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Read Shizzy's Prank Email Archives!

Cruel, Cruel Email From Deep Within the Bowels of Slacker Hell

Send all comments or ideas to Shizzy Joyce. These are actual emails from actual humans... plus Shizzy. THEY ARE REAL.  Please forgive us and enjoy!



Greetings Shizzlers!

Hope you are having a great summer. We are all back from our little vacation and excited to get back to offending all you pathetic losers reading this garbage and wishing you had my job. Ha! But I digress...

Many of you are familiar with my alter ego Mike Ockisard but few of you know his little sister Cindy, a young girl, fresh out of college looking for work but desperate for cash. In this correspondence I channel my inner woman and contact Duncan’s Night Life to see if they are hiring. Wait til they see how hot and slutty I am.

Shizzy is back!!!!!

Date: Wed, 9 Jul 2003 13:17:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" Cindyxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Try Outs
To: tryout@xxxx.com

Hi,

I just moved to the area and I am interested in becoming a nude dancer. I was on the dance team at Alabama for three years and I am in great shape. I am very petite and a C cup. I have brown hair and green eyes. I'll send you a pic if you are interested. Hope to hear from someone soon.

Cindy (it's really me, Shizzy)


Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>> |
To: Cindyxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Try Outs

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOU "TRY-OUT" ............BUT I DO NOT HAVE "NUDE" DANCERS! IT'S JUST TOPLESS! IF YOU ARE STILL INTERESTED ..... COME ON IN! ....AND PLEASE SEND A PICTURE! HOW OLD ARE YOU? MARRIED? SINGLE? CHILDREN?

SINCERELY,
CHUCK DUNCAN, OWNER, DUNCAN’S NITE-LIFE

 


Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 15:30:57 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" Cindyxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Try Outs
To: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>>

I just broke up with my boyfriend so I am single again. I don't have any kids. I am glad to hear that it is only topless. I was a little nervous about that. If you don't mind me asking, what sorts of clientele come into Duncan's? I went to a topless bar once that was pretty rough in North Carolina. It was called Crazy Horse Lounge. An old man started calling my friend “Mary Poppins” and he pulled an arrowhead out on him. We beat the hell out of him and never went back. Do you have lots of dancers in their twenties? I'd like to call you and come in soon, but right now I have the flu. It's a pretty bad one. I'll send you a pic as soon as I can figure out how. I didn't spend my formative years in computer classes if you get my drift. Hope to hear from you soon.

Cindy


Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 23:48:47 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>> |
To: Cindygirlxxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Try Outs

CINDY,

SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOUR’E "UNDER THE WEATHER".....HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON!

AS FOR WHAT TYPE OF CLIENTELE COMES INTO DUNCAN'S....ALL TYPES ....MOSTLY THE TYPE THAT HAS AND SPENDS MONEY! I NEVER HAVE TROUBLE IN MY ESTABLISHMENT........PEOPLE KNOW BETTER! I DON'T PUT UP WITH ANY CRAP....THIS IS A FAMILY RUN CLUB AND BOTH OF MY SONS ARE BAD ASSES AND I HAVE BIG BOUNCERS, PLUS I USED TO BE A RETIRED POLICE CAPTAIN-DECTIVE, OF THE WILMINGTON POLICE DEPT. AND IS STILL ON THE "RESERVES"....HENCE........ANYONE WOULD BE REALLY INSANE TO START TROUBLE IN HERE! IT IS VERY CLASSY AND BEAUTIFUL.

I always have a bouncer walk the girls out to their cars.......i have a "totally" safe gentlemen's club. you will feel at home here, as i treat everyone like family..........that is why i have had dancers with me for 15-12-10-8-7 years! in this business you have a very high "turn around"....I've been lucky......DANCERS COME HERE ......THEY STAY!.......HOPE YOU ARE ONE OF THEM!

OH YEA, I WOULD NOT HAVE A NUDE BAR IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! THAT TYPE OF ATMOSPHERE ONLY BREEDS THE WRONG TYPE OF INDIVIDUALS WITH A LOT OF SEXUAL "PROBLEMS.....I DON'T LIKE THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL TYPES.....AND MY CUSTOMERS ARE A REFLECTION OF THIS STATEMENT.

YES, I HAVE SEVERAL DANCERS THAT ARE IN THEIR TWENTIES......AND YOUNGER.....AND OLDER! HOW OLD ARE YOU AGAIN?

HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON!

CHUCK

Bad asses? Bottom of the barrel types?? Why the fuck is he typing in ALL CAPS??!!!

Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2003 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "CindyOckisard" Cindyxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Try Outs
To: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>>

I just turned 23 but I look more like 24. Wow that sounds really great. Definitely a relief. I had a friend who worked at a club where the bouncers were really slack and they let the clientele get away with a lot more than they should have. All of these trucker guys would try to touch her hootchie and offer her free mustache rides. Big time jerks! I am still trying to get my pic to you. Stupid computer. I let my little brother borrow it and it is just flooded with porno. He's only 12 and into some messed up stuff. That reminds me I need to kick his little ass when I get home. He skipped school again. Why doesn't that little retard understand how important school is??

Glad to hear that Duncan's is a friendly, family-run business. It’s great to see good family values. You guys should have a reality show! It could be just like the Osbournes except with naked people. My parents actually tried to start a strip club when I was a kid but they couldn't get a liquor license and all that nonsense about child labor laws-- even though I was super mature for my age. Anyway, most of the employees just worked off the books.

