Date: Tues, 9 Mar 2004 13:17:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Lawsuit
To: Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>

Hi,

I noticed you guys are offering legal advice for free. I have a huge problem and I really need your help. Please write back!

Thanks,

Mike Shizzari (it's me, Shizzy. Duh)

Date: Tues, 9 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Yes, we do offer limited legal advice for free. What can I do for you?

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Tues, 9 Mar 2004 15:30:57 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

Thanks for responding. First, I gotta say, I just love your TV commercials. The way you look into the camera and say how you're here to fight for the little guy, it's really great. I tape Dr. Phil sometimes in the afternoon and I never fast forward through your commercials. Anyway, I need your help bad. I have a potential case that's a hole-in-one. A home run. It's practically unbeatable and could be huge money. On your commercials you say that you only charge money if you win, that's correct right?

Mike

Date: Tues, 9 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Mike,

That all depends. Why don't you describe your situation.

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Tues, 9 Mar 2004 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

No problem, John. Can I call you John? I feel kind of strange because you have that fancy name plus you're sort of a TV star. I hope that's okay.

If this isn't the easiest slam dunk case you've ever heard of, then my name isn't Mike Shizzari. I sound just like your TV commercials again. That's just like what you say!

Anyway, to put it bluntly, I was a victim of sexual harassment by my female boss. It was one of those totally blatant illegal things and now I need some legal help. Like I said, this is a slam dunk case. I'm not a lawyer but I would guess that even an idiot without a law degree could win this one. I'm assuming you have a law degree, however, since you point to it in the commercial. My friends say this case could be worth millions. I'm ready to get started so let me know what I need to do.

Speak to you soon,

Mike

Date: Weds, 10 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Hang on there Mike. Yes, we do handle cases like this but we need to have some facts first. We also need to find out what kind of resources you are willing to devote to this. Are you employed now?

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Weds, 10 Mar 2004 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

Employed? No I'm not employed. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I was fired. I'm talking sexual harassment up the ying yang. Now I need to know what to do.

Please write back.

Mike

Date: Weds, 10 Mar 2004 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To:"Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |

Mike,

I'm sorry to hear you were fired. Please let me know the specific facts of this case and then I will explain how we work.

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Weds, 10 Mar 2004 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

John,

The fact of the case is that I was sexually used and degraded by my female boss. I was just minding my own business and she'd say certain things to me. Stuff that a boss shouldn't say. At first I thought she was just being polite, saying things like "How are you doing, Mike?" and then it grew to "so, you have big plans for the weekend?" Then it got worse and worse and well, you can guess what happened. Then I was fired. If that's not a blatant case of sexual harassment then I don't know what is.

I can't wait to get started,

Mike

Date: Weds, 10 Mar 2004:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Mike,

Please be more specific. Are you saying you had some kind of sexual relations with your boss? If so, how long did it continue for and why do you feel it's related to your termination? We really need details if you want us to help you.

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Weds, 10 Mar 2004 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

Details huh? Okay, but it's a little weird talking about this kind of stuff.

First it was totally innocent. We just hugged a lot. She was always hugging me but I thought it was because I was doing a good job and because I'm kind of a huggable guy. Then one day we started kind of going at it. You know, really macking like a couple of junior high kids. It happened either behind the dumpster or in the breakroom. One day she just sort of grabbed it. I'm referring to the umm... "powertool". Then it just grew from there. I mean the relationship, not the powertool -- although that obviously grew as well! LOL.

Is that enough or do you need more?

Mike

Date:Thurs, 11 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

I'm afraid I can't help you unless you provide me with a detailed explanation of what occurred from beginning to end. Please be as specific as possible.

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Thurs, 11 Mar 2004 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

Umm, okay. Well it was pretty crazy kinky stuff. I'm not a pervert or anything. I would like to say at this time that I would have been happy with a little "mouth love", but this woman just wanted me to plow her like an Iowa cornfield. Anyway, we did it like rabbits all over the office. In the morning and then later after everyone went home. It was just crazy sex almost every day. I did her in the missionary style and from behind and then she taught me how to do the "kneeling pretzel" and the "cosmo jiggy-jig." Sometimes we would do the "rickshaw" or the "happy landing" or the "slinky" if we had enough room. Once we did the "piledriver with a nosebone", but it didn't work too well.

Anyway, after I injured myself on the aforementioned piledriver/nosebone combination, I told her I couldn't continue. Then I was fired right after that. Clear cut sexual harassment. When do we get started?

Mike

Date: Thurs, 11 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Mike, that's not exactly the kind of information I was looking for. Did she say anything to you before you were fired? Any other details you left out?

