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Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within
the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments or
ideas to Shizzy Joyce.
These are actual emails from actual people
... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL. Please forgive us and enjoy!
Happy New Year, My Peeps!
I’m going straight to Hell for this one….like I wasn't
going there anyway. For those radio fans out there, you may have heard
of The "Rick and Bubba Show," which is broadcast all over the
Southeast. They put on a comedy show accompanied with Christian commentary.
It’s actually pretty funny, but I'm about to make it funnier. I decided
to test Rick’s faith by luring him to the twisted world of my alter
ego, Father Frank Shizzoni. You think he'll take the the bait? They always
do.
Shizzy
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Date:
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Sun,
15 Dec 2002 15:22:48 -0800 (PST)
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From:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Appalling!
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To:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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Rick, I've
listened to your show on many trips on the way to Florida and I've
enjoyed your well crafted comedy bits. Your radio show is
one of the funnier ones I've heard, and I've heard them all.
But, your comments made last week were outrageous. To insinuate
that Catholics aren't real Christians is as insane as it is nonsensical.
Catholics were the only Christians for 1500 years and there are 2
billion of them on the earth today. Strictly speaking, most
Christians are Catholics. Your Bible worshiping is an infantile
look at God the infinite. Your childish
take on the sacred that is so popular in the mid-west and south has
always been hard to stomach, but before it wasn't as mean spirited.
Please stop broadcasting this poisonous rhetoric and put more energy
into your comedy. You will be spending a long time
in Purgatory indeed. May God help you.
Sincerely, Father
Frank Shizzoni (it's me, Shizzy)
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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Date:
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Mon,
16 Dec 2002 16:48:02 -0600
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I have no idea what you are talking about....i truly don't recall
saying that....please give me more info.....do you have us confused
with another show?.....rick
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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Date:
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Mon,
16 Dec 2002 19:52:02 -0600
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I was in a hurry because my four children can be a handful....but
i again assure you that your accusations are false.....i think you
owe me an apology....i think the bible is clear that we should not
jump to conclusions about our brothers in CHRIST.....rick |
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Date:
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Wed,
18 Dec 2002 09:10:19 -0800 (PST)
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From:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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To:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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Rick. I DO apologize. Someone has gotten hold of my
email address and is using it for their sick amusement. Whoever
it is also emailed a good friend of mine, Father McCourt,
and referred to his parish as a "homosexual clowny town."
I don't know who is doing this. I do know that it has to be
someone I know. Could you please tell me where you are from
and a little about your radio show? This might help me narrow
down the list of suspects. I was very disturbed by the
email that the perpetrator sent you. He clearly doesn't
understand Christ's message. He is in dire need of spiritual
counsel. We ARE all brothers in Christ. Hopefully
we can have a dialogue via email that will help clear this up.
I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely, Father
Shizzoni
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com> |
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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Date:
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Wed,
18 Dec 2002 20:54:30 -0600
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We are kind of a strange breed but I truly feel that we are in the
center of GOD'S will....we do a syndicated radio show that is on
23 stations in the southeast and can be seen daily on turner south....we
are open about our Christian beliefs and discuss it often....we
have always felt that being a Christian is what matters not what
denomination you are with....please keep us in your prayers....Rick
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Date:
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Thu,
19 Dec 2002 15:01:35 -0800 (PST)
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From:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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the
perpetrator
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To:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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After reading your email I have a pretty good idea who is doing
this. My nephew lives in Birmingham, Alabama. Are you
broadcast in Birmingham? He somehow got into the rectory while
visiting family here and found out my password which is written
next to my keyboard. Obviously, the last tirade you received
was not really from me. I must apologize for him. He
has lost his way. He has gotten involved with an anarchist
group that like to pull elaborate pranks for their own amusement.
They call themselves "The Nihilist Workshop."
I would like to know if you have ever heard of them. They
have taken a particular interest in disrupting religious celebrations
and harassing people of all faiths. The young man needs Jesus.
I don't think he will ever accept Catholicism because of his strong
distaste for institutionalized religion. I do think he might
be more open to a born again type saving that is more popular amongst Protestants.
How would you go about trying to intervene and helping
a troubled young man find out the power of Jesus word? I find
myself in a strange spot seeking spiritual counsel from a DJ :)
But as a man of the same faith I hope you will take the time
to have a dialogue with me. Hope to hear from you soon.
