THE BOB DIARY

READ THIS WEEK'S ENTRIES 8.7.02

Or if this this your first visit, you should definitely START AT THE VERY BEGINNING

OR you could just start here...

January 10, 2002

Dear Journal,

I really hope the LoserWire editors die. I'm not going to let them post my journal no matter how much they beg. My journal has my most secretest and private thoughts as well as all my notes for my book and/or screenplay I'm writing. People will probably try to steal it because of all the good ideas. Don't worry, I'll never let some punk-ass internet people come between you and I. Now that I've been freed from my Y2K fallout shelter, I think I'll have plenty of time to start working on that book and/or screenplay that has been in my mind for so long. I can't wait to tell you everything that's happened at work since I got back, but I have to run right now --it's late and I want to watch Showtime at the Apollo. Someday, maybe I could be on that show. Wouldn't that be neat?

Editors Note: After careful consideration, Bob from Accounting has decided to let our readers view his journal, which is posted in it's entirety. We want to stress this ISN'T a diary. It is a journal. Diaries are for sissies.

January 11, 2002

Dear Journal,

See, I told you I'd be back. It's not really a new day even though I wrote "January 11th" up above because Showtime at the Apollo is on very late, so I decided to write this entry as "January 11th" which it actually is -- you understand what I'm saying. I'm saying that when I told you I'd be back, I meant I would be back after Showtime at the Apollo -- which I did -- not on a new day as it appears. So I did come back just like I said I would do. I came back today, not tomorrow. Is this confusing? All you really need to understand is I said I would be back later and I am. Later, not tomorrow. Today. Tonight. Isn't it great that I'm writing again?? I know I was kind of a jerk for the past 2 years but I'm really glad we're still the bestest of friends. More later -- I mean later, tomorrow, not today. Goodnight!

January 11 (AGAIN), 2002

Dear Journal,

Actually, it was one o'clock in the morning when I said I'd be back tomorrow, so I really came back today, not tomorrow. Nevermind.

January 18, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay, I'm back. I really need to tell you about everything that happened after I was discovered from my Y2K shelter a few weeks ago. That way you'll understand what's going on today. First of all, I did want to apologize for leaving you in that pile of sewage for all those days afterwards. I was so excited by being discovered, and then all the attention by the local news, that I just lost my mind I think. So remember when I heard tapping on the sewage pipe? Well it was this very lovely janitor named Rolanda and she told me that there wasn't any doomsday comet which was good news, except for the fact that I pissed away the last two years of my life. Anyway, I don't mean to be bitter, but that did kinda suck.

By the way, Rolanda the janitor was pretty hot in that janitor sort of way. I've always thought female janitors are really sexy which may sound funny since I'm an accountant but they have really strong hands from gripping that mop all day. They really know how to grip that rod if you know what I mean. Get it? That's just a little sex talk. Gimme a break, if I can't say everything to you, then where can I? Plus, I'm drunk.

January 19, 2002

Dear Journal,

Notice how often I'm writing to you? It's not once a month like before. Now I'm inspired so I have tons to write about. I just wanted to tell you that.

January 21, 2002

Dear Journal,

I just took some Nyquil for my cold so I need to tell you quickly about everything that's happened in my life before I fall asleep. Wow, Nyquil is even stronger then bourbon. BRB (that means "be right back," btw) (btw means "by the way," by the way)

January 24, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry about that. I woke up in a puddle of urine. Remind me to buy more Nyquil. Okay, this time I'm not stopping until you know everything.

Rolanda, the sexy janitor lady found me and told me everything was safe underground. I didn't believe her at first, but she finally convinced me she wasn't a human hybrid working for some new apeman government. Okay, I realize that sounds dumb now, but at the time, it was entirely possible. Give me a break, you were scared too. So anyway, I immediately went to the office because of that pile of work I was expecting at my desk. Plus, I was sooo excited to see everyone -- especially Kim Soo. Then my plan was to call my mother at the retirement home so she wouldn't worry. When I first walked in the door it was as if I had never left...but unfortunately, not in a good way. You'll be happy to know I did have voicemail, but most of it was not very nice. Apparently, I was in charge of bringing napkins and condiments to a twice-yearly company potluck. I missed four of them and I guess nobody thought to assign the napkins and condiments to anyone else. So they were really mad about that, but they understood when I told them everything that happened to me.

Guess what? You'll be surprised to find out I actually had a crowd gathering around me for pretty much the first time in my life. It didn't turn out so great though, because in all that excitement I forgot I hadn't showered a couple of years. My new boss sent me home without pay. I bet you can't guess who my new boss is? Trust me, you're not going to believe this one. It's Phil Klimczech (from collections). Remember him? Well, as you probably know, he wasn't sealed in that Y2K shelter with me, which is strange since he's the one who told me about it in the first place. I've been trying to set up a meeting to talk to him about this, but he tells me he hasn't received my emails and there must be something wrong with my computer. I'm really beginning to dislike that guy. Yes, even more than before.

I bet you're wondering what happened to Kim Soo. I can't wait to tell you but my hands are all achy from writing so much. Now I know how Mark Twain felt!!

January 22, 2002

Dear Journal,

It just occurred to me that Groundhog Day is just around the corner. I don't have anything special planned, which is exactly what happened last year. Maybe if there was one of those Sadie Hawkins dances on Groundhog Day, then maybe Kim Soo would ask me to be her date. That would be so cool. I'd say yes, of course, but I'd pretend like I'm deciding on my options (I saw that in a movie once) I really need to fill you in on what's happened to Kim Soo since I left. Hey, I just thought of something really funny! Remember that potato bug I made friends with last year? I don't know what the life expectancy is for a potato bug is but I suspect he's dead by now. The funny thing is I'm not even upset! I've moved on just like I said I would. I'm out of bourbon so I have to go, but I PROMISE tomorrow I'll tell you all about everything that happened to me since they pried me from my Y2K shelter.

I'm back and I'm kinda drunk, but I think I just had the most incredible idea of my life! Remember that book and/or screenplay I've been working on? Well, think about it, I just spent all my time underground, hidden away from the world. Get it? I could write about all those interesting characters up above ground that didn't get sealed away in a Y2K bunker. Boy, I bet that was really cool.

January 24, 2002

Dear Journal,

I can't believe I didn't think of this before -- I'll write my book and/or screenplay about MY OWN experiences in the Y2K bunker. I think that will be much, much easier. I'm so excited I can't sit still. I'm going to the liquor store. Want anything? Just kidding. brb (be right back)

January 25, 2002

Dear Journal,

You are not going to believe what happened. Those punk-ass Internet bastards must have found this journal the other night when I was passed out on Nyquil! Or it could have been a bourbon night. Anyway, that doesn't matter. What matters is they somehow found my secret hiding place and published my entries so the whole world could see. I swear, if those guys don't stop it, I'll slap their ass with a lawsuit so fast, it'll make their heads spin -- I could easily just call my lawyer cousin -- ooh, that reminds me, now I really need to copyright that book and/or screenplay idea I've been working on so nobody steals it. Wouldn't that suck? All that hard work down the drain!

