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Contrary to what NBC wants us
to think, I don’t believe there’s an unattractive
Bostonian with a heart of gold aimlessly roaming the infield
of Fenway Park, lamenting his misfortune at being passed over
by the woman of his dreams after a long and laborious courtship
on “Average Joe II." This guy isn’t crying
into his domestic beer or kicking his cocker spaniel over
the wretched unfairness of it all as the powers that be would
have us believe. Nah, he’s just fine.
If there’s one thing “My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé”
taught us, it’s that things are never quite as they appear.
Any minute now there’ll be a newsflash alerting us we’ve
all been duped by the suits at NBC, who punked us with this
little zinger to capitalize on the gullibility of fat chicks
all over the country. Think about it, people – a beautiful,
former Miss Missouri USA having to choose between a studly
boy toy sans emotion and a skinny gap-toothed accountant who
couldn't pronounce his own name correctly? That’s just
stupid. These people were acting their asses off.
We learned from the first "Average Joe" that A)
hot chicks never go for guys with thick glasses and great
personalities, B) "sweet" is a euphemism for "although
I will never ever fuck you, I will keep you around because
you kiss my conceited ass and make me feel better about my
split ends," and C) hot chicks only put out for brainless,
date-raping football player-types with great hair and six
pack abs.
This contest was fixed from the start with a cast of actors
who knew exactly what was going on. Just look at the pathetic
lineup of slovenly, hairy-backed losers they found to play
the average dudes. There is no possible way real life ugly
guys would set themselves up for nationwide emasculation.
These guys probably spent hours in the make-up trailer every
morning shoving themselves into belly prosthetics and gluing
on bad sideburns. Hell, the actors who portrayed the "Joes"
are probably better looking than the hot guys they brought
in halfway through the series to “shake things up."
And when I say those boys were hot, what I actually mean to
say is -HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, were those guys hot! The surge
of hormones that coursed through my body every time those
tanned hunks of man-meat took to the screen would would induce
actual fainting spells. I had to watch while taking every
other breath out of a paper bag. I could barely look directly
at my TV. But I did.
Of course the most masterful element of this elaborate charade
was the fateful decision delivered in the last show. Truly
a grand finale in the most literal sense, our fairytale gone
wrong ended with the exquisite Larissa tearfully saying good-bye
to the aforementioned Brian from Boston (who did a superb
job of looking as though someone had bashed him upside the
head with an anvil). Tears of fake anguish fell silently down
the slope of her face while the audience was treated to a
montage of the tender moments she spent with Brian - you know,
the moments leading up to her viciously ripping his beating
heart out of his chest and stomping it into a bloody pulp--
a heart she left lying on the ground next to a cigarette butt
and someone’s chewed up piece of gum.
Then she jetted off to Cabo San Lucas with Gil, the hunky
sex monkey of her dreams.
But just when you thought the show was over, THEN CAME THE
REAL ENDING– the revelation of Larissa’s "terrible
secret" and the mayhem that ensued. As Gil and Larissa
strolled romantically along a stormy beach, she blindsided
him with the news she had dated none other than the notorious…FABIO.
Holy crap! What an upset! Wait. Huh? That’s the big secret
she was hiding? I thought for sure she was transgendered.
But Fabio? Was she bragging? Was she repentant? Why was the
camera still on them? It didn't go on the "honeymoon"
of that last dimwit girl and the hunk she chose. Couldn't
they have found a worse secret then Fabio? Scott Baio for
example?
Well, soon after this revelation, all hell broke loose. Gil
scraped every ounce of emotion he could muster and freaked
the fuck out, citing indignantly that “every guy in America
would back him up,” whatever that means. I happen to
think every guy in America would have shagged the skin off
Larissa’s bones regardless of her involvement with Fabio.
Sure they would have pointed at her and laughed, maybe even
made her cry a little, but they would have moved on pretty
quickly and only occasionally asked about the size of Fabio's
genitalia during moments of insecurity.
Anyway, Gil packed up his Hefty bags and high tailed it off
the island, taking his rock hard pecs, downy soft blond hair
and my heart with him -- I mean Larissa's heart. Meanwhile
our flawed heroine recognized the error of her ways and admitted
to the camera – nay, the WORLD - she had picked the wrong
man.
Ladies and gentlemen television simply doesn’t get any
better than that. Media Whore is speechless.
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to bottom: Good looking guy, average looking guy, whore
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