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I don’t know what the big
deal about summer is. Once you get past the sunshine, excessive
alcohol consumption and Derek, the dreamy 21-year-old pool
boy with broad shoulders, exceptional biceps and a rocking
ass, there really isn’t much to get excited about. I
mean, how many times can you purposely clog your pool drain
with satin thongs in various tantalizing colors and creating
sexually motivated swimming pool emergencies before it gets
a little old?
From an entertainment standpoint, summer really sucks –
with a capital “SUCKS." Aside from the obvious biweekly
versus weekly updates of bobfromaccounting.com, the rest of
the much smaller and more insignificant entertainment world
suffers as well.
Sure, there are the big Hollywood blockbuster movies, but
I’m getting pretty tired of seeing the Statue of Liberty
blown up / covered in water / completely frozen/ used as Godzilla's
sex toy year after friggin’ year (and that goes for the
Capitol Building, the Lincoln Memorial and the White House,
too). From the major networks to cable series programming,
we’re all pretty much screwed in the summer months, forcing
many of us to seek solace in useless, boring activities like
reading or spending quality time at the beach with family.
OK, I just shuddered.
After becoming accustomed to a steady diet of reality show
screaming matches between near naked celebrity wannabes and
one hour dramas with gratuitous violence and bare asses as
far as the eye can see, it’s almost impossible to go
off television-cold-turkey. The ruthless network bastards
know that once they take away the shows they’ve force
fed us for months, it’s only a matter of time before
we hit summer-TV rock bottom, ending up alone in our dens,
strung out on re-runs, infomercials and the Home Shopping
Network. Or worse…PBS or any channel in which we are
forced to actually learn something.
But things are about to change. Forever.
The executives at Fox have clued into the fact that the onset
of summer throws those of us addicted to vicarious living
into a major panic and in response they’re introducing
a year-round programming schedule this summer, the inevitable
success of which will prompt the other networks to follow
suit until year-round programming will become the norm and
all will be well with the universe. Certainly this is a sign
that there is a God and He loves me…er…us. OK, he
may love me slightly more.
The cream of Fox’s fresh new crop is, of course, “The
Simple Life 2,", starring those adorable moppets Paris
"I-have-money-coming-out-of-my-g-string" Hilton
and Nicole "I’m-not-as-loaded-as-Paris-but-my-boobs-are-nicer-and-I-can-pass-for-a-black-chick"
Richie. This time around the blank blondes are slumming around
America’s trailer parks. If you want to skip this season,
here's what inevitably happens: Paris and Nicole act all snobby
as they try to see how the other half lives. The simpletons
who surround them are torn between disgust, religious fervor
and the dream of being used and degraded by the pair on national
television. Paris finally learns that white trashy people
are sort of human and have feelings. Nicole comes to understand
that her own lack of father-love and attention is why she
acts like such a skanked out whore around anyone with a mullet.
Another promising show is “The North Shore” starring
hunkalicious Kristoffer Polaha as the surprisingly young owner
of a Hawaiian luxury hotel. The network touts this show as
being about “sun, surf, sand and sex." That’s
it. That’s what it’s about. Honest. We can only
hope there will be endless sexual references using the word
“lei” and lots of footage of erupting volcanoes
during the requisite make-out scenes. Perfect tans, boob jobs
and really white teeth – that’s all it takes to
make a show riveting, and “The North Shore” has
them in spades. So to speak.
“The Casino," Fox’s newest reality show is
about – you guessed it – a casino. This program
tells the tale of Timothy Poster and Thomas Breitling --two
34 year olds who obviously have more money than brains, a
fact proven in the first episode when these two morons decide
to buy the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas. For those of you who
haven’t been to Vegas in a while and for those of you
who have but were bright enough to avoid this moth-eaten rat
trap during your travels, let me paint you a picture of this
shithole. Oh gee, I suppose I just did. To tell you the truth,
I’m actually pretty excited about this one - mostly because
I’m dying to see what kind of half-wit dumbasses would
pay good money to buy the freaking Golden Nugget. Also, I
saw lots of half naked chicks grinding on the laps of these
bozos – Fox has always known what makes good TV.
“Method and Red" is a comedy loosely based on the
lives of its costars, rappers Method Man and Redman. As far
as I'm concerned, there can never be enough shows about black
rappers moving into upper class, predominantly white, gated
communities. I say, throw together homies and tight-assed
white folks and let the hilarity ensue! This is timeless comedy
the whole family will enjoy.
Finally, “Quintuplets” is a new show about...umm...quintuplets.
At the surface, this program seems sweet and family-oriented,
but it also happens to star former Conan O'Brien sidekick
Andy Richter, whom I find to be possibly the grossest, most
unappealing man on the planet. I honestly can’t see spending
a half hour of my life watching him sweat profusely under
the hot studio lights no matter how wacky his five 15-year-olds
are. I have a feeling the writing on this series will make
"8 Simple Rules" look like Tolstoy -- and that's
saying A LOT.
The rest of the summer is filled with reruns and some new
episodes from recently canceled shows like "Drew Carey"
and "Ed" which will finally allow the networks a
chance to empty their vaults of unaired shows while screwing
over advertisers and the viewing public who love to invest
themselves with condemned shows.
See what’s in store for you as far as entertainment?
Suddenly summer isn’t so scary, is it? In fact, thanks
to Fox, summer is lazy and sedentary again. We don’t
need sun, fun and frolicking! We need reasons NOT to get off
the couch. That’s the stuff of a happy, well rounded
life and I, for one, cannot wait to plant myself in front
of my television while the rest of the idiots spend the summer
pulling sand out of their bathing suits and constantly whining
about how to light the charcoal briquettes of the barbecue.
Remember, if you do eventually get bored, a couple of well
placed sanitary napkins in the drain always keeps the pool
boy on his toes.
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Above:
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie conquer trailer parks and mullets
on Fox's Simple Life 2, premiering this summer.
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