January 27, 2002

Dear Journal,

Oh Kim Soo. Oh Kim Soo. I'm so blue thinking about Kim Soo. I'm a poet and didn't even know it (get it? that rhymes) Boy oh boy, Kim Soo is one fine piece of Asian ass. Oops. That wasn't a very nice thing to say, huh? Unfortunately, I've had such a hard time talking to her since I got out of the Y2K shelter. She always seems to be busy or she has to run off somewhere. Maybe she'll want to get together for Groundhog Day. That would be really cool because I'm one of those people that really get into celebrating Groundhog Day. That Punxatawney Phil is so cute, not like that prick Phil from collections. If Phil from collections poked his head out of a hole, I'd shoot him with a 12 gauge shotgun. I don't actually own a 12 gauge shotgun, but I think you get the point. I'm beginning to get the impression that Phil is after Kim Soo. I know this sounds crazy and I'm just being paranoid, but they do seem to spend a lot of time together. What am I saying? Kim Soo had sex with me. I realize it was more than two years ago, but a girl like that can't have sex with a guy and just fall out of love so easily. Boy, I feel stupid. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow.

January 29, 2002

Dear Journal,

I tried to talk to Kim Soo but but she said she had to go to the bathroom. She must have been really sick because she stayed there for several hours. I know this because I stood there outside the door waiting for her to come out. I hope she's okay. It's probably all that weird Chinese food she eats. I know when I eat Chinese food, my crap smells kind of funny. Funnier than usual.

January 30, 2002

Dear Journal,

I got up early today to get some work done on my book and/or screenplay. I'm not even going to watch Katie Couric this morning. She's my second favorite news woman next to Connie Chung, who is the BEST news woman on the planet and that's not just because I want to have sex with her. Okay, it is, but I still think she does a good job. I really can't think about Connie Chung right now even though I want to because I need to get cracking on the book and/or screenplay I've been working on. I'm thinking that my main character's name will be Tim, not Bob. What do you think? It would probably be easier to name my character Bob because I'm going to write about my own experiences living in the Y2K shelter for the past two years, but I am writing a story and I'm told in fiction, you are allowed to do stuff like that. You'll be happy to know I bought several more books on writing, so that should help. I just never seem to find the time to read these. But a writer like me needs to have discipline and not sit around in the comfy chair drinking bourbon straight from the bottle.

January 31, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry about leaving so quickly yesterday. I sat in the comfy chair and drank bourbon from the bottle. It's not because I'm an alcoholic or anything, I just didn't have any clean glasses. And I didn't have time to wash them, since I had to get to work by 9.

February 1, 2002

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day and I never got a chance to ask Kim Soo for a date. She was sick again today. I waited several hours for her in the parking lot, but she didn't come out. She must work really long hours. But actually a neat thing happened while I was waiting for Kim Soo. I ran into Rolanda. Remember her? She was the nice janitor that rescued me from the Y2K shelter. I happened to ask her if she was doing anything for Groundhog day and she had never even heard of Groundhog Day? Can you believe that? I guess they don't really get into that holiday in her native country of Mexico. Anyway, my mind started working really fast and I figured, what the hay! I asked her out right there for a date. And she said yes. I have to admit I'm excited about Rolanda because I do have a thing for female janitors but I must also confess, I think it may make Kim Soo a bit jealous. You know how women get! I just need a way to let Kim Soo know that Rolanda has the hots for me.

February 2, 2002

Dear Journal,

I just finished my date with Rolanda. She is one great lady. I didn't really know where to take her for Groundhog Day, since I usually spend it by myself. So we ended up at my apartment watching Tony Danza's Biography on the A&E cable channel. Did you know Tony Danza has a one man show in Las Vegas? He can can sing and dance and act. He is really amazing. She seemed to really like him too, because she kept saying over and over how she'd like him to tap dance all over her. She said this in Spanish, of course, but I checked my Spanish-English dictionary after she left so I know what she said. I wonder what she meant by that. Anyways, there was no hanky panky, considering she's in her seventies. Did I mention that? But I did make sure we passed Kim Soo's house several times in my car so she would see I was out having fun with my date. I'm telling you, this jealousy thing is the way to go. On Monday, she'll be begging for a date. Tomorrow is Sunday, so I'll definitely spend that time working on my book and/or screenplay.

February 4, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today was a really crappy day at work. I waited around the shipping department to give Kim Soo a chance to talk to me. I'm pretty sure she saw me there, though it's sometimes hard to tell because of her lazy eye. Well, to make a long story short, she never came over and demanded I stop seeing other women. Then, I got called into the senior vice president's office. He told me that if I didn't stop harassing the employees, he would have to fire me. I told him about Kim Soo and about our love affair two years ago and I even told him about that night I had sex with her. After forcing me to give him a full description of our sexual encounter for his records, he dismissed me. Not from the company, thank God, but from his office. He then closed the door and shut the blinds. When I came out, Phil from collections was standing there with a big grin on his face. That bastard.

February 7, 2002

Dear Journal,

I'm very, very angry today, dear diary (I mean journal, ha ha) I've come to the conclusion that Phil and those bastard cult members purposely had me sealed in that Y2K shelter so he could get his hands on Kim Soo without me around. I can't believe I never thought of that before. It's all making sense to me now. I know what I must do, but I'm out of bourbon, so first things first.

February 10, 2002

Dear Journal,

Thank God I have my journal to tell my most secret thoughts and desires. Here's secret thought #1: I'm not joking around this time about getting back at Phil from collections and those cult members for sealing me in that Y2K shelter for the past two years. I keep asking myself what Tony Danza would do in this situation. Being a talented actor and former boxer who doesn't take any guff, I don't think he'd let people walk all over him. And neither should I. Phil is going to wish he never met me after I'm done with him. I'm thinking about opening one of those cans of whoop-ass on his...ass. Okay, that really didn't sound right. Secret thought #2: as far as those bastard website editors that keep harassing me, you'll be happy to know, I've given them the slip. I'm now typing my journal entries on the hidden E-drive of my computer. Those A-holes will never post my personal thoughts again,

February 14, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today is Valentine's Day. You probably think I'm spending it with Kim Soo, huh? Well you're wrong. Guess again. Nope, not Rolanda the janitor either. I happened to buy one of those pricey latex sex dolls they sell on the Internet I know what you're thinking -- I should just obtain the services of a prostitute -- but I didn't get it for me, dumbass, I got it as A JOKE. I'm going to send it to Phil (from collections) only I'm going to make sure the Senior Vice President opens it by accident. Boy will that be funny. You know how those things get around the office. He's going to be the source of all the buzz at the water cooler. I do often wonder what they always talk about at the water cooler. They always seem to finish their conversation as I approach, but this time they're gonna talk about that pervert, Phil. I bet he'll get fired for sure. I hope Kim Soo gets wind of it too. Boy this is going to be the best joke ever. That rat bastard! Sorry, dear diary (I mean journal, ha ha) I just really hate that guy. Plus I'm drunk again. Hey, it's Valentine's Day!

