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Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments
or ideas to Shizzy Joyce.
These are actual emails from actual
people...plus Shizzy. Please forgive us and enjoy!
Hey My Peeps,
I search day and night looking for victims for this morally corrupt
column. Every once in awhile I come upon something that is so creepy
it keeps me awake at night. I'm not talking about your usual farm
sex site. I'm talking about LifeGem. LifeGem says that for a couple
thousand dollars they will turn the cremated remains of your loved
ones into diamonds. Here, once again, I play my alter-alter ego of
Mike Ockisard. Say it slow if you haven't figure it out...Mike...Ockisard.
Here, I'm just a guy with a dream of one day having a charm bracelet
made out of my beloved poodle. If this one doesn't make you tear up,
you're made of stone.
Peace out,
SHIZZY
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Date: Tue, 1 Oct 2002 12:12:16 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>
| Subject: Life Gem To: xxxxlifegem.com
I remember reading about your service in the Chicago Tribune
awhile back. I'm in love with the idea. I'd like to ask a
couple of questions regarding this service. Are you able to
do the same procedure with the carbon of a pet that is deceased?
My prized poodle was run over by a car and I would like to
have a life gem of her. Would this cost the same as for a
human being? I hope to hear from someone soon.
Mike Ockisard (That's me, Shizzam!)
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Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 07:48:04 -0500 From:
xxxxlifegem.com | To: xxxx@yahoo.com Subject: RE: POTENTIAL
CUSTOMER
Michael,
Thank you for inquiring about LifeGem Memorial Diamonds.
The LifeGem is of course available for pets. I'm sorry to
hear about the loss of your dear companion. I am assuming
that you have already had your pet cremated and are in possession
of the cremains. If this is the case, then we have to test
the cremains for the presence of carbon. The pricing is the
same as for people. A fairly easy way to tell if there is
carbon in the cremains is to observe the color. A definite
gray color means there is carbon, a cream to white color indicates
little or no carbon. We would be happy to test for carbon,
and if you would like for us to proceed we need for you to
send the cremains to our mailing address at
833 Arlington Heights Rd # 311 Elk Grove Village IL 60007
Sincerely, Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations
LifeGem
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Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 11:50:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>
|Subject: RE: POTENTIAL CUSTOMER To: xxxxlifegem.com
Oh, thank you so much for addressing my question. I haven't
looked at the cremated remains. It's just too painful. Puffy
was a wonderful dog and we miss her dearly. The cremated remains
aren't as personal as a diamond would be. I'd like to create
the gem for my life partner Troy. He's devastated by Puffy's
death. He blames himself I'm afraid. I think this would help
him come to grips with this tragedy. How much of the cremated
remains do you need to create the gem? Do you need all of
it? I'm thinking about the .75 carat lifegem for Puffy. Please
contact me soon. I'm really excited about doing this.
Thanks,
Mike
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Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 14:47:46 -0500 From: xxxxlifegem.com
| To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: LifeGem
Mike,
It's very thoughtful of you to look after your companion
as you do. I would also have to agree that this could help
the healing process. I am guessing that we would need the
entire cremains in order to create a LifeGem for you. If our
tests show that we don't need to use all of the remains, then
we will return what we do not need. We will treat Puffy with
extreme care and respect. If you will be sending the cremains
we ask that you include the following information: Please
use the US Postal Service, Registered Mail, Certified Return
Receipt Requested. At least two weeks should be allowed for
shipping. The remains should be left in the original container
from the funeral facility. Your name, address, and phone number
for future contact must be included in an envelope attached
to the container. An authorization form must be filled out
and mailed in with the cremains. I can fax or e-mail an order
form which also serves as the authorization for us to proceed.
Please let me know what you would like to do.
Sincerely, Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations
LifeGem
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Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 16:15:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: LifeGem To: xxxxlifegem.com
Puffy's remains are kept in a small box above our fireplace.
