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While all of America cringed
as they met the newest bachelors on "Average Joe –
Hawaii" -- an even sadder group of misfits than the first
show -- I found myself oddly turned on. Alarming as this was,
I decided not to fight it but instead to approach my seemingly
abnormal reaction logically. Maybe it was the exotic location
and the “lei” references. Those clever double entendres
really melt my butter. Or maybe it was just the childlike
sweetness of many of these geeky, unloved (and in some cases
unwashed) schlubs. Finally the answer came to me: it was the
idea of 18 sexually-deprived guys lusting after me and showering
me with compliments for five weeks that was driving me wild.
Delicate beads of sweat dripped between my heaving breasts
as I imagined how fabulous it would be to have words like
“gorgeous”, “phenomenal” and (my personal
favorite) “goddess” attached to my name on a daily
basis for all the world to see.
Note to NBC – sign me the fuck up.
Being worshipped by anyone, even a room full of mutants, has
its appeal. If I could I would take these guys home and keep
them in my basement where I would give them very little food
or water, you know, to make them even more pliable and desperate.
Every day I would make a grand entrance, graciously accepting
my accolades and foot rubs while doling out meals only to
the Joes who made me feel the prettiest.
OK, maybe I wouldn’t lock all of them in my basement.
Frankly, I’m pretty happy CJ was eliminated immediately
as that huge, festering scab on the corner of his mouth gave
me the willies. And I wasn’t sad to see Chris go, either.
Although his Fonzie get-up was sort of sexy (the Media Whore
loves black leather in all forms), someone ought to clue him
in that the most efficient use of lubricant is probably not
in his hair.
Mathew scared me too – well, at least his giant yellow
George Washington teeth did. Still, I have to give Matt his
props as his snazzy white tie and black suit were rather eye
catching (it was tres chic that his tie matched his socks,
too).
Finally, I have no problem with Robert’s elimination
since it’s pretty obvious he’s severely mentally
retarded – like in a not-enough-oxygen-to-the-brain-during-childbirth
kind of way. Did the producers miss the moony, far away look
he had? Or the fact that he was unable to utter a single coherent
sentence? Hey, if you have that weird look on your face and
the only thing people ever say to you is “huh???”
then you’re probably wearing diapers and taking your
meals through a tube. Or at least you should be.
With those duds out of the way, we can safely move on to the
studs, the first and most obvious being Fredo. I don’t
know if it’s the Godfather-esque tough guy name, the
manly pony tail hanging half-way down his back, or the fact
that he has most certainly killed several people during the
course of his life but this bad boy is my number one pick
in terms of fuckability. I’m sure he’d keep me in
line if I were naughty.
Next up is Phuc (pronounced Fook), a heavy set Asian man ready
to par-TAY. All of that aside, I think the name says it all.
Media Whore love him long time.
And then there is David. I have a feeling I will have to make
a move on this guy quickly as it’s a pretty sure bet
there’s an obituary in his near future that includes
the phrase “brutally murdered”. He has the kind
of boundless energy and lack of self control that could be
super exciting in bed. Ladies, if you like to watch skinny
freaks with wacky hair jump on furniture, break beer bottles,
and throw inanimate objects in swimming pools then David is
the man for you. I suspect he’s quite trainable with
a leash, a squirt gun, and some Ritalin.
And finally, I simply must have Tony - the tiny, bald, semi-
translucent graphic designer who was born without sweat glands
(honest to God) and shaves his facial hair into stars and
other shapes that catch his fancy. If I could convince him
to do moons and clovers he would be a walking, talking, non-sweating
advertisement for “Lucky Charms” cereal and we’d
be set for life. He’s the one, ladies and gentlemen.
I want him bad.
You know, a wise person once said, “everything happens
for a reason.” And now as I look back on my career as
a media whore it all makes sense. Over the years I’ve
had to suck up to a lot of mutants to get to the good stuff
– the actors, the musicians, the directors. I used to
look at 300 pound security men with Dorito breath and self
esteem issues as obstacles and now because of “Average
Joe – Hawaii” I see them as potential dates. And
if it weren’t for “Average Joe” I would have
never stumbled across Tony, the man of my dreams. It’s
so clear we’re right for each other, I’ve already
started doodling various shapes for him to carve into the
side of his face and I’m looking into having my sweat
glands removed, you know, so we can identify with each other
more as a couple.
Oddly enough, “Average Joe’s” bachelorette,
Larissa, is also hot for my man Tony. That figures. Even in
the land of the Average Joes, all the good ones are taken.
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Above:
My would-be slaves. Below: Ungrateful bitch
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