February 15, 2002

Dear Journal,

The joke on Phil is going to have to wait. I bought some discount chocolates left over from Valentine's Day and now I'm not feeling so well. My crap smells funny too. Funnier than usual.

February 16, 2002

Dear Journal,

I just watched the senior VP's secretary hand him the package with the sex doll. This is so exciting! I can't wait to see the look on his face when he sees that it's supposed to be for Phil. He'll probably fire him right on the spot! BRB (that's be right back if you forgot!)

Okay, it's a couple hours later and the senior VP is still in his office. I could see him opening the package but then he suddenly shut the door and closed his blinds, so I'm assuming he decided to fire Phil over the phone. If I were the Senior Vice President and had to fire someone, that's probably how I'd do it. Oh wait, he's coming out right now. And he's all red and flushed. Boy, I bet he's mad. Editor's Note:

We apologize for the delay in getting Bob's Journal online during the past two weeks. Unfortunately, we had no choice but to bribe Rolanda the janitor into agreeing to have a date with Bob and then searching his apartment for his latest submissions. Much to our surprise, she really enjoyed the evening and hopes he'll call again soon. She has also asked Jesus to forgive her for her sins.

February 17, 2002

Dear Journal,

My joke didn't go exactly as expected. The senior VP didn't say a thing and I'm out a couple hundred bucks for the sex doll. I really do need to plan these things better. Listen, journal, I know I've been such a sap about all this stuff. I maintain a really rough and tough exterior as you know, but I do have a sensitive side. I just wanted to let you know I'm not a moron...or a wussy. I'm just biding my time before the ultimate payback against those assholes. Also, I'm trying to figure out a way to do it without screwing up my pay raise.

February 19, 2002

Dear Journal,

Did you know that Tom Cruise is a Scientologist? I've decided I hate all cults because of all that crap that happened to me. How stupid can you get to just join a cult started by some science fiction writer? I don't care how powerful they are, I'm thinking about attending one of their meetings and then destroying them eventually. Let's see how THEY like it. Bastards.

February 22, 2002

Dear Journal,

I know I've never discussed my feelings about God, so this seems as good of a time as any. Okay, maybe not.

February 23, 2002

Dear Journal,

You're never going to guess what happened to me yesterday. I was asked to bring a food item for the office potluck. Usually, I'm just assigned napkins, but I begged them to let me cook something this time because I'm really trying to impress Kim Soo from shipping. At first, the secretary, who happens to be a total bitch, told me to just concentrate on getting the napkins but then I, as always, asked myself what Tony Danza would do in this situation. I decided to hold my ground and not take any guff and she finally gave me the green light (that's screenwriter talk for yes) I'm thinking about making my famous bourbon chicken recipe. Boy I love bourbon chicken. I know what your thinking but I DON'T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM. I only use a small amount of bourbon for flavoring. It's not supposed to get you drunk. Plus I really don't want to waste all my bourbon on those assholes at work.

February 24, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today is Sunday and I've set aside this day to make bourbon chicken for the company potluck and work on my screenplay. Since it is Sunday and God says your supposed to rest on Sunday, I won't work that hard. Plus I won't masturbate. Rolanda the janitor told me that was a sin. She's some kind of religious nutcase.

February 26, 2002

Dear Journal,

It's Monday and tomorrow is the company potluck. I'm very excited that I've actually been given the responsibility of making a dish this year. I hope Kim Soo likes bourbon chicken. She's been so hard to please lately if you know what I mean. Wink wink. That's more sextalk, dumbass. Speaking of which, I've been thinking there needs to be some juicy sex scenes in the book and/or screenplay I've been working on. What do you think? That part will be really fun to write.

February 27, 2002

Dear Journal,

I fucked up and left the bourbon chicken sitting on the window sill since yesterday morning. I don't think you're supposed to leave chicken out of the refrigerator for longer than 17 hours. I think that's the general rule. The potluck is today so I'm not sure what to do. I might have time to make another batch but that would require wasting more bourbon. What would Tony Danza do?

February 28, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay I've got good news and bad news. First, the office party was lots of fun. I funked it up bigtime with some of the dance moves I've been practicing. Kim Soo even looked in my direction twice. Though I'm still not sure she was looking at me because of her lazy eye. Now, here's the bad news: I'm home from work because I managed to get everyone sick with my chicken dish which apparently was loaded with some kind of deadly bacteria. Don't worry, I didn't get in trouble. I blamed it on one of the janitors who I happened to notice not washing his hands after he went to the bathroom. When I told the senior VP, he made a comment about unclean immigrants and thanked me for telling him. He said I might even get that promotion I was hoping for! Oh, then he fired the janitor on the spot. I did feel badly about that, especially after the janitor told me I would not live through the week. He said this in Spanish, of course, but I looked it up in my Spanish-English dictionary when I got home. It's not my fault he doesn't wash his hands. Sheesh.

March 1, 2002

Dear Journal,

I'm still home from work, not because I'm sick. I didn't have any of the chicken, thank God. No, I'm just faking an illness because I'm scared that when I leave my apartment that janitor is going to kill me. Plus, I really want to spend the day working on my book and/or screenplay I've been talking about for a long time now. Nothing is going to distract me this time. Not the phone or the comfy chair or the bottle of bourbon sitting on my nightstand. Nope, I'm going to start that book and/or screenplay today and that's it. I'm not going to watch TV either. Not even "Who's the Boss," which as you may know, plays twice a day on channel 4. I love that show and not just because I want to have sex with Mona. Okay, yes it is, but I also want to have sex with Angela and Samantha too. And you must know by now that Tony Danza is my favorite actor in the whole world. Nope I'm not going to watch. I've got important work to do. Ooh look, a scab on my finger.

March 3, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry, I got distracted by that scab yesterday. I picked it mostly off so now I can concentrate on my book and/or screenplay without any distractions. Oh shit, today is Sunday again and you know that God doesn't like people working on Sunday. Or masturbating. I hate Sundays.

