farewell luncheon hosted by the Women's
League of Brigham, Constable began her speech by thanking
everyone for the opportunity of missing out on marriage and
kids as well as a rewarding career using her college degree.
She then reminisced about her favorite memories of the thousands
of people who passed through the library's doors throughout
her tenure.
"I hated every single day equally,"
Constable said. "I hated every f***ing one of you. I
hate the f***ing Dewey Decimal System. I hate telling you
to shut your mouth that other people I also hate are trying
to read. I hate your ugly f***ing face, you and your children
are all a bunch of illiterate f***!"
While Constable concluded she hates everyone
equally, pissed her whole life away, and wants the whole town
and all of it's inhabitants to die a horrible death in a large
fire or earthquake, she admits she cherished her time working
at the library and will miss "the blind, choking rage
I felt every single day I worked in this f***ing hellhole."
Constable then recited an essay she wrote
specifically for this occasion.
"I hate the way your f***ing mouth moves
when you read.
I hate the way you dog-ear pages of books
that aren't yours.
I hate the way you continue to talk loudly,
when I've told you five times to shut the f*** up.
"I hate the way you ask me dumb f***ing
questions about books you'll never f***ing read.
I hate the way you dab saliva on your finger
as you turn the f***ing page.
I hate the way you never return books on time
and then make f***ing excuses and beg for reduced fines.
I hate all your f***ing guts. Goodbye!
Constable will be working as a substitute teacher for Brigham
Middle School beginning this fall.
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