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Thurs, 11 Mar 2004 13:59:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

Nope. She didn't say nothing. She didn't have to -- it was no cootchie, no job. Pure and simple. Do you think we could get a big settlement like a million bucks or more? This woman is RICH. She drives a brand new Saturn and always wears expensive underwear if she wears any underwear at all. LOL! Plus we could sue the company since most people knew what was going on and didn't do anything to stop it. I really want to get going on this. My unemployment runs out in like four weeks.

Mike

Date:Thurs, 11 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Well, this sounds interesting, but there are obviously no guarantees. I do need to know if there's anything you're leaving out. I think perhaps we can continue this on the phone. Our direct number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 09:37:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
To: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

John, I would love to call you but I bit my tongue when my boss and I tried this thing called the "vertical monkey dive." My mouth is totally swollen right now so I probably won't make much sense for a couple more days. I'm not saying it wasn't worth it, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I hope it's okay to continue by email until I'm healed up.

Don't worry, I'm not really leaving out anything except for this stupid unrelated incident which I really don't think is important.

Mike

Date:Fri, 12 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

What kind of incident? I really do need to hear everything. Please do not leave out details which may affect the strength of your case.

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 09:37:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
To: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

I'm telling you, it's nothing. It was a little stupid thing that I got in trouble for. Everyone steals office supplies. That woman is just trying to cover her ass -- which is difficult since it's so huge. LOL.

Mike

Date: Fri, 12 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

You were caught stealing office supplies? Were you disciplined? Was this around the time of your termination? I need to know if this could be related in any way to your termination

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Mon, 15 Mar 2004 09:37:45 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

It really wasn't a big deal. There's this guy Stu and he's a big tattletale and he went blabbing that he saw me take a few office supplies and computers to my car. My boss accused me of stealing but nobody uses that stuff anyway. It was just sitting in the supply room for months. So she started acting all professional suddenly and wrote me up even though I told her I just wanted to do some work from home. Then we had this really amazing makeup sex immediately afterwards and she seemed to not be mad anymore.

See, it really had nothing to do with me getting fired and neither did the skipping work thing. That was just another excuse.

Mike

Date: Tues, 16 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

Well, this isn't looking as cut and dry anymore, Mike. You stole office supplies and were written up. I'm sure that will be their first line of defense. If you skipped work as well, they will definitely use that to their advantage. At this time, in order to continue our legal advice, we will require some personal information and a credit card. If it's easier we can do a check by phone, a simple process where we take funds directly from your bank account.

We would require a small nonrefundable retainer of $1500, payable in installments if you prefer. Then if we decide to take on your case and win, we would split any settlement and you may apply that to the retainer. I'm sure you understand that it costs money to pursue a case such as this one. Once we receive payment, I am happy to give you advice on how to proceed. Otherwise, I wish you luck on settling this matter on your own.

Best Regards,

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date:Tues, 16 Mar 2004 11:35:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

I don't understand. I thought this was free. This is a home run case. We're both going to be millionaires if you're really good in the courtroom like that Johnny Cochran guy.

I'm telling you, that woman doesn't have anything on me. The skipping work thing was just a misunderstanding and I told them that. When they accused me of not showing up for work for two weeks, I told them I had some personal shit to take care of and needed some time off but apparently I forgot to fill out all the paperwork or tell anyone. It was totally unintentional! It's not my fault they were such assholes about it. I realize I got a little angry and called the vice president a nazi bastard, but in my defense, I didn't know he was the vice president because he looks just like one of the janitors -- who really is a nazi bastard. So of course I apologized right afterwards. Well, maybe a few days later. The important thing was that I apologized!

I really think we should focus on the sex stuff and not all my writeups and disciplinary record, but I don't have to tell you that!

How long do these cases usually take? Is there any way I might be able to sue the vice president too? I think he's potentially a homosexual and I'm pretty sure he was eying my trousers on more than one occasion. That's sexual harassment too, isn't it??

Mike

Date: Tues, 16 Mar 2004 02:44:24 -0400 (Eastern Daylight Time)
From: "John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>> |
To: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Lawsuit

You called the Vice President of your company a nazi bastard? I think you are going to need a lot more than a lawyer to help you with your problems. At this time I will either need a retainer or I am going to have to say goodbye.

Thank you,

John S. McIntyre II Esq.

Date: Tues, 16 Mar 2004 11:35:28 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Mike Shizzari" Mikexxxxx@yahoo.com> |
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To: ""John S. McIntyre" Laxxxxxx_xxx@yahoo.com>>>

But what about your TV commercials?? What about fighting for the little guy! I'm the little guy. Well, not little -- but you know what I mean! C'mon. This is about defending freedom and the American way and stuff. What did I do wrong? I didn't even mention your bad toupee. It's quite becoming. PLEASE I NEED YOUR HELP AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!