March 5, 2002

Dear Journal,

I drove around the block a bunch of times before I came home because I'm pretty sure there's a crazy Mexican janitor trying to kill me. Work is getting better even though it's now tax season so I'm very busy. Also, people are starting to get released from the hospital after eating my rancid chicken. That's good news. I heard that Phil from collections got really really sick and hasn't left the toilet in days. That makes me really happy. He's a real bastard. I'm thinking of making him the villain in my book and/or screenplay. That's called an "antagonist." It's supposed to be someone that the main character, called the protagonist, has to battle with. Isn't it exciting how much I've learned about writing? I'm exactly like Mark Twain, except I'm alive and haven't written anything yet.

March 7, 2002

Dear Journal,

I've got more bad news. I just heard that Kim Soo has been sick in the hospital since last week and it's MY FAULT. If it wasn't for my chicken and the fact that I was too drunk to remember to put it the refrigerator, then she wouldn't be sick. I need to do something, but what? I'm not a doctor. I'm just an accountant who has failed his CPA test six times. I feel so helpless. I need to go to the hospital immediately and give her comfort --Ooh look, Michael Landon's Biography on A&E. I'll go to the hospital in an hour. She's probably sleeping anyway.

March 10, 2002

Dear Journal,

You know when you know you're really, truly in love? Of course you don't, you're just a stupid journal. Sorry, I didn't mean that but let's face it, you don't even have a penis. Anyway, I've been going to the hospital and seeing Kim Soo the last couple of days. And she's really disgusting and stinky and all disgusting. I don't think she's showered in a week and her skin is even yellower than usual. And guess what? I still want to have sex with her! That's true love for sure.

March 11, 2001

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting in the hospital room staring at Kim Soo. She's still hopped up on drugs and other stuff because of all the deadly chicken bacteria in her stomach. I feel like all this is somehow my fault. If I had just refrigerated that chicken. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

March 12, 2002

Dear Journal,

I can't wait until Kim Soo is coherent enough to recognize me. When she realizes that I've been visiting her every single day, she'll be sure to fall in love with me. Maybe in a few years I'll tell her I was the one that caused the deadly bacteria that's been growing in her body. I'm sure by then we'll have a good laugh about it. Meanwhile I'll continue to blame the janitor.

March 13, 2002

Dear Journal,

This has been a pretty crummy day. I'm not allowed to visit with Kim Soo anymore in the hospital because I'm not family. That bastard Phil from collections showed up and had the hospital staff kick me out. Then, a little while ago, that crazy janitor who got fired tried to run me over when I went to take out the garbage. Luckily I managed to jump out of the way just in time. Maybe if I got run over I would get to share a hospital room with Kim Soo. Then when I woke up she'd take care of me. Wouldn't that be cool?

March 14, 2002

Dear Journal,

I just found out that Kim Soo is doing a lot better and will probably be back at work next week. This is very exciting news. I hope she appreciates how worried I've been about her illness. Things here at work are bad as usual. It's tax season so I have to stay late and file all these forms. I'm really worried about the book and/or screenplay because finding the time to work on it is going to be really hard. I'm also worried about the crazy janitor who wants to kill me. He wrote "Diablo" in blood on my door. I wonder whose blood it was.

March 15, 2002

Dear Journal,

Phil from collections is one rat bastard, that's for sure. He told me to stay away from Kim Soo and that she didn't want anything to do with me. He tried to convince me that it was Kim Soo's idea to get me to seal myself in that Y2K bunker which is totally ridiculous. Everyone knows that she would have stayed in the bunker too but she had to run to the grocery store to get Altoids. Then Phil said that him and Kim Soo were in love and if I didn't leave her alone, he would get me fired. He tried to say that with all this violence going on around the world, that I should think about spending another couple of years in that Y2K bunker. Does he think I'm a total idiot? I'm not falling for that trick twice.

March 18, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay, it's almost midnight and someone is banging on my door. I'm thinking it's that janitor that I blamed for poisoning everyone in my office. Should I answer it? I'm thinking no on that. I'm a bit worried he's going to wake up some of my neighbors, which I'll definitely hear about. Hang on let me turn off all the lights.

Hi. I'm back. I turned off all the lights but now he's yelling through the door that he knows I'm in here. I think turning off the lights may have tipped him off. I figured he'd just assume they were on a timer. Uh oh, he said he's going back to his car to get a pickax. He, of course, said this in Spanish, but as you know, I keep that Spanish-English dictionary handy for moments like these. Who the hell carries a pickax in their car? Wacko!

March 19, 2002

Dear Journal,

It's very early in the morning and I haven't gotten much sleep because of all the noise outside. That angry janitor fella was sure determined to break down my door. I've always noticed how hard working our Hispanic American friends are, but this incident has really driven that point home. It's been a few minutes since I heard any banging or threats, so I wonder if he left. By the way, I think he was bluffing about the pickax. I was really scared for a second.

I really need to leave for work but I'm worried about being stabbed. What would Tony Danza do?

March 20, 2002

Dear Journal,

You'll be happy to know that when I went outside, the angry janitor was sleeping right outside my door. It was kinda cute. He looked just like a little baby all curled up with that bowie knife clenched in his hand. I decided to put a blanket over him, since it's about 30 degrees outside.

I'm at work, typing this right now. I've got so much paperwork to catch up on, but I can't help thinking about that shivering homicidal maniac sleeping on my porch. I've also been thinking a lot about Kim Soo (as usual) I just saw her talking to that bastard, Phil (from collections). I really need to do something soon that will impress her, like finishing that book and/or screenplay I've been writing. I'd really like to have it done so I can attend next years Oscars. Maybe I'll call in sick and work on it.

March 21, 2002

Dear Journal,

I came home from work yesterday and there was a "thank you" note from the angry janitor for giving him a blanket. He also left a box of chocolates. I almost ate some before I realized it could be a trick. After all, this guy wants me dead and I am somewhat responsible for getting him fired. So I just ate one or two of the chocolates and I'm waiting to see if it's poison before I eat the rest. Even if I don't die from poisoned chocolate, I've decided to call in sick tomorrow to work on my book and/or screenplay. I need to get started writing!

March 22, 2002

Dear Journal,

You'll be happy to know that I called in sick and I've set this entire day to work on that book and/or screenplay. I haven't missed any work since that whole "2 years in a Y2K shelter" thing so I don't think my boss will be too upset. It is tax season, however, and I'm an important cog in the machinery of business...stuff. Boy, that was a pretty good sentence, huh. I'll make sure to include it. I've decided I will definitely ask Kim Soo to be my date to the Oscars. I'm thinking if I win an award, more than a billion people will see me. Maybe I should announce that Phil (from collections) is a homosexual. I saw that in a movie once.

Okay, getting started now. Where did we last leave off?

March 26, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry, I know it's been awhile since I've written but as you know, it's the middle of tax season and I barely have time to work on the book and/or screenplay let alone this journal. Normally, I'd be planning the destruction of Phil from collections but he's actually been pretty nice to me this week. He told me about a contest our company is having for the best Easter costume, so I've been working pretty hard on that too. Did you happen to catch the Oscars? That was a joke. I'm thinking next year I'll be sitting next to Andie McDowell if I could just get through this screenplay done. I didn't realize it would take this long.