She just loved to sleep next to a roaring fire during the
winter months. I will USPS her lifedust to Elk Grove as soon
as I can for the testing. How much does the testing cost?
I ask only out of curiosity. I'm fortunate enough to own a
successful antique store so money isn't a problem. My dear
mother left it to me before she crossed over. I wish I'd known
about LifeGem back then. Can the LifeGem procedure work for
remains that were cremated over 5 years ago? I can't tell
you how much I appreciate the time you've taken to have this
dialogue with me. You're a very kind man. Hope to hear from
you soon.
Mike
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Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 21:07:57 -0500 From:
xxxxlifegem.com To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: LifeGem
Mike, Thank you for your kind words. There is a cost for the
testing, but because we are new to the world we are waiving
that fee. We don't want anything to deter in any way what
we have set out to do, which is to revolutionize the grieving
process. We believe that it is a worth while investment in
our business, and the most important thing we can do is to
get the LifeGem Memorial Diamonds in the hands of our clients.
Time should not be a problem for the cremains that you have
had in your possesion. If the carbon was present five years
ago, it will still be there today. I hope that we are able
to help you.
Sincerely,
Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations
LifeGem
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Date: Wed, 2 Oct 2002 23:09:10 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>
|Subject: Re: LifeGem To: xxxxlifegem.com
I can tell that you truly care about the emotional well being
of your customers. It is indeed a sensitive business. I'm
up late thinking about possibilities. Would it be possible
to make two gems from one set of cremains? I'd like one of
Puffy's lifegems for myself, and one to give to Troy. Also,
is it possible to have the remains of two deceased loved ones
put into one lifegem? The more I talk to you the more I like
what I hear about the process and the great service your company
provides. Hopefully I'm not asking too many questions. I don't
want to be a pest. Hope to hear from you soon.
Mike
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 2002 08:19:27 -0500 From: xxxxlifegem.com
To: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com> Subject:
Re: LifeGem
Mike, I'm happy to answer your questions. The LifeGem
is new to the world, so lots of questions are expected.
{Would it be possible to make two gems from one set of cremains?
I'd like one of Puffy's lifegems for myself and one to give
to Troy.}
This is possible provided we have enough carbon in Puffy's
remains. We do have to test first to let you know for sure.
{Also, is it possible to have the remains of two deceased
loved ones put into one lifegem?}
This is a great idea, and one that we imagined would happen
sooner or later. What better way to symbolize the bond between
two loved ones?
Thank you again for your interest in LifeGem, it has been
a pleasure speaking with you.
Sincerely,
Dean VandenBiesen
V.P. of Operations
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Date: Thu, 3 Oct 2002 07:44:31 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Michael Ockisard" <xxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: LifeGem To: xxxxlifegem.com
Dean I have terrible news
My pet monkey Twizzler got ahold of Puffy's cremains and they
ended up all over the house. My life partner Troy came home
late last night and he saw some of the cremains on the kitchen
table. Troy made the mistake of thinking that Puffy's cremains
were cocaine. He cut up a couple of lines of her lifedust
and snorted it. I woke up this morning to the sound of police
banging on my door. When I answered they told me there was
a naked man on my roof. I ran outside and saw Troy taking
a crap in our chimney. He was just sitting there, singing
Sting songs and reading the paper. He must've gotten high
off the cremains and was hallucinating. After the police coaxed
him down they took him to the hospital where doctors are keeping
him under observation. Right now I'm at the hospital trying
to explain to the doctors that Troy isn't on drugs, but that
he inhaled the cremated remains of Puffy our prized winning
poodle whose carbon I was planning to have turned into diamonds.
Now they're making me talk to a psychologist. They just don't
understand. I promise that when everything gets sorted out
here I'll ship the remaining remains to your offices to be
tested for carbon. I thank you again for having this dialogue
with me. Hope to hear from you soon.
Mike
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Suggestions? Comments? Write
me a note.
Peace Out
Shizzy
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**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except
for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails
are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind
of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than
Shizzy.
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