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Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.


  These are actual emails from actual people...plus Shizzy.  Please forgive us and enjoy!


Hey My Peeps,

I search day and night looking for victims for this morally corrupt column. Every once in awhile I come upon something that is so creepy it keeps me awake at night. I'm not talking about your usual farm sex site. I'm talking about LifeGem. LifeGem says that for a couple thousand dollars they will turn the cremated remains of your loved ones into diamonds. Here, once again, I play my alter-alter ego of Mike Ockisard. Say it slow if you haven't figure it out...Mike...Ockisard. Here, I'm just a guy with a dream of one day having a charm bracelet made out of my beloved poodle. If this one doesn't make you tear up, you're made of stone.

Peace out,

SHIZZY

Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 12:12:16 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> | Subject: Life Gem To: xxxxlifegem.com

I remember reading about your service in the Chicago Tribune awhile back. I'm in love with the idea. I'd like to ask a couple of questions regarding this service. Are you able to do the same procedure with the carbon of a pet that is deceased? My prized poodle was run over by a car and I would like to have a life gem of her. Would this cost the same as for a human being? I hope to hear from someone soon.

Mike Ockisard (That's me, Shizzam!)

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 07:48:04 -0500 From: xxxxlifegem.com | To: xxxx@yahoo.com Subject: RE: POTENTIAL CUSTOMER

Michael,

Thank you for inquiring about LifeGem Memorial Diamonds. The LifeGem is of course available for pets. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dear companion. I am assuming that you have already had your pet cremated and are in possession of the cremains. If this is the case, then we have to test the cremains for the presence of carbon. The pricing is the same as for people. A fairly easy way to tell if there is carbon in the cremains is to observe the color. A definite gray color means there is carbon, a cream to white color indicates little or no carbon. We would be happy to test for carbon, and if you would like for us to proceed we need for you to send the cremains to our mailing address at

833 Arlington Heights Rd # 311 Elk Grove Village IL 60007

Sincerely, Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations
LifeGem

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 11:50:53 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: RE: POTENTIAL CUSTOMER To: xxxxlifegem.com

Oh, thank you so much for addressing my question. I haven't looked at the cremated remains. It's just too painful. Puffy was a wonderful dog and we miss her dearly. The cremated remains aren't as personal as a diamond would be. I'd like to create the gem for my life partner Troy. He's devastated by Puffy's death. He blames himself I'm afraid. I think this would help him come to grips with this tragedy. How much of the cremated remains do you need to create the gem? Do you need all of it? I'm thinking about the .75 carat lifegem for Puffy. Please contact me soon. I'm really excited about doing this.

Thanks,

Mike

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 14:47:46 -0500 From: xxxxlifegem.com | To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: LifeGem

Mike,

It's very thoughtful of you to look after your companion as you do. I would also have to agree that this could help the healing process. I am guessing that we would need the entire cremains in order to create a LifeGem for you. If our tests show that we don't need to use all of the remains, then we will return what we do not need. We will treat Puffy with extreme care and respect. If you will be sending the cremains we ask that you include the following information: Please use the US Postal Service, Registered Mail, Certified Return Receipt Requested. At least two weeks should be allowed for shipping. The remains should be left in the original container from the funeral facility. Your name, address, and phone number for future contact must be included in an envelope attached to the container. An authorization form must be filled out and mailed in with the cremains. I can fax or e-mail an order form which also serves as the authorization for us to proceed. Please let me know what you would like to do.

Sincerely, Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations
LifeGem

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 16:15:45 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: LifeGem To: xxxxlifegem.com

Puffy's remains are kept in a small box above our fireplace. She just loved to sleep next to a roaring fire during the winter months. I will USPS her lifedust to Elk Grove as soon as I can for the testing. How much does the testing cost? I ask only out of curiosity. I'm fortunate enough to own a successful antique store so money isn't a problem. My dear mother left it to me before she crossed over. I wish I'd known about LifeGem back then. Can the LifeGem procedure work for remains that were cremated over 5 years ago? I can't tell you how much I appreciate the time you've taken to have this dialogue with me. You're a very kind man. Hope to hear from you soon.

Mike

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 21:07:57 -0500 From: xxxxlifegem.com To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: LifeGem

Mike, Thank you for your kind words. There is a cost for the testing, but because we are new to the world we are waiving that fee. We don't want anything to deter in any way what we have set out to do, which is to revolutionize the grieving process. We believe that it is a worth while investment in our business, and the most important thing we can do is to get the LifeGem Memorial Diamonds in the hands of our clients. Time should not be a problem for the cremains that you have had in your possesion. If the carbon was present five years ago, it will still be there today. I hope that we are able to help you.

Sincerely,

Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations
LifeGem

Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 23:09:10 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> |Subject: Re: LifeGem To: xxxxlifegem.com

I can tell that you truly care about the emotional well being of your customers. It is indeed a sensitive business. I'm up late thinking about possibilities. Would it be possible to make two gems from one set of cremains? I'd like one of Puffy's lifegems for myself, and one to give to Troy. Also, is it possible to have the remains of two deceased loved ones put into one lifegem? The more I talk to you the more I like what I hear about the process and the great service your company provides. Hopefully I'm not asking too many questions. I don't want to be a pest. Hope to hear from you soon.

Mike


Date: Thu, 3 Oct 2002 08:19:27 -0500 From: xxxxlifegem.com To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: LifeGem

Mike, I'm happy to answer your questions. The LifeGem is new to the world, so lots of questions are expected.

{Would it be possible to make two gems from one set of cremains? I'd like one of Puffy's lifegems for myself and one to give to Troy.}
This is possible provided we have enough carbon in Puffy's remains. We do have to test first to let you know for sure.

{Also, is it possible to have the remains of two deceased loved ones put into one lifegem?}
This is a great idea, and one that we imagined would happen sooner or later. What better way to symbolize the bond between two loved ones?

Thank you again for your interest in LifeGem, it has been a pleasure speaking with you.

Sincerely,
Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations

Date: Thu, 3 Oct 2002 07:44:31 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject: Re: LifeGem To: xxxxlifegem.com

Dean I have terrible news…

My pet monkey Twizzler got ahold of Puffy's cremains and they ended up all over the house. My life partner Troy came home late last night and he saw some of the cremains on the kitchen table. Troy made the mistake of thinking that Puffy's cremains were cocaine. He cut up a couple of lines of her lifedust and snorted it. I woke up this morning to the sound of police banging on my door. When I answered they told me there was a naked man on my roof. I ran outside and saw Troy taking a crap in our chimney. He was just sitting there, singing Sting songs and reading the paper. He must've gotten high off the cremains and was hallucinating. After the police coaxed him down they took him to the hospital where doctors are keeping him under observation. Right now I'm at the hospital trying to explain to the doctors that Troy isn't on drugs, but that he inhaled the cremated remains of Puffy our prized winning poodle whose carbon I was planning to have turned into diamonds. Now they're making me talk to a psychologist. They just don't understand. I promise that when everything gets sorted out here I'll ship the remaining remains to your offices to be tested for carbon. I thank you again for having this dialogue with me. Hope to hear from you soon.

Mike

Suggestions? Comments? Write me a note.

Peace Out
Shizzy

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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