March 29, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay, it turns out I'm the only one at work in an Easter costume. When that bastard Phil from collections saw me he just burst out laughing. I'm thinking it was just a joke all along. I'd be much more angry but I just found out Kim Soo will be back at work on Monday! I have to admit I'm pretty excited. Should I buy her a card or some flowers welcoming her back? I wonder if she realizes it was me that lovingly replaced her catheter. By the way, I just bought a case of Cadbury Eggs, so I guess I'm staying home this weekend.

March 30, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today is Saturday and I set aside this day to work on my book and/or screenplay and also to pray for world peace as it appears there's some more trouble in those foreign countries I keep hearing about in between reruns of "Who's the Boss." I'm not sure what I, as an accountant, can do about it but I'd sure like to do something. Maybe some kind of big march like that Million Man March in Washington a few years ago. I could get everyone involved and really do something productive for society. That would get me laid for sure because you know how much women love activists. Hang on, that's the doorbell.

March 31, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry about leaving yesterday. That was the homicidal janitor who just wanted to thank me again for covering him with a blanket. He apologized for threatening me and I told him I was sorry I got him fired by telling the boss he didn't wash his hands after he went to the bathroom. Actually, that's not true. What I really told him was that Phil from collections was responsible for getting him fired. I'm pretty smart that way, huh. It's all part of my strategy to destroy him and then steal Kim Soo. Did I mention she's coming back to work on Monday. Unfortunately, I can't give her any of the Cadbury Eggs I bought because I finished the case.

April 1, 2002

Dear Journal,

I'll be back to tell you everything that's going on in my life after tax day. That's April 15th in case you didn't know which you probably don't because you're just a fucking journal. Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out. My boss just yelled at me and then wrote me up for wearing my Easter costume to work the other day. More later.

April 2, 2002

Dear Journal,

I know I told you I wouldn't be back until after tax season, but I can't help it. Yesterday, Kim Soo came back from work and also, the boss sent out a memo about employees no longer allowed to wear religious costumes to work. Everyone in the office stared at me and even Rolanda called me a dumb bastard. She said this in Spanish, of course, so I had to look it up. Anyway, it sucks that Kim Soo didn't get to see my Easter costume because it would show her that I know how to sew and I think girls really like when men have hobbies in addition to drinking. My costume turned out great even though I ended up renting it from a costume store and that cost me $50, but I'm sure I would have told Kim Soo I made it myself anyway. Now I really want to talk about Kim Soo, which is why I'm sitting here writing in my journal and not working on finishing our taxes but I have to run right now. BRB.

April 4, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry, I went away before I could tell you about Kim Soo. She came back from the hospital and everyone at the office threw a big party for her. I think it was probably great but nobody mentioned it to me and they had it at some undisclosed location. I think the invitation got lost in the mail but I did manage to talk to her for awhile in the parking lot. Actually, I'm not sure if she heard me because she was in her car and she said the window was stuck and she couldn't roll it down, so I had to sort of shout before she drove off.

April 6, 2002

Dear Journal,

I've been thinking more and more about this war business going on around the world. Normally, I don't care much about things that don't really affect me directly, but in this case, I think that some kind of peace rally might be a great idea. Remember the scene in the movie Forrest Gump where there were all those people gathered in Washington and then Forrest, played by the wonderfully talented Mr. Tom Hanks, got up there and made a speech, but then the microphone circuits were pulled by some people and nobody could hear him? Okay, I totally lost my train of thought and have no idea where I was going with that.

April 8, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay, I have some big news. I finally got to talk to Kim Soo today. After I waited outside the ladies restroom for what seemed like hours, she finally came out. I made a joke that she must have eaten the sloppy joes in the cafeteria for lunch, but she said she cooks her own lunch. So then I politely explained the American tradition of the courtesy flush when using the company restroom, because I've gotten at least 3 memos on this very subject and I wouldn't want her to get written up for it too. She looked at me the same way that janitor looked at me after I got him fired for not washing his hands at the company potluck. I sure hope I didn't blow it because, to be honest, I think I'm in love with her. And not just because she's a hot piece of Asian ass and I have have some kind of weird fetish. Okay, maybe that's part of it, but she also cooks her own lunch!

April 10, 2002

Dear Journal,

I finally remembered why I began that story about Forrest Gump. There was this huge rally in Washington D.C. for some peace thing awhile back and it reminded me of the thing I wanted to start on my own. I think that if I organized a big peace rally that Kim Soo might be impressed. Also I think that might be a great scene in my book and/or screenplay. I really should decide at this point which I should write. I'm leaning towards the screenplay because I'm thinking if Tom Hanks has experience doing the peace rally thing, he might be up for my movie since he wouldn't have to practice much. SCREENPLAY IT IS! Boy, that's a load off my shoulders. Now I can really get moving on it.

April 12, 2002

Dear Journal,

This peace rally idea is really starting to gather steam. I told a couple people at work about it and they said they might go if it was within walking distance and I supplied lunch and they could get out of work. I feel just like John Lennon, except I'm not British or dead. Gotta run.

April 14, 2002

Dear Journal,

Since it's Sunday and God says you shouldn't work or masturbate, I can't work on the screenplay. So I think I'm gonna spend the day trying to come up with a name for my peace rally. What do you think of "The Million Bob March?" Or what about A Million Accounts Payable People for World Peace. I'd really like to include the Asian contingent so Kim Soo can attend, so how about "Accountants and Asians Against War?"

April 15, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today is tax day and I managed to save the company even more money than I did last year. This should get me that promotion for sure since I've been working 70 hours a week for the last two months without even getting paid overtime. I think everyone here knows how important my job is and if it weren't for me, this company would probably shut down. So tonight I'm celebrating with the janitor who wanted to kill me a few weeks ago. He said he'd bring over a bottle of real Mexican Tequila and that I should eat the worm afterwards. I sure hope he wasn't referring to his penis. I need to check that Spanish-English dictionary ASAP.

April 16, 2002

Dear Journal,

It's morning and I'm still drunk from my tequila party with the janitor last night. I ate the worm and you'll be happy to know it had nothing to do with the janitor's penis. Boy was I relieved. I'm about to go into work right now so I have to run.

April 18, 2002

Dear Journal,

It's really nice to have some free time at work again. I feel really good about things because now that tax season is mostly over, I can concentrated on my screenplay as well as the peace rally that I'm planning. I am a bit worried that I'm spreading myself too thin. If I start dating Kim Soo, then I'm probably not going to have time to do both a screenplay and a huge peace rally in Washington.

