|
Even if you don't have a penis,
you have to remember that classic '70's television show "Three's
Company." Whether they admit it or not, every man, woman,
and child has watched this show at one time or another. Some
of us tuned in for fashion tips, some of us had reasons that
were more along the lines of … um … sexual expulsion,
and some of us just couldn't resist the goofy charm of that
wacky Mr. Furley and his collection of groovy neckerchiefs.
Then again, it could have been that you tuned in because "Good
Times" was a rerun. Whatever the reason, you watched,
so don't try to deny it.
Three's Company ran for eight years on ABC in the mid-70's
and thanks to cable will probably never leave the airwaves.
I can rest easier at night knowing that future generations
won't be deprived of the Chaplinesque comic stylings of legendary
funnyman John Ritter, who spent every single episode of the
show trying to get into the pants of one of his two jiggly,
female roommates before falling over the back of a couch or
down a flight of stairs. That kind of genius deserves to be
preserved.
Even after more than 25 years, this show continues to bring
joy to prepubescent boys the world over as well as budding
young girls who need to be taught the subtle nuances of slutty
dressing techniques. But sheer entertainment value aside,
how many times have you been enjoying an episode of "Three's
Company" and thought to yourself, "Hey, I wonder
what the heck went on behind the scenes of this outrageously
funny show?" or "What made the incredibly talented
cast of this masterpiece of ensemble comedic acting tick?".
Last Monday, ABC answered these burning questions. And more.
Much, much more.
Produced by Joyce DeWitt, who played Janet, otherwise known
as "the ugly, accessible and relatively smart roommate,"
for the duration of the sitcom's eight year run, the unauthorized
television movie gave us a behind the scenes look at what
really went on behind the laughter, the love, and the brilliance
of this classic jigglefest.
Contrary to what we all believed, this show was much more
than fodder for the masturbatory fantasies of every acne-plagued
teenage virgin in the free world; it was a living hell for
everyone involved in it. The story of "Three's Company"
is one filled with lust, greed, despair and the sordid truth
about what kinds of real damage can come from dancing to anything
with the words "uh huh" in it. Oh, and it also reveals
that Suzanne Somers is actually the busty, dimwitted spawn
of the devil.
According to the movie, ABC took three out-of-work actors
and generously handed them a hit TV series, their own dressing
rooms, and as much bad disco music as they could handle. Two
of the stars of the show were grateful, hard working, and
excessively talented. In fact, it is mentioned no less than
500 times during the first half-hour of the movie that Joyce
DeWitt was a respected and gifted STAGE ACTRESS, adored by
CRITICS and AUDIENCES alike. It is also mentioned continuously
that John Ritter was a gifted, kind-hearted comedian with
a heart of gold.
And then there is Suzanne Somers. As if she hasn't been through
enough with the whole Thighmaster ordeal (which is prominently
mentioned in the film), she is completely blasted in this
movie. Exposed for the true money-grubbing bitch she is, this
side of her is cleverly illustrated during several scenes
where she walks down hallways in slow motion flanked by high-powered
lawyers to the strains of Hall and Oate's "Rich Girl."
Hey Suzanne, I think Joyce DeWitt is calling you a bitch,
girl! This is gritty stuff. Sizzling even.
Clearly this "unauthorized" behind the scenes movie
was only unauthorized by one person and it wasn't Joyce DeWitt,
John Ritter, Don Knotts, the guy who built the sets, the food
service people, or anyone else connected with the show. I'm
guessing that based on her husband/manager Alan Hamel's depiction
as a psychotic, money-grubbing but devoted cheerleader who
is just looking after the interests of his "superstar"
by asking for a 500% raise, and her depiction as equal parts
dumb and egomaniacal, Suzanne Somers probably didn't put her
stamp of approval on this movie. Of course, I could be wrong.
In true jealous, ugly roommate form, Joyce DeWitt used this
film as a chance to blast whatever shred of dignity Suzanne
Somers had left after her string of infomercials right out
of the water. We are talking about pure loathing here, people
--and it was a fricken bloodbath. Apparently Miss DeWitt didn't
take too kindly to living in the shadow of her sexier, breastier
costar and this movie is one big 'screw you' to her.
So for two fun-filled hours DeWitt alludes to Somers' lack
of acting skills, her crazy ambition to become bigger than
Farrah Fawcett, and her over-reliance on her famous snort-and-jiggle
laugh. Its perfectly understandable why DeWitt is resentful.
After all, it totally sucks to be the hot chick's ugly friend
(See Debby) Not
that I would know this personally, but I've heard it sucks
from all the ugly chicks I hang out with on a regular basis
to make myself look hot. Anyway, its no wonder there is resentment
here and frankly, I say, go get her, Joyce! Kick her thigh-mastering-high-heel-wearing-lip-gloss-sporting-no-talent-has-been
ASS.
I know there was other stuff going on in the movie, like Brian
Denehey (as the head of ABC) smashing his hand down on his
desk a lot, and there was also the side-bar story of how the
actors who played the Ropers got totally screwed off the show.
I also vaguely remember the guy who played Don Knotts doing
a dead-on impression of Barney Fife, but I don't think he
did it on purpose. Anyway, none of that other stuff mattered
because the whole point of the program was to reveal to the
world what a huge bitch Suzanne Somers is and what a swell,
super-talented gal Joyce DeWitt is.
Of course I think the real object lesson we can all take
away from this movie is clear - don't ever, ever, EVER, piss
off Joyce DeWitt or she'll make a movie about your ungrateful
ass and then you'll never get off the infomercial circuit.
|
|
Photos:
Three's Company then and now
SEND THIS ARTICLE TO A FRIEND!
|
|
