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Honestly, I don’t know
where to start. Jimmy Fallon? I have to review a Jimmy-fucking-Fallon
movie? I have to actually say the phrase "Jimmy Fallon
movie?" I used to call Rob Schneider the poor man's Adam
Sandler, but times they are a changin'.
This is now Fallon's second movie, the follow-up to his premiere
ode to craptasm known as "Taxi." I don't know if
you realize this, but sometimes movie studios think they have
a hot new "it" actor and they give him a bunch of
movie roles all at the same time based on focus groups of
panting 12-year-old girls. Then, like a year or so later,
all these movies are unleashed -- one after the other -- and
the 12-year-olds are now 13 and have moved on to fellating
their soccer coaches. All I know is that now I’m the
one who’s suffering. And now it’s your turn.
Adapted from a novel by Nick Hornsby, “Fever Pitch”
mixes relationships with sports. And not in a good way. Being
old-fashioned, I believe relationships and sporting events
can be mixed only if strippers show up to your Super Bowl
party. If anything, sports are a way for guys to get away
from their relationships and remember the time when they were
actually men. But then, some asshole made this movie. And
here we are. Seriously, a Jimmy Fallon movie?
Women may -- repeat may -- find this movie slightly
enjoyable. But only because women, in their very patronizing
way, think sitting with their significant other during this
movie is the equivalent of "sharing" sports with
their men. They think it’s cool to ask inane questions
like, “Why do they keep patting each other on the ass?”
Or “If they throw the ball to that guy, he’ll score
a touchdown, right?” Then you’ll say, in that Ricky
Ricardo kind of voice, “Oh, honey , this is baseball.”
Speaking of baseball, have I told you about the plot of “Fever
Pitch?” Please. Allow me. There’s this guy, Ben
(Jimmy Fallon) who meets this girl, Lindsay (Drew Barrymore).
Ben’s a high school math teacher and Lindsay’s a
high-powered career gal. Seemingly, they don’t belong
with each other, but the plot needs to keep moving, so they
fall in love. Then he reveals his dark secret: he is a complete
tool of maddening proportions. You know why? He’s obsessed
with the Boston Red Sox. Not in an endearing way, mind you,
but in a borderline insane way that’s both disturbing
and utterly intolerable in a blue-collar, I’m-not-smart-enough-to-know-the-difference,
kind of way. And the movie never softens his dipshittery.
However, the girl sees his sensitive side and what a swell
guy he is, so she sticks with him, until, of course, later,
when she gets tired of his obsession and rightfully dumps
him. Through his morose and ridiculous philosophizing, he
finally comes to the conclusion the Red Sox suck without her.
I think the Red Sox suck because they have no consistent middle
reliever and free agency has depleted their lineup.
On a separate but related issue, Jimmy Fallon is just not
funny. I keep hoping beyond hope that someone will notice,
but no one ever does. Jimmy Fallon has just been demoted to
the poor man's Chris Kattan in my eyes, and I'm actually quite
terrified that he will continue his career past this movie.
And Drew Barrymore, now at 30, and having done an endless
string of these romantic comedies with or without Sandler,
has clearly overstayed her welcome in this genre. As one of
the producers of this film, Drew should have known better
-- or at least showed us her boobs.
At any rate—and I don’t mean to spoil the most
obvious fucking ending ever—but they get back together
and blah, blah, blah...Boston wins. Who fucking cares. I'd
rather watch outtakes of Deuce Bigalow than have to sit through
this kind craptacularity ever again.
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Above:
Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore in "Fever Pitch"
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