April 20, 2002

Dear Journal,

I just read that Tony Danza has an all new one man show and it's going on tour. He's also releasing an album that features a famous song by Frank Sinatra. As far as I'm concerned, Frank Sinatra is a total hack compared to Tony Danza. Tony, while embracing his Italian roots and the Brooklyn neighborhood from which he came, in no way has affiliations with organized crime like that Sinatra guy. Also Tony has a full head of hair.

April 22, 2002

Dear Journal,

It has come to my attention that those guys who put up the Bob From Accounting website are back at it again, even though I threatened to hire my lawyer cousin and sue their punk asses. Someone at work told me about it, but I can't check because my boss took away my Internet connection. I'm not kidding about suing them. I will sue them if I find out it's true. Then I'll take their money and go see Tony Danza.

April 23, 2002

Dear Journal,

It just occurred to me that if Tony Danza was ever affiliated with the mob, I would probably approach him at one of his concerts and ask him if he knows anyone that would agree to break the legs of the guys from the Bob From Accounting website. I think that's a pretty good idea.

April 26, 2002

Dear Journal,

Just went to the store and bought a bottle of bourbon, but I decided I'm only going to have one drink because I've set aside this evening to work on my screenplay.

April 30, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry, I know it's been a few days but there was a sale at the liquor store. I have some big news I want to tell you about Kim Soo before I begin writing. Be right back.

May 3, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today marks the official end of tax season. Instead of being ignored until next winter like usual, I was fired! Can you believe this? I'm going to calmly acknowledge that after 15 years at Septicorps, they tossed me out like last week's rancid tuna sandwiches in the cafeteria .(Note to self: Try to incorporate previous sentence into screenplay) The senior VP said it was because of the economy and lower earnings and perhaps that they would rethink their decision in the future if things change. I'm not stupid. I know very well why I was fired -- that punk-ass Phil from collections was jealous that Kim Soo was starting to really fall for me. That bastard probably got me fired on purpose! Also, everyone knows the white establishment has always tried to keep creative, rebellious types like myself in line. Now I know how Spike Lee feels.

May 4, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today is Saturday. I woke up this morning and almost thought it was a weekday and I had to get up for work. Then I realized it was the weekend and I don't actually have a job anymore. My first thought was to kill myself because it might make those assholes who got me fired feel like shit and they'd have to live with the guilt for the rest of their lives, but that probably wouldn't help get me my job back, so forget it. I'm not going to let them have the satisfaction of knowing they've completely killed my spirit. I guess I probably shouldn't have sent them that note that told them they've completely killed my spirit. Anyway, It's early in the morning as I write this and the liquor store doesn't open until 9, which is ridiculous because I always buy my liquor in the morning.

May 5, 2002

Dear Journal,

Today is Sunday and since I'm too hung over to work on my screenplay or go to church, I will instead stay here and contemplate God and how he's fucked me over once again. Totally fucked me over. Thanks.

May 6, 2002

Dear Journal,

It's Monday morning and as you can see, I'm not rushing to get to Septicorp for work. Instead, I woke up in a pile of urine. Thanks God. You're really terrific. I can't wait to see what else you have planned for me.

May 7, 2002

Dear Journal,

I woke up this morning and for some reason, I feel different. I have a new take on life. I realized that getting fired from Septicorp could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. There's so much in the world I haven't experience and I know this will be probably the most exciting time of my life. I'll embrace the uncertainty. After 15 years I can finally leave the corporate world and find my true calling. I can do anything I want in the whole world and I will never again worry about forgetting to bring napkins to the company potluck. I laugh at those bastards like Phil from collections who will spend the rest of his life working for The Man. I can travel, I can see the world, I can ride the rails like a depression-era hobo. Who am I kidding? This sucks.

May 9, 2002

Dear Journal,

Actually, I woke up again today and had another, new take on life. This one seems to be going a little better. Yep, riding the rails like a depression-era hobo. Nobody to ever tell me what to do ever again. I can finally stop to smell the roses. I'm going to find me a garden right now and smell the roses. This is fantastic. I'm not even having second thoughts. I'm still excited about smelling the roses! I'm leaving right now to go find a garden! I can't wait.

May 10, 2002

Dear Journal,

I just got home from the hospital. Just for the record, the doctors counted 627 bee stings. I'm never smelling another rose for as long as I live. Man, my nose really hurts. Seriously. This sucks and so do you, God.

May 12, 2002

Dear Journal,

I'm starting to feel better and the swelling has gone down slightly. I still can't smell anything, which is probably a good thing since I haven't showered in a week. I'm starting to think about all the benefits of being out of work and about doing all those things I've been putting off for so long. Hang on, that's the doorbell.

May 13, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry about leaving so suddenly yesterday, but that was my new friend the janitor. He's a really great guy and brought over a bottle of homemade liquor because of all the pain I'm still in from the bee incident. He told me how bad he felt about me getting fired even though I got him fired earlier and I probably deserved it just like I deserved getting stung by all those bees. What a good friend he's become. I really wish I could remember his name.

May 15, 2002

Dear Journal,

While the nurses were pulling the 432 stingers out of my face last week, I had one of those epiphanies. You know, the sort of "light bulb kind of moment Albert Einstein had right before he discovered electricity. I realize now that I've been a total idiot and I should be happy I got fired from Septicorp. Other than the brain swelling, which is normal after being injected with the venom of hundreds of Africanized bees, I still have my health. I'm totally free from the constraints of work and now I can do anything I want, like working on my screenplay or dating or riding a freight train across the country like one of those hobos. This is going to be the greatest summer of my life!

May 18, 2002

Dear Journal,

You are not going to believe this, but Kim Soo called me. I know this sounds incredible, but it wasn't really our best conversation. After I drove around and followed her home after she left work, I matched up her address with her name in the phone book (there were several hundred Soo's). I decided I was going to call her but I chickened out at the last second after I heard her voice. Then, a just a minute later, someone called me back and it sounded just like Kim Soo. She said, "who is this? who is this?" I had to think really quick and told her it was her secret admirer and that I've been watching her -- but that she shouldn't be scared because I wouldn't kill her or anything. She screamed something and hung up on me. Apparently, she said some really bad words in her native language. Since I don't have an Oriental-English dictionary, I decided to look it up in my Spanish-English dictionary. Turns out motherfucker is exactly the same in both languages. I'm thinking about killing myself again.

May 19, 2002

Dear Journal,

It occurred to me that Tony Danza would never kill himself. When he was a young boxer from Brooklyn and his career was going nowhere, he got really depressed and drank a lot, just like I'm doing, but he never killed himself. He got acting lessons and became America's most beloved male housekeeper/song and dance man.

May 26, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry for my absence. You are probably thinking that I ran off and forgot about you and took acting lessons so I too could become America's most beloved song and dance man, but I'm not an idiot. Just because it worked for Tony Danza doesn't mean it would work for me. Besides, I never said I would write a journal entry every single day. So get off my fucking case!

