THE BOB DIARY

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

January 1, 1999

Dear Journal,

Ah what a glorious year! It’s 1999 and I can’t believe in just 365 more days it will be another new year. But alas, I have purchased this new leatherette diary and it will soon become my best friend I am certain of that! Ah yes, my beloved journal where I will share with you all my most secretest thoughts and desires. I will begin writing that screenplay and will need your advice every so often. So I will first begin with some interesting ideas that I’m sure would make a great movie. I shall begin now, glorious diary (I mean journal – ha ha!) We’re already off to such a great start and a great, fabulous new year.

January 2, 1999

Dear Journal,

Okay, I just left for a little while because I was hungry. But now I’m back and here to fill this journal with all my thoughts and those nifty nuggets of movie ideas that have been wanting an escape for so long. Did you know I’m an accountant? Of course you didn’t, because I never told you that. I bet you’re surprised to hear that because of all my creativity and because of my writing but I am. Okay, I’m not here to tell you about my accounting because you are here for all my secret thoughts and ideas for my movie. Okay, so here goes nothing! I'm going to start writing now. Let me just get a snack.

January 7, 1999

Dear Journal,

I’m back dear journal. Sorry about that lapse. What a year it shall be! I will use this beautiful journal that I bought at the Hallmark store for nothing but all my wonderful thoughts and ideas. I will tell you everything, journal. And I can’t wait to get started. My brain is just bursting with all the ideas, swarming like…filling my head like…butterflies. That was a pretty sentence, don’t you think, journal? But I know I don’t have to impress you with all those fancy, schmancy words I plan to use here. Because you don’t care about stuff like that. So here I go. I’m just so excited by all the possibilities.

Hey, I just thought of something. Maybe someday this journal will get published, like that girl with the diary. The one where she lives with her family in the attic hiding from the Nazis. They were so happy together as she was writing in her diary, just as I am writing to you right now. We are kindred souls – me and that girl – I can’t recall her name, but the one with the diary. I remember she wasn’t really attractive and when I saw the movie I distinctly remember not wanting to have sex with her. But my diary (I mean journal, ha ha) is just like hers and she is so famous now. Maybe I can be as lucky as her. With your help I will, dear journal!

March 14, 1999

Dear Journal,

I haven’t forgotten you. I just needed to take care of some business before I could give you my full concentration. But don’t you worry. I’m here and it’s Saturday and I’m going to write you every single day from now on and tell you all my secrets and thoughts and those nifty ideas I’ve had for the screenplays I’ve been thinking about for so long. Wait, that’s my doorbell. I’ll be right back, dear friend.

March 19 1999

Dear Journal,

Please forgive me. I had to go to the doorbell that last time and it was my neighbor, Salvatore, who asked me if his cousin Enzo who is visiting could sleep on my couch next week. And then I watched some TV and I'm really sorry I didn't come back right away.

You'll be happy to know I told my neighbor that Enzo could stay with me. I’m told he's very nice and he's also from a foreign country! How exciting that I will have a houseguest. Maybe we will become the best of friends and he will teach me his native language and I’m just so excited about the possibility. Savatore tells me they don’t have room for Enzo, which seems so strange because his apartment is so much bigger than mine. But it’s okay, I secretly confess to you, my diary (I mean journal, ha ha!) that I can’t wait to meet him. It should be such a good experience and broaden my horizons. Maybe he will be one of those Latin lovers and will teach me everything he knows and our little apartment will be the place for the biggest most funnest parties ever. I can’t wait.

August 22, 1999

Dear Journal,

I am sorry, please forgive my absence but you must know I did not forget about you. I have you to express all my secretest thoughts and desires. Plus, all the ideas that are brimming endlessly in a potpourri of ...stuff in my head.

The reason for my long time away from you is that Enzo came and well actually he’s still here all these months later. I’m writing you this letter with a penlight under my blanket for fear of waking Enzo, who is sleeping next to me. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not a gay man. I am happy though and gay sometimes means happy so I guess I’m sort of gay! Ha ha! That was a joke because I’m not really gay. I’m happy but not the other thing. You know what I’m saying. Anyway, Enzo wasn’t comfortable on the couch so he asked me if he could move to the bedroom a couple of months ago. Uh oh, I think I woke him. More later.

September 1, 1999

Dear Journal,

I’m sorry for the lapse since the last time we spoke. Enzo got very mad at me for waking him and he threatened to throw my beloved diary (I mean journal ha ha!) into the bathtub. Boy was I afraid. But you would have been proud of me because I took the journal and hid in the closet until he left.

