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Cruel,
Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell
Send all comments or ideas
to Shizzy Joyce.
These
are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL. Please
forgive us and enjoy!
Greetings Shizzlers!
Sorry for my absence but don't worry, I got lots of new shizzlers in the
pipeline. This week, I thought I would try something different. Here,
I answer an ad from a young art student from San Francisco who's looking
for some good tattoos to photograph for her class. Everyone knows how
slutty art students can be and yours truly is about to give her the full
shizzification.
Here is the ad:
Wanted: Men and women who have extensive tattooing on their bodies
who would like to pose for a photography class art project. Contact soon
if interested. Luanaxxx@aol.com
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Date: Thu, 10 Apr 2003 21:35:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
Hi there. I have a large tattoo of Sylvester Stallone on my back.
It is from a scene in Rocky IV where Rocky climbs a mountain in
Russia and cries out Drago! Its the best part
of the movie. I would love to have my picture taken!
Hope to hear from you soon,
Erich von Shizanstein (it's me, Shizzy)
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From: Luanaxxx@aol.com |
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003 00:01:02 EDT
Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Erichxxx@yahoo.com
Hi, Erich.
Thanks for getting back to me. Lets meet up so I can see
the work! I live in west Oakland but, go to school in the city.
let me know when a good time for you is. I'm pretty much free
all weekend and Tuesday afternoon. And Wednesday all day.
Thanks for responding!
Luana
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Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003 00:43:50 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
Luana,
Tuesday afternoon would be great for me. I live in the Castro.
I just moved here from Philadelphia a couple of weeks ago. I'm
a huge Rocky fanatic. I've been doing competitive bodybuilding
for the past couple of years and I'm out here trying to get into
the scene here in San Francisco. If you could tell me a little
bit about the project your doing I'd appreciate it. I'm just interested
in how the photos will be used. Are you from Oakland originally?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Erich
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From: Luanaxxx@aol.com |
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 2003 16:00:51 EDT
Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Erichxxx@yahoo.com
Well, I go to art school in San Francisco, at the Academy of Art
College. Im a first year photography student. This project
is for my studio lighting final. Im shooting in 4x5 black
and white film. The concept is body art on form. For your time
I can give you a few prints but, I cant pay anything. Im
actually from New Jersey originally. I moved to Oakland a year
and half ago to go to school. I love it out here. How does Tuesday
at 4 sound? We can meet somewhere in the Castro if you like just
tell me where!!!!!
Thanks
Luana
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Date: Sun, 13 Apr 2003 17:28:14 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
Hi Luana!
Could we schedule a meeting some time after next Tuesday? I just
got a call from my manager and he told me that there is a meet
on Tuesday. I am going to have to lift all day for that night's
competition. Plus, I'm planning on watching the first three Rocky
movies when I get home. It helps relieve the stress of the workout
and gives me motivation that maybe I could be a successful middle-aged
prizefighter some day.
Anyway, I really want to work with you just for the fun of it.
My wife and I have been looking for something exciting to do.
My wife might actually be more suited for your project than me.
She has extensive tattooing AND she does yoga and contortionist
stuff. She is really flexible. Like super duper flexible.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Erich
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From: Luanaxxx@aol.com |
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 01:04:36 EDT
Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Erichxxx@yahoo.com
Anytime to meet would be fine with me. I would love to photograph
your wife and you as well. Is Thursday okay to meet with you?
I have studio time on Friday from 8:30 am-1:00 pm. and I can book
studio time next week too. Im very flexible but, I would
like to photograph you both no later then the last week of April
because my finals are the second week of may and I need
time to print and matt everything. Im really excited to
meet you and your wife and have a very good feeling about your
part in this project.
Talk to you soon.
Luana
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Date: Sun, 13 Apr 2003 23:44:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
Hi Luana!
Any time next week is great. I mean ANY time. We have absolutely
nothing going next week. My wife has all next week off and I don't
have any competitions scheduled so it's just Rocky, Rocky, Rocky
and then maybe some dinner. We are really excited about working
with you. I don't know if this is out of the question, but would
you be up for taking photographs of us with our personal camera?
We have tried to take photos of each other before in a "sexy"
way but we don't know what we're doing. We would pay you for your
time of course. I don't mean anything like porno, just photos
that could complement our well-toned bodies. Did I mention how
flexible my wife is? We just got one of those new digital numbers
though and we're eager to try it out. Again, any time next week
would be great for us. Thanks Luana!
Erich
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From: Luanaxxx@aol.com |
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 11:10:56 EDT
Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Erichxxx@yahoo.com
I would be happy to take some "erotica" pictures of
you two. =) if you dont mind posing nude for me too... Ill
do it for free! (I usually charge $80 per roll that I shoot plus
the cost of prints) does that sound fair? and Besides you guys
are really helping me out with this project. We can trade favor
for favor. =) Ill book some studio time for Wednesday or
Thursday of next week. Hopefully in the afternoon or evening,
Im not usually an early riser. Ill let you know what
I come up with!