May 27, 2002

Dear Journal,

Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just a little tired and cranky. The reason I've been gone is that I spent a week walking around town to see what it really would be like to be a hobo in preparation for when I hitch a ride on a freight train. I didn't shower and I drank bourbon straight out of the bottle and then I made friends with a couple of other hobos who were great and became my closest friends. It was amazing how we really looked out for each other and it became like a family. Nobody cared that I smelled bad, because they smelled just as bad or maybe worse. And just like how some families fight but they really love each other, I'm not mad that they stole my money and my shoes after I passed out in the alleyway. I would have probably done the same thing to them if I had the chance. I really feel like I understand homeless people better. I feel so alive!

May 28, 2002

Dear Journal,

I woke up this morning and after I vomited, I started to read the newspaper classifieds to find myself another great accounting job. I totally forgot that I'm a screenwriter now and not an accountant. Old habits die hard, don't they? I gotta run in a sec, I'm going to the music store to buy myself a harmonica.

May 29, 2002

Dear Journal,

I'm feeling worried again. I started thinking that maybe I shouldn't do that hobo thing on the freight train. It sounds pretty rash and I'm having second thoughts about it. What will I do with my luggage? How will I eat? What if the train doesn't make stops in interesting parts of the country? What if the other hobos laugh at me when I try to play the harmonica. I can't even read sheet music.

June 1, 2002

Dear Journal,

I woke up this morning and after vomiting and then hitting my head on the toilet I found that I have ANOTHER, new lease on life. This one is even better than the last two. I'm not going to worry about what people will think about me or the fact that Kim Soo won't accept my phone calls even when I disguise my voice. I'm going to Hollywood and I'm going to sell my screenplay! And while I'm there, I'm going to kick the shit out of the website editors who keep posting my journal on the Internet and then I'm going to burn down the Church of Scientology because of my strong hatred for celebrity cults. I have to run now. I have a haircut appointment in a half hour. Joy joy joy!

June 2, 2002

Dear Journal,

My haircut looks really gay and I'm not happy about that. But I still have my new lease on life and as long as the other hobos on the freight train don't tease me about it, then I'll be alright. I'm packing my bags right now. I'm leaving tomorrow at the crack of dawn.

June 3, 2002

Dear Journal,

I overslept this morning because that janitor friend came over last night with another bottle of homemade tequila and wanted to send me off with a bang. Even though it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon, I still think I should leave today. I'm very excited but this seems a bit irresponsible and I'm pretty nervous. If only Kim Soo and Phil from collections could see me now. I mean once I get dressed. Okay, journal, I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm not sure how much I will be able to write while I'm traveling. I'll do my best to write daily, but I'll be having all those important Hollywood meetings, so maybe we'll do lunch. HA! That was some Hollywood humor. Talk to you soon!

June 4, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay, I'm back. Turns out it's not that easy to ride a freight train. First of all, they move really fast. After waiting around all day, I was able to finally find one that slowed down and it even had an open door. But then a group of hobos threatened to beat the crap out of me if I didn't hand over my new leather toiletries bag. Then they stole all my food and my clothes and even my harmonica. I think I'm going to take an airplane which seems must easier and quicker. I'm checking Priceline right now. Talk to you soon.

June 5, 2002

Dear Journal,

I know you're not going to believe this, but I ACTUALLY GOT my plane ticket and I'm leaving for Hollywood in two days!!! This is much better than riding a freight train with hobos, even though riding on the train would have been much cheaper. I'm so excited but I can't waste this important time telling you how excited I am because I need to say goodbye to Kim Soo and my new janitor friend and make sure I don't leave the toaster on and burn down my building like I did last time I was away. That reminds me, I need to get a new toiletries bag because those hobos stole my brand new one. I hope the hobos in California are nicer than the ones out there. I have so much to do so I can't waste my time writing or drinking. I gotta run!

June 6, 2002

Dear Journal,

I know I promised I wouldn't drink before I left, but my janitor friend came over to say goodbye to me again. We had a little late night bender and this time we made margaritas and talked about girls we like and all that fun, guy stuff. I got so drunk I called Kim Soo. I wasn't even nervous. Unfortunately, her father wouldn't let me talk to her because it was 3 in the morning. I can't believe she still lives with her parents! How weird is that?? Anyway, I told her father that I was leaving for my vacation to Hollywood and that he should tell Kim Soo to expect some great souvenirs when I return. I managed to say all that in Chinese because it turns out that my janitor friend spends a whole lot of time at Asian massage parlors and he could speak the language pretty well. The janitor told me when I go to California I should try and find an Asian massage parlor. He said be sure to ask for the "happy ending." I love happy endings!

June 7, 2002

Dear Journal,

Don't get upset with me but I missed my flight. I'm at the airport right now and there is some kind security breach going on while everyone waits. Apparently they're looking for some nutcase who managed to get by security with some kind of weapons. I'm sure glad they didn't stop me and check my toiletries bag because I didn't realize until about a minute ago I packed nail clippers, a beard trimmer, tweezers, wire cutters, a flask of grain alcohol and four steak knives. I know I overpacked and those items aren't really allowed but I wanted to be ready for everything. I wish we could go already. Sheesh!

June 8, 2002

Dear Journal,

Here I am in seat 17C on the airplane to Hollywood. I'm so excited I can hardly sit still. Luckily, there's this really nice woman who's sitting next to me and she's been really great to talk to. I told her about my screenplay and she told me she works in accounts receivable for the Disney Corporation. I haven't even arrived in California and I'm already making contacts! She asked me if maybe she could read my script, but I've been told that people like to steal ideas from writers such as myself, so I told her to mind her own fucking business. I know it was a bit harsh, but I've been drunk since we passed over Kansas.

June 10, 2002

Dear Journal,

I'm finally in Hollywood and to be honest, I'm feeling pretty exhausted. I didn't think I was going to have such a problem finding a hotel at a reasonable rate so I've been sort of walking around with my suitcase since yesterday. It's like 100 degrees out here and nobody seems to speak English. Then I got lost on the subway and ended up in a not so nice area, but I did manage to stock up on malt liquer. Unfortunately, 40 ounce bottles of malt liquer are really heavy and I'm covered in sweat. I'm thinking now that I really should have found a place to sleep before I bought liquer. Oh well.

June 11, 2002

Dear Journal,

I need to be really productive while I'm here so I made a list of things I need to do. First, meet Tony Danza. I think the movie stuff will fall in place after he introduces me to his agent and all his friends. Then, I need to destroy the Church of Scientology because of my strong hatred of celebrity cults. Finally, I have to kick the shit out of the punk ass website people that keep posting my journal on the internet.