Boy what a year it’s been. Enzo is now leaving the country because some police officers came over and said he had been here too long. See? I am just like the girl with the diary. I still can’t remember her name, but see how much we’re alike because didn’t the police come and take her away too. Only they didn’t take me, they took Enzo of course. I was sad to see him go because we spent so much time together and he taught me so much about life and stuff. We didn’t have all the great parties I thought we would but we did have prostitutes over and that was really exciting. See how crazy all this journal writing can be? I hope you’re not too shy to hear about prostitutes. I didn’t actually have sex with them because Enzo didn’t have enough money for both of us, but that’s okay because someday I will find my true love. Meanwhile, I will continue masturbating.

August 25, 1999

Dear Journal,

Sorry again for being away so long but now I’m back and I’m up very early before work and I can start writing that wonderful screenplay I’ve been thinking about for so long.

September 24, 1999

Dear Journal,

I’m up early and I can’t wait to get started on that new screenplay. This time I’m just exploding with thoughts because I had so many interesting dreams and I really think they will help in the writing of my new screenplay. Hold on one sec.

September 25, 1999

Dear Journal,

See I told you I would be back. Sorry about leaving so quickly but it turns out the power went out in my building and my alarm clock said it was 5am but it was really 10am. I thought I would get in a bit of trouble at work for that one but nobody seemed to notice. Have I told you about my work? I don’t think so. I am so sorry because I promised to tell you everything. So before I start putting together my movie story, I should tell you now about my work because it is such a huge, important part of my life.

October 1, 1999

Dear Journal,

I’m sorry I’ve been gone for the past week. Remember when I was trying to tell you about work? Of course you do. Well, work isn’t going that well right now but you don’t even know where I work or anything about it so I’m going to tell you right now.

October 4, 1999

Dear Journal,

Okay now I need to tell you about work because I keep getting interrupted. I’m writing to you now during my 10 minute coffee break. I know I promised to write to you each morning before I went to work but if I write to you I can’t watch Katie Couric and I really like her. Not as much as Kathy Lee Gifford but she’s my second favorite morning person and I have to admit, I want to have sex with her. But you don’t want to hear about that dear diary (I mean journal – ha ha!) You want to hear the crescendo of the raining sounds of my screenplay. That was a nice sentence wasn’t it? Well, maybe that could be the first sentence of my screenplay. See, I am getting started on my screenplay. The crescendo of the raining sounds. But I’m not sure what the raining sounds are so maybe I should put that line in later.

October 8, 1999

Dear Journal,

We got such a great start on my screenplay, I’m back so quickly to continue. I can’t wait to get going because I have such high hopes of selling it someday. I heard it’s hard to sell a screenplay so maybe I should write a book instead. Oh no, I’ve put so much thought into the screenplay, what if it’s better to write a book instead? I’m not sure what to do. I have to go right now, my boss just came in and I think I’m in trouble.

October 10, 1999

Dear Journal,

I was going to tell you about work but I forgot. So what do you want to know? Just kidding. I just got in trouble so I should probably just tell you everything. I work at Septicorp. It’s a really big company and I’m lucky because it’s just a few blocks from my apartment. I’m an accountant for them, but you already knew that. The company is really good and they make septic tanks and supplies for all around the world. Wanna hear a slogan I wrote in my head for my company? WE’VE BEEN TAKING YOUR CRAP FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS. Isn’t that hilarious? I told my coworkers that and most of them thought it was really funny, but my boss didn’t think it was appropriate because I used the word, crap. I think she’s kind of a bitch, but I can tell you all that stuff without getting in trouble, can’t I, dear diary (I mean journal ha ha!)

October 12, 1999

Dear Journal,

She really is a bitch. A fucking bitch. I know that’s pretty vulgar but listen to this. She told all the supervisors about my slogan idea for the company and they wrote me up for it. I was told it was not just inappropriate but she also told me I could be sued for sexual harassment because potty jokes are considered sexual. I tried to argue that saying crap has nothing to do with sex or harassment but she told me that in some places in Asia, people take craps on each other during sex. I didn’t believe her but she showed me pictures. It’s really, really disgusting by the way. I apologized to her but I still think she’s a bitch.

October 15, 1999

Dear Journal,

How are you? I’m fine. Things at work are the same. I’m sitting in my cubicle playing Freecell and looking busy whenever someone walks by. I’m not in trouble at work anymore. In fact, there’s this new girl who works in shipping and she’s really hot and I really want to ask her out on a date. But now I’m afraid of sexually harassing her so I’m not sure what to do. I desperately want to tell her about the book and/or screenplay I’ve been working on, but I don’t know how to approach her. But I need to get back to my book and/or screenplay now because I really want to have completed a first draft in a few weeks. Hang on, that’s my phone.

October 18, 1999

Dear Journal,

Well, I was all ready to go approach that girl in shipping. Her name is Kim Soo. For some reason she reminds me of Madonna, but I’m not sure why. She’s really hot and boy do I want to …okay yes journal, I want to have sex with her very, very badly. There, are you happy? I said it, okay. So stop prying so much in my personal life! Geez!

READ NEXT>>