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I had really low expectations
for “Be Cool." Not just because John Travolta hasn't
made a good movie since "Pulp Fiction" and yet he
still commands $20 million per picture, or that he's a Scientologist
who has an unbelievably hot wife and a Boeing 707 to boot.
That's just why I hate Travolta.
Let's start with the fact that "Be Cool" is an
unnecessary sequel. "Get Shorty" was not exactly
a classic, but it was a pretty decent little film that probably
didn't need a followup almost ten years after the original.
Which brings me to my next point: Elmore Leonard novels generally
don’t make good movies. "Be Cool" proves this
once and for all. I officially have two movies on the list
for Most Craptacular Film of 2005 and one of them is "Be
Cool." For fuck's sake, its only March and I still haven't
seen that new monument to craptasm starring Vin Diesel.
This film was so aggravating that the realization of its total
craptacularity took me awhile to fully digest. "Be Cool"
was trying to sell me on what’s cool, and tell me what
to think, from the self-deprecating comments about Hollywood’s
sinister business practices to the stupid fucking jokes that
seemed to wink at me while I’m stuffing my face full
of delicious, totally fat-free, cherry flavored Twizzlers™
(Product endorsement! ).While I was being told what to like,
when to laugh and what’s cool, all I could think about
was how unbelievably uncool it actually was (the movie, not
the Twizzlers™).
For those of you who do not remember “Get Shorty,”
we left the tough-mobster-with-a-heart-of-gold Chili Palmer
(John Travolta) in Hollywood with a burgeoning career in the
movie business and dating a hot-piece-of-ass. He even had
a mini-van. But now the movie business has become too compromising
and Chili is struggling under the thumb of "ennui."
That's French for boredom, I think. Chili says it himself
in the opening scene, as he drives down Sunset Boulevard.
Referring to the sequel of the movie that served as the subject
in “Get Shorty,” Chili says something like, “Sometimes
you have to compromise.” Whatever.
The story you ask? Chili Palmer’s music producer friend,
played by James Woods in a cameo performance, is gunned down
by a Russian mobster who apparently is shooting magic bullets
from an enchanted gun. I only mention it because one of the
bullets hits Chili’s Cadillac. The car, according to
the camera angles, was parked around the corner from where
the gunmen fired the shots. Perhaps there was another gunman
on Sepulveda? Back and to the left.
After his friend dies, Chili decides to go into the music
business. Chili needs something to believe in, and as luck
would have it, he knows a blossoming young singer, named Linda
Moon (Christina Milian). Fortunately, his friend’s wife,
Edie (Uma Thurman) is still running NTL Records, so Chili
can get involved with her. After all, there’s nothing
wrong with laying the pipe to your gruesomely murdered friend’s
wife.
There's also this plot involving a dispute between Chili
and Linda Moon’s management team, Raji (Vince Vaughn)
and Nick Carr (Harvey Keitel), over the talented young singer.
Along the way, the dispute expands to involve a gangsta music
producer, played by Cedric the Entertainer and his crew fronted
by Outkast’s Andre 3000. And The Rock unconvincingly
plays a big, gay bodyguard named Eliot Wilhelm. You know what?
I’m getting bored recapping the plot for you. So let
me give you the only thing that really matters about the movie—my
humble opinion.
Typically, actors are put in a movie to help sell the movie
to a crowd of nimrods willing to lay down their money to watch
blinking lights, tits or explosions. This time, though, no
matter how many people lay down their money to watch this
thing, the actors who appeared in “Be Cool” will
never be able to buy back their dignity, which represents
a unique situation because so many actors lined up to do cameos.
Just about everyone who had something to do with this movie
is a sell out, or has already sold out. There were too many
to list them all here, but trust me on this.
Putting the poor satirizing and self-referencing jokes aside,
“Be Cool,” like all craptastic movies made in Hollywood,
showed up to the theater without a plot. The movie seemed
like it was waiting for the characters to take over, and hoping
beyond all hope that they would write the script. A gangsta
music producer? Gold! A gay Samoan bodyguard? Priceless! Russian
mobsters? Contemporary! A hot, little songstress? Sex appeal
up the ass! Can any of them write a screenplay? Evidently
not.
Furthermore, the cast of characters from the first movie
were witty and interesting caricatures of real-life criminals
and malcontents. “Be Cool” ruins each and every
one of them by inadvertently displaying L.A.’s ability
to swallow people’s souls and make them shallow douchebags.
At least they have sunny weather.
I guess the box office receipts say it all. This opening
weekend, the public thought seeing Vin Diesel up to his knees
in baby shit would be more entertaining that Chili Palmer
duke it out with gangsta rappers. So what does that say about
“Be Cool?” It says that the coolest thing to do
is stay at home.
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Above:
John Travolta and Uma Thurman in "Be Cool"
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