So how much time on stage do the girls usually get? Do they get more as time goes on with seniority? I hate when I'm told to get off stage because some other stripper's boyfriend just arrived. Hope to hear from you soon and I'll get the pic to you ASAP.

Thanks,

Cindy


Date: Fri, 11 Jul 2003 23:13:39 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>> |
To: Cindygirlxxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Try Outs
CINDY,

GLAD TO HEAR FROM YOU SO SOOOOOOOOON!!!!!

YOUR 23 HUH?......JUST A BABE IN ARMS!

GETTING BACK TO BUSINESS.....IF A CUSTOMER .....TRUCKER OR WHOMEVER PUT HIS HANDS ON MY DANCERS THEY WOULD DEAL WITH ME.......AND THAT IS WORST THEN ANY BOUNCER!!!!!!!

EVERYONE GETS THE SAME TIME ON STAGE, NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN HERE. TWO SETS..FIRST ONE WITH YOUR TOP ON, AND 2ND WITH YOUR TOP OFF. THEN YOU MOVE TO THE FLOOR....BUT NEVER ON THE FLOOR TOPLESS "EXCEPT" FOR A DOLLAR SWITCH DANCE WE DO ONCE A NITE. YOU ACTUALLY CAN GO ON STAGE AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE AS LONG AS IT IS NOT OCCUPIED BY SOMEONE ELSE. YOUR MONEY IS MADE IN THE VIP ROOM....WILL EXPLAIN THAT WHEN YOU COME IN FOR A TRY-OUT.

YOU ARE "TOPLESS" IN THE "V.I.P." ROOM AND DO LAP DANCES IN THE V.I.P. ROOM...WE HAVE CAMERAS UP THERE AND EVERYTHING IS MONITORED.

SO SEE I COVER ALL THE BASES!

HOPE TO SEE AND HEAR FROM YOU SOOOOOOOON!

CHUCK


Date: Mon, 14 Jul 2003 09:37:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" Cindyxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Try Outs

That is good to know. Good to have someone watching your back. I am still having trouble with that computer. Speaking of which, you must really like that CAPS LOCK key huh? Or maybe you just like screaming at me. Don't get me wrong, I like it. Reminds me of home.

I'm really excited about the VIP room. That sounds really elegant and nice! I did have some questions about the stage floor. As I mentioned before I was a dancer in Alabama and I can do all sorts of silly little back flips, handstands etc. How large is the stage? Do you have a pole? I'm really good on the pole. Do the girls at Duncan’s have a stage name or persona that they take on while they perform? I’d like to be Cindy Blue. I would cover myself in blue paint, like the guys from Blue Man Group, and just do all of my ill-na-na dance moves. If that's taken, maybe I could be Cindy Red. I would like to be original so let me know.

I thank you so much for having this correspondence with me. Also, is there a policy prohibiting girls who have posed nude before from appearing at Duncan's? I was in an issue of Screw magazine my freshman year. There were a couple of super zoom gyno shots. It was crazy. I was so drunk. My Dad said he could practically see what I ate for lunch. I thought that was sooo funny. Anyway, It probably isn't a big deal I just thought I would ask. Thanks again for your patience.

Cindy

Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 11:26:22 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>> |
To: Cindygirlxxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Try Outs

MY STAGE IS NOT REAL BIG......BUT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO JUST FINE! I'M INTRIGUED.......GET A PICTURE TO ME FAST!

AS FAR AS POSING NUDE.......NO PROBLEM! BETTER PUBLICITY......MORE MONEY!

CHUCK


Date: Thu, 17 Jul 2003 11:35:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" Cindyxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Try Outs
To: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>>

Ok great. Attached is my pic. I hope it's okay. Some people have preconceived notions about petite girls like myself but it sounds like things will work out great at your club. I really appreciate your enthusiasm and giving me this great opportunity.

Thanks, Cindy

Date: Fri, 18 Jul 2003 12:32:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Cindy Ockisard" Cindyxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Try Outs
To: "Chuck" <duncans@xxx.net>>

Chuck,

I haven't heard back from you. I'm a bit concerned. I hope that you're not descriminating against me because I'm a little person. I promise in the darkened VIP room, nobody will even notice my height! Plus, my torso is just like a regular sized girl so sex is absolutely no problem. My mouth is normal sized too and I can even unhinge my jaw like a snake! It's the best party trick ever! I'm really light too, so I won't hurt anyone when I jump up and down on their lap. Please give me a chance. I just need one tryout. Lemme put on the blue makeup and climb up and down that pole. I'm telling you, I will make your nasty socks roll up and down after five minutes of my "yellow brick road" routine! C'mon, it involves audience participation! I can make balloon animals! Bring the kids!

Pleeeze!!!!

Cindy

 

This world is so shitty. So superficial. I thought I had finally found a surrogate family who would accept me for all my faults but even Duncan's family tithouse won't give me a chance. Where's my bong? I am outtahere!

Shizzy

 

Suggestions? Comments? Send me a note .

**Ed. Note: Yes, these emails are real. Yes, we change the names. Duh. Except for some spelling and paragraphing cleanup to make them more readable, the emails are exactly as they are sent and received. Anyone attempting to find some kind of "conspiracy" at BFA have even more free time on their hands than Shizzy.

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