Luana
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Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 13:08:29 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
Luana,
Next Thursday would be great! My wife and I are really excited.
We are going to practice different positions tonight that we think
would look good on film. Like scenes from Rocky where Adrian and
Rocky first get it on. Now that's sexy! We definitely want these
photos to be done tastefully. No real penetration of course. This
sounds like a great deal! You are really helping us out and I'm
glad we can help you too. For the pics we want you to shoot for
us, my wife wants to have a succession of pics that go from us
being fully clothed to nude. We were thinking of recreating the
Rocky and Adrian scene where they first go ice skating together
-- except this time she gets horny because nobody is watching.
After that she wants to do this whole mardi gras ball theme with
us wearing masks and cocktail party attire. Is this a good idea?
We are really new to this medium, but we're eager to learn. Also
we were throwing around the idea of us maybe playing a boss and
secretary role since my wife is getting tired of just doing the
Rocky and Adrian thing...or the Rocky and Micky thing. We'd love
some feedback on the ideas.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Erich
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From: Luanaxxx@aol.com |
Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 17:01:19 EDT
Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Erichxxx@yahoo.com
Those are some great ideas! I think it will be fun. I really like
the Mardi Gras idea. I think its much more exotic and has
a lot of potential to be very sexy! Lets run with that idea
to start and we might have enough time to do both. Sound good?
Well, Im off to class. Ill email you soon.
Luana
P.S... What is your wifes name?
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Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 23:29:01 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
This is going to be great! My wifes name is Jasmine. We
were talking about the photo shoot with a friend of ours. His
name is Dirk and he expressed an interest in participating with
us. Would this be okay? He is from Germany and he is very interested
in doing some erotic pictures with my wife and me. Dirk is a three
time world body building champion. His body is very well defined
and he is very professional. He has done some modeling for fitness
magazines so I think he would take direction well. Would it be
okay if Dirk participated in the shoot as well? If this would
run up the cost for more than the project would allow we would
gladly pay the difference. Things are getting exciting! Glad you
liked the Mardi Gras idea. That will be lots of fun. Get back
to me when you can.
Thanks!
Erich
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From: Luanaxxx@aol.com |
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 20:10:13 EDT
Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Erichxxx@yahoo.com
If we can do it Monday... that would be great. I had someone call
for a job interview on Tuesday, right in the middle of the booked
time. Thanks! It would be fine if Dirk came along. I would have
to charge an extra 50 dollars for the studio time. This sounds
like it will be lots of fun!
Hope that is okay,
Luana
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Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 22:12:40 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
Monday would be great for us. I can't wait! Hopefully, during
the shoot, we won't accidentally start having intercourse. That
would be really embarrassing! The other day we were posing and
practicing for the photo shoot and things became very heated --
especially when I did the Drago line from Rocky IV. That really
gets Jasmine hot. It's sort of like Pavlov's dog and whenever
I say it, she just gets freaky all over my ass. Or maybe it's
just all the blow she does. Who knows?
I should also tell you I suspect that Jasmine is secretly attracted
to Dirk. He is very tan and toned and does a great Apollo Creed
impression. When he is oiled up and starts flexing I see the way
she looks at him. She's trying to get me into some kind of weird
threeway but I'm kind of shy. I don't know, I'm not sure if Sylvester
Stallone would do stuff like that.
Lemme know what you think.
Erich
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From: Luanaxxx@aol.com |
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 2003 10:07:51 EDT
Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Erichxxx@yahoo.com
No I do not think that can happen. I think that you should find
someone else to take your orgy pics. That really isnt my
thing. I know that in San Francisco there are many photographers
who are up for hire for that kind of thing. It has been nice talking
to you. Gotta get to class!
Luana
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Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2003 21:12:39 -0700 (PDT)
From: Erich von Shizanstein <Erichxxx@yahoo.com>
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Subject: Re: Body Art
To: Luanaxxx@aol.com
Luana,
I hope we didnt offend you. I guess I got caught up in
that whole "eye of the tiger" thing. My wife and I got
into an argument yesterday about Dirk and my last letter to you.
I lost my temper and ended up beating the crap out of her like
Clubber Lang did in Rocky III. I felt terrible and begged her
forgiveness. We finally made up after I told her I would make
wild uninhibited dude scooty with Dirk. Please write back and
hopefully we can work something out!
Erich
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Hello? Hello?
DRAGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note
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**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names.
Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more
readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone
attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even
more free time on their hands than Shizzy.
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