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Reality shmeality. “Are
You Hot” is the furthest thing from reality on television
today. Unless of course your reality consists of impossibly
beautiful, expertly sculpted, perfectly tanned, tits and ass
doing the runway walk in your living room demanding you tell
them how pretty they are. People don’t really look like
this, folks. So how this counts as “reality” TV
is beyond me.
If you aren’t familiar with the concept of this show,
I’ll try to explain it even though it is really, really,
really complicated. Scantily clad contestants from across
the country jiggle, slither, and sometimes even prance in
front of a panel of celebrity judges whose job it is to either
mercilessly point out their flaws or tell them how HOT they
are. I think they must get paid extra every time they use
the word HOT. Either that or the producers are hoping college
students will start a drinking game based on the show. I can
personally guarantee that if you do a shot every time someone
says HOT, you will be shit-faced by the first commercial break.
I know because I tried it. It was the only way I could watch
this fricken show without gauging my own eyes out. Anyway,
the whole point of the program is for two of these lovely
morons to eventually be crowned "The Sexiest People in
America." Their parents must be so proud.
The self-proclaimed wanna-be hotties are rated in three categories:
face, body, and sex appeal. I swear to God I’m not making
this up. There’s no talent segment, no poise competition,
no badly choreographed dance numbers to suffer through, and
best of all, no heartfelt, three minute speeches about world
peace or global warming. We get to skip over all that crap
right to the good part – half naked, dumbasses greased
up within an inch of their lives. But the best part of the
judging is the flaw finder. Ah, the flaw finder - a laser
pen the judges use to point out cellulite, meaty thighs, or
if we’re lucky, breasts that are too artificial looking.
Too artificial looking? Whatever!
“Are You Hot” is so full of shit I feel like I
need a high colonic every time I watch it. First of all, since
when is Lorenzo Lamas qualified to judge hot women? I would
think after the episode last week where he showed up shirtless
with a little red bandana tied around his neck or the fact
that he is clearly gay would have disqualified him. He should
only be judging the boys. Trust me on this.
Randolph Duke and Rachel Hunter are the other two judges.
Don’t worry, I didn’t know who Randolph Duke was
either (I mean, besides the geezer from the Eddie Murphy movie
"Trading Places." Turns out he designs dresses for
actresses to wear to awards shows and stuff. Yeah, he’s
probably not gay at all. As for Rachel Hunter, um, yawn. Talk
about being way too September 10 for her own good - does anyone
give a crap about this chick anymore? She was a swimsuit model
like 30 years ago or something. What have you done for us
lately, Rachel? I thought so. Oh, and Rachel, if you’re
reading this, it’s called S-H-A-M-P-O-O. You might want
to have your people pick some up at Target. It goes on your
head and if you use it with water it cleans all the gross
stuff out of your hair.
I must have missed the part where we collectively decided
that a pretty package is more valuable than a brain. I don’t
know about you but a tight ass doesn’t help me out when
I have $10,000 dollars burning a hole in my checkbook and
I need advice on how to invest it. Well, maybe it does, but
that’s only after I’ve made the investment and I
want to celebrate.
Anyway, I’m getting off the point which is, quite simply,
this show sucks. Except for the laser pointer flaw finder
thing. That rocks.
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Above:
"Are You Ho?" ABC has sunk to new lows.
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