Father Shizzoni
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
the perpetrator
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Date:
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Thu,
19 Dec 2002 18:11:07 -0600
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Father...I thank you so much for clearing this up....I have never
heard of this group and yes we do broadcast from bham Alabama....as
the troubled young man, it seems that he has a problem with religion
so maybe he does have a problem with JESUS CHRIST.....I really thing
when we study the scriptures it's clear that GOD came as a man to
act as the bridge between GOD and man because we could not earn our
way to heaven so we are saved by GOD'S grace and then our lives are
changed by that grace and produces fruit of the spirit....I think
where all of us with our obsession with denominations lose sight of
the simple message of GOD loved us so much he came to earth as a man,
lived a sinless live was tempted as we are and died on the cross in
our place and defeated death and sin by walking from the tomb on the
third day...maybe this young man needs to hear more about a personal
relationship through JESUS CHRIST with GOD and less about legalism....JESUS
CHRIST wasn't about religion....sometimes we worry to much about being
a good catholic or protestant and worry more about being a good CHRISTIAN....when
he comes back....I don't think...free will, pre destiny, election,
works Vs grace, sprinkle Vs. emerson.....he will want to know above
all else do you believe in your heart and have faith that JESUS CHRIST
is the messiah and died for our sins....HE is who he said HE was our
path to forgiveness and fellowship with our FATHER......I think these
things are what he needs...then he can decide how he worship once
he knows what he believes.....Rick |
Next, I send another evil email
to Rick that is supposedly from my Nihilist nephew. Here is Rick's response.
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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Date:
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Fri,
20 Dec 2002 22:17:14 -0600
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Father, I think they are at it again...I received this today....Rick
I've talked to
the Pope and it's official, you are going to Hell. You are
on his short list for radio personalities to damn. I congratulate
you. Your ranting and raving has earned you a spot in the Netherworld.
You won't be lonely. You'll be there with Steve 'n' Earl,
Toby 'n' Timmy, Cooter 'n' Scooter and of course Opie and Anthony.
My advice to you is to start studying. Not many people know
this, but there is an entrance exam that you have to pass to get
into Heaven. Now, you have no chance of getting into Heaven,
but you might be able to place out of Hell and get to come
back as a Turtle. Most of the questions are essay questions. Focus
most of your attention on the New Testament. Get the Cliff's
Notes if you can. The last question is true/false.
I happen to know what it is and since your show this morning
was pretty funny, I'll throw you a bone. Here it is...All
non-Christians go to Hell. I know you are thinking True,
but trust me it's False. It turns out billions of people
all over the world don't even know what Christianity is so they get
a pass into Heaven if they're good. Hope you are
a good test taker.
Father Frank
Shizzoni
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Date:
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Sat,
21 Dec 2002 10:47:20 -0800 (PST)
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From:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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To:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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I have changed my password and I hope that will do the trick.
I do apologize once again. It is a shame that you have been
subjected to this "anti-everything" harassment.
Hopefully he will find a focus more aligned with Christ's message.
Many travel down dark roads before finding Grace. In the Protestant
world Franklin Graham would be a good example. I admit I do
not know much about fundamentalism or "being saved" as
it is often called. I am very interested in the idea.
Is there a process? Is there a baptism? I enjoyed very
much your last email. You have a good grasp of God's ultimate plan.
I promise you won't be getting any more harassing emails from my
troubled nephew. I look forward to hearing from you.
I appreciate the kindness and compassion you've shown.
Father Shizzoni
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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Date:
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Sat,
21 Dec 2002 13:07:26 -0600
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We believe that Christ simply asked that we believe in him, submit
to GOD, die to our old self and become a new creation......not that
we never sin from that point but that we do not justify sin in our
life and truly repent and ask for forgiveness for our sins.....as
for baptism...we believe that baptism is an act of obedience but not
a requirement for salvation...it is a public picture of your acceptance
of JESUS CHRIST as the only sacrifice for sin and dying to our
old self (dipped in the water) then rise again as a new creation (pulled
back up from the water)....we emerce because john the baptist emerced
JESUS.........we believe that works don't earn you salvation but are
the result of salvation....if i can help with your nephew in any way....please
let me know.......you are in my prayers...rick |
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Date:
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Mon,
23 Dec 2002 06:51:52 -0800 (PST)
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From:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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To:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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Once again you beautifully explain God's Grace and his
interaction with Creation. I have been thinking about
leaving the priesthood for awhile now. I am left spiritually
unfulfilled serving the lord in this capacity. Yesterday
I purchased a motorcycle and I am going to ride to Florida to live
until spring. At that time I am going to resign my duties
as priest at St. Phillips and begin training to become a preacher. I
want to teach the word of God with the Bible as basis.
I have become jaded by the corruptibility of this institution of
the Light. It's more about politics than serving the Lord. Your
words have inspired me to seek a new path to spreading God's
message. My first order of business will be to find and deliver
the "Nihilist Workshop" to Jesus Christ. They must
let Jesus into their hearts. I am going to have to plead
ignorance on this so I have to ask, are preachers allowed to enter
into marriage? My celibacy vows have also had a heavy hand
in my growing resentment of the Church. Being that I
was once swore allegiance to Rome will I have to do anything
special to become saved? I hope you can answer some
of my inquiries. Maybe one day I can come on your show.