June 12, 2002

Dear Journal,

I finally found a cheap place to stay in Hollywood. It's the cutest little youth hostel right next to the famous Mann's Chinese Theater. It's sort of like a bed and breakfast, except with homeless people. I can tell already it's just like a big family because everyone on my floor shares the same toilet. My bunkmate is named Ziggy and he's a young musician that ran away from home and moved out here to be famous. I told him all about my plans and told him I probably could help him once I meet Tony Danza because Tony has just recorded a brand new single and most certainly has contacts in the record industry. At first he didn't believe I knew Tony, but then I showed him the letter from his attorneys and now he wants to meet him too. Gotta run now, I'm going to clean the urine off Tony's star while Ziggy gets his scrotum pierced. I'm so bohemian!

June 13, 2002

Dear Journal,

Wow, what an experience this has been so far. Wiping the urine off Tony Danza's Hollywood star was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences one can only dream of. Hollywood Boulevard is one of those places where everyone is friendly and not in that phony Midwestern way where they look down on you and make fun of you at the water cooler. I met a really nice girl named Paprika who even asked me if I wanted to have a date. Even though it turned out she was just a hooker, she's really good company. She's just like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" except she's missing teeth and she's addicted to crack. But otherwise, she's exactly the same. It's uncanny. I gotta go right now, she's giving me a lapdance and this journal is getting in the way.

June 15, 2002

Dear Journal,

Bad news. Remember how I told you about my new hooker friend Paprika? Well, last night I was feeling kind of like Richard Gere in "Pretty Woman" and I decided that instead of having sex with Paprika that we would just talk and get to know each other and I could then introduce her to culture and try and convince her to mend her ways. We were having a great time - I took her out to an expensive restaurant and then we went to a museum and she seemed really interested but then we got back to my place and she gave me a bill for $2000 for all those hours we spent together. I thought she was bluffing because in Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts didn't end up taking the money but this girl is a fucking bitch. That movie really sucked!

June 16, 2002

Dear Journal,

I've already gone through all my traveler's checks and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't go home because I haven't even burned down the Church of Scientology yet and what would everyone at home say. I need to find that crack whore and get back that money, or maybe I could just take more money out from the ATM machine.

June 17, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay, my bunkmate Ziggy and I went to go find Paprika. We finally found her and I think she was happy to see me. After Ziggy had sex with her, we all went out and played miniature golf and had a great time. I know that seems like a weird thing to do with a Los Angeles prostitute but it turns out that prostitutes like golf just like regular people. Did I mention that Paprika is an aspiring actress? So far the only acting she's done is a walk-on role in a gangbang video. I think that Ziggy, Paprika and I are becoming really good friends and it's so nice because I'm a writer and she's an actress and he's a musician and singer so maybe we'll all end up working together one day. Ziggy and I discussed it and we're letting Paprika sleep in our room at the hostel as long as she's not too noisy.

June 20, 2002

Dear Journal,

This morning Ziggy and I decided to tell Paprika about our plans to meet Tony Danza to help get our careers off the ground. At first Paprika wasn't paying much attention to us since she was in the middle of having sex with a client, but then when I explained that Tony has all kinds of Hollywood connections and he could probably help ALL of us, she suddenly stopped having sex and listened. She asked if we thought Tony could give her new teeth and I told her that he's very weathly from his "Who's the Boss" residuals and I bet he would do that to help a fellow performer. So now Paprika's coming with us. We're all so excited we can barely sleep!

June 21, 2002

Dear Journal,

I woke up this morning and the first thing that came into my mind was Kim Soo. I wonder what she's doing right now? I wonder if she's thinking about what I'm doing. No matter what she comes up with, I bet she's not imagining me sleeping in a hostel next to a rock musician and a crack whore. That would be really spooky. I'm writing in my journal quietly because Ziggy and Paprika are sleeping and I don't want to disturb them. Although what the hell should I care if I disturb them, they kept me up all night with their grunting. I'm not jealous. I don't want to cheat on Kim Soo so no matter what, I'm not going to have sex with Paprika. Not all men cheat even though women often think that.

June 22, 2002

Dear Journal,

Okay, I had sex with Paprika, the crack whore. I'm not going to get into all the details but let's just say that it was a very special moment even though I think we're just going to be friends instead of that whole "Pretty Woman" kind of romance. I wonder if Richard Gere's balls itched after he had sex with Julia Roberts. Note to self: buy (more) talcum powder.

June 24, 2002

Dear Journal,

I've been having a whole lot of problems trying to contact Tony Danza. For some reason his manager and agent still won't return my calls. I even disguised my voice as his former "Who's the Boss" costar Judith Light but that didn't work either. Right now I'm sitting here writing in my journal parked outside his favorite Italian restaurant, which I read about in People Magazine a few weeks ago. So far, no sign of him. I really wish this rental car had air conditioning because it's as hot as a bitch out here. I'm feeling a bit dizzy and lightheaded but not in a happy, drunk kind of way. Now I know how babies feel when parents or babysitters forget and leave them locked in a hot car. I'm definitely not going to do that again. Man, my balls are still really itchy.

June 26, 2002

Dear Journal,

Still no luck finding Tony. I waited and waited in the car but he never showed up. I was really depressed and as soon as I finished the rest of the bourbon, I headed back to the hostel for a much-needed shower and change of clothes. Turns out Paprika and Ziggy had been really worried about me and thought I was dead. They were having sex but they stopped for awhile to tell me how glad they were to see me. I told them I'm going to have a productive day and either work on my screenplay today or burn down the Church of Scientology.

June 27, 2002

Dear Journal,

I was about to burn down the Church of Scientology today but then I had a brilliant idea. Okay, it really wasn't my idea, it was Paprika's. She's really smart for a crack whore. She told me that instead of burning down the church, I should go inside and flash a wad of bills and say I'm a lost soul who needs guidance that only a dead science fiction writer and his church could give me. Then, later at one of the many Scientology functions where all the celebrities like Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley hang out, I could casually ask them for Tony Danza's home phone number since most celebrities seem to know each other. Ziggy warned me about Scientology and told me I might get ucked in and brainwashed but I happen to know I'm way too mentally strong to get conned by a bunch of idiots.

June 28, 2002

Dear Journal,

That Scientology place is really interesting. Everyone was really nice to me and they didn't try and brainwash me at all. They just gave me a few books by L. Ron Hubbard and insisted I read them by next week and then later, if I passed a couple of tests, I'd be invited to all those great Scientology parties. I told them I didn't really like to read a whole lot so they ended up giving me some audio books that I could play while I'm sleeping. This is going to be so easy!

July 1, 2002

Dear Journal,

Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. I just stubbed my toe. Ow, ow, ow, ow. That really hurts. Dammit. I can't believe I just stubbed my toe. I'm seriously in a lot of pain right and I'm assuming I would be in even more pain if I wasn't drunk right now. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Dammit! This sucks. I'll write more later once I find a bandaid.