Do you know any reformed Catholics? I am emailing everyone
I know and telling them about how a Christian DJ from Alabama changed
my perspective on God's plan. I'd like to hear what you think.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Father, for now,
Shizzoni
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Appalling!
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Date:
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Mon,
23 Dec 2002 16:16:24 -0600
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My brother....your must get on your knees and ask Jesus Christ into
your heart....say the following prayer....MY FATHER IN HEAVEN....I
COME BEFORE YOU A SINNER WHO HAS FALLEN SHORT OF YOUR GLORY....I TRULY
WANT TO REPENT FOR MY SINS AND I RECOGNIZE THAT THE ONLY WAY TO RECEIVE
TRUE FORGIVENESS IS THROUGH YOUR SON JESUS CHRIST WHO YOU SENT TO
DIE IN MY PLACE....I ASK NOW THAT YOUR SON JESUS CHRIST COME INTO
MY HEART AND CLEANSE ME OF MY SINS....MAY THE HOLY SPIRIT DWELL IN
MY HEART AND I MAY BECOME A NEW CREATION THROUGH THE BLOOD OF JESUS
CHRIST......next...yes you can be married...the bible never called
for our leaders to be single or abstain from marriage....Paul writes
that if you can serve the LORD better married then you should marry
as not to burn with passion and lose focus....but if you think you
can serve the LORD better single then you should refrain from marriage......please
keep in touch and pray like you have never prayed before....conversational...like
talking to your father....that's why he came as a man....so we can
once again talk directly to him....Rick |
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Date:
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Tue,
24 Dec 2002 13:15:42 -0800 (PST)
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From:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Prayer
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To:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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Glad to hear that I won't have to continue with my vow of celibacy.
It has been very difficult. God knows me to be a sinner.
I once visited a strip club where I met a beautiful woman named
Candy. She is a regular at St. Phillips and I've gotten to
know her well. She has kids to support so she dances at Show
'N' Tail on the weekends and works as a computer programmer full
time. She has hinted to me that if I weren't a priest she
would like to date me. Yesterday I revealed to her my plans
and we are going to start a new life together. I talk daily
with God and I have added your suggested prayer to my usual dialogue
with Him. I have gotten word that there is a school in
Birmingham, Alabama where those who seek to work as preacher go
to train. I am now enrolled for the spring term
and am saving money for the move. I am very short on money.
Would it be possible for us to stay with you for a couple of days
while I look for work? Do you have any job openings at
the radio station? It is a shame that money is necessary
for those who wish to pursue spreading the Word. I'm
sure that through God's love it will all work out for the best.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Frank
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From:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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To:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Prayer
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Date:
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Wed,
25 Dec 2002 21:25:53 -0600
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Brother...i would be happy to help you any way i could...with 4 children
and a wife staying with us would be difficult....when it comes to
email and considering the way we started our conversation, it would
be best for us to meet for lunch one day and make sure i am talking
to the right person and then move from there...these are very important
issues we are discussing and should never be taken lightly......let
me know when you will be in town and lets meet for lunch and go from
there.....rick |
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Date:
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Thu,
26 Dec 2002 07:58:08 -0800 (PST)
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From:
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"Frank
Shizzoni" <shizzoxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject:
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Re:
Prayer
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To:
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"Rick"
<rick@xxxx.com>
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That would be great. Hope you're not a vegetarian. I
love ribs. Our main concern is finding a job for Candy.
She is beautiful. A real 10. She won a couple of Miss
Milwaukee contests in the 80's and has worked steadily as an exotic
dancer for many years. Do you know if there are any Men's
Entertainment clubs in the Birmingham area? I'm afraid my
resume’ isn't as impressive. Aside from being a priest
the only job I've held was as a bouncer at a rodeo bar
in Peoria. That was many years ago and I'm not anywhere near
the tough guy I once was. I might be a good guest on
your show because of my psychic abilities. I have been able
to predict future events with great accuracy for five years now.
Also, in a poorly lit room with absolute silence I can transmit
thoughts to another person. Maybe I could be on your show!
Candy and I are going to be heading to your neck of the woods soon. Get
back to me when you can.
Frank
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Rick has NOT gotten
back to me. He must be preparing his house for the born-again psychic
priest, his stripper girlfriend, and her two kids. If Rick is a good Christian
he'll forgive us for our on-line torture. See you in hell, biatch!
Peace Out,
Shizzy
Suggestions? Comments? Write
me a note.
**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except
for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails
are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind
of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than
Shizzy.
Want more Shizzy? Here ya go.
1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6,
7, 8, 9,
10, 11, 12,
13, 14, 15,
16, 17,
18, 19, 20,
21, 22, 23,
24, 25, 26,
27, 28, 29
, 30, 31,
32, 33, 34,
35, 36, 37,
38, 39